No More Tomorrows

Chapter 22: Long Time No Talk

It had been almost six weeks since I've seen or spoken to Grant. Some days had been a battle with myself to not reply to his messages. I had to stop listening to his voicemails as they were making me miss him too much and I did not want to contact him. 

My brain knew what he'd done to me was unforgivable but my stupid heart kept reminding me of all our sweet moments over the years and the look on his face that last morning in our apartment. The way he'd looked destroyed at the thought of me leaving him.

Could I forgive him for what he'd done? Should I forgive him for what he'd done? 

Not just the cheating but the months of lies and manipulation. 

I knew there were plenty of women who said "once a cheater, always a cheater" and I thought that was me. I thought that was a line I could never come back from. Especially after what my father had done to my mother. The destruction it caused in my family. But some of the books I was reading and podcasts I was listening to showed another option. They showed relationships that survived cheating and how they can thrive. 

I wasn't sure yet which way I was going to go and until I knew for certain what I wanted to do I could not speak with him. I needed to think this through by myself without his influence. 

My fellow nurses all had very strong opinions. It felt like 99% of them said I needed to throw the whole man away and start fresh, that he was a cheat and I deserved better. Most in fact wanted to remove his genitals with a rusty scalpel, but there was one nurse I worked with on occasion that had a different opinion. Last week Wendy had quietly told me that her husband had cheated on her years ago, and that their marriage had survived. In fact she felt her marriage was stronger today than it was before the infidelity happened. She offered to meet me for coffee after our shift if I wanted to talk to someone who'd been through it and I took her up on her offer. I felt like she'd talk to me about my situation without the judgement I sometimes felt from others. 

Once we had settled in a local coffee shop with our drinks she explained that eight years ago she'd almost divorced her husband. She went on to explain that when he returned from a Bachelor's Weekend in Vegas he admitted he'd had sex with someone. The group had apparently all gone to a Strip Club and had lots to drink, more than he usually did. He'd also taken ecstasy for the first time and said that there were large blank spots in his recollection of the evening. Apparently the guys he was away with were from the town he'd lived in before he met his now wife, and over the years since he'd last seen them they'd become regular drug users. They thought nothing of taking drugs and writing themselves off for a weekend and being already drunk that night he thought he'd join in. Some of the guys were married, others were not, but he said that they didn't discriminate in how they behaved. 

She initially kicked him out and found a lawyer to file for divorce. He begged her for a second chance and she refused. After many nights of arguing once their daughter was in bed he finally accepted her decision and they agreed he'd permanently move in with his brother. He wanted her to keep the house to minimise the disruption in their daughter's life. His moving out didn't stop him from showing up to ensure he remained an excellent father for their daughter and supporting her and was the first person there for her and her mother when her father died suddenly. Helping arrange the funeral, caring for their daughter when she was overwhelmed by grief and holding her when she cried. He gave her space but was a constant presence, never pushing for more and one night almost eight months after the event as she was getting ready for bed she realised she missed him. She missed the man she'd pledged her life to and she wanted to see if they could survive what he'd done. 

She had called him and asked that he come back to the house. He initially thought something was wrong with her or their daughter but she explained she wanted to talk to him about their divorce now that Tilly was in bed. She said that the devastation on his face when he arrived was the final thing that got her to finally agree to counselling. That his face was that of a man who thought his life was over. He knew she'd spoken with a lawyer and he thought she'd called him back to give him the divorce papers. They had both cried for hours that night. Him apologising for hurting her and Wendy for the risk she was taking in letting him back into her life.