The Fence

Chapter 87: We'll Talk

~Val~

I'll admit it.

I've made a lot of mistakes.

"Val, are you ready?" Grey inquires, raising an eyebrow.

I clutch the handle of Leo tightly, brushing my thumb over the carved initials of AF. I want my brother here with me. He always found something to say when I was feeling down. Yeah, I miss Anden more than anything.

Kirbena said that when she looks at me, she sees Nixon. But every time I wake up in the morning knowing I'm in the military, I see him. Anden, with his sharp hazelnut eyes, and his dark silky hair, and his pearly white smile. Occasionally he'll talk to me, but most of the time he doesn't. He wants to hug me, but his arms drift right through me. Sometimes I think he's a ghost, and his tan skin turns cadaverous and lifeless. But ghosts don't exist, right? And he doesn't look dead. He's Anden, as amazing as always.

"Val?" Grey repeats.

I wonder where he is now. Part of me wishes, almost begs to whatever rules the universe, that he's still out there. But most of me, the parts that control how I feel all the time, don't have anymore hope. I've spent it all. I wish, but I don't hope.

I feel a hand rest on my shoulder, and my brown eyes meet with gray ones. "Hey, are you alright?"

Anden would be ashamed of me.

I nod, forcing myself to smile. "Mhm," I squeak, my voice four times as high as it normally is.

"Okay. We're leaving soon."

"Kay," I murmur, keeping the smile plastered on my face.

So ashamed of my stupidity.

I was so cocky about my relationship with Leo, and refused that extra training when I could've used those two weeks to strengthen our bond, and to strengthen myself. I was not anywhere near what Bena and Sutikka had, and I knew that. I neglected my training because I was lazy. Because of that, I wasn't strong enough to defend myself against SnakeClan when the war first broke out, and Neveah took a poison arrow for me. How about then? He almost died too.

So ashamed of my selfishness.

He'd yell at me for not taking responsibility for that gun. He'd demand I turn myself in for giving Nixon that weapon, or he wouldn't talk to me again. He was always bluffing when he said stuff like that, but he still scared me. He would've said that it would be better off my chest, with Kirbena knowing how he got the gun in the first place. I was too scared, too selfish. The worst of my selfishness had brought that red-headed angel down, and she died miserable. All because I couldn't be alone.

So ashamed of my hatred.

He'd hate me for hating. Jeez, he's the opposite of me. He loves everyone! He'd even learn to live in Krimia if he had to. I guess I never hated Kirbena, I just wanted her to feel the same pain I did. I wanted her to feel alone, like she couldn't lean on anyone anymore. Oh, I know. I hated that she was so freaking happy. That no one blamed her for anything. Then again, none of it is her fault. And now I can't get myself out of this mess.

So ashamed of...

I clutch the note tightly in my hand, rumpled and ripped and tattered. The words are still legible though, despite my efforts to make them not so, and I shudder at the meaning of them. At the thought of what I was going to do.

I've made so many mistakes. I'll add this one to them in hell.

Why? It's not like I've lived that long. 18 years isn't enough time, or shouldn't be enough time, to accumulate as many mistakes as I have. Am I that bitter? Am I that bad a person?

He would tell me to be more like Grey.

How can that man have forgiven me already? How can he be so open to hold me, and comfort me, after everything I've done and said about him? I don't understand how a man like him can ever want to make a girl like me feel better. He's a yukos, but so what? To me, that just proves that I was even more of an idiot.

"Val, you're leaving soon," a low voice snaps me from my thoughts. I jerk my head to face her, sweeping over her textured red hair.

"I know," I reply, gazing at her softly.

Demi nods, beginning to walk away. She turns around though, her chartreuse eyes staring back at me. "Hey, uh..." she starts, turning her body to face me again. "I know you don't like me. I can't say any different when it comes to you, but..." She bites her lip, crossing her arms. "Just be careful, okay?"

"Yeah," I whisper, nodding. "You too."

"Oh," she raises an eyebrow, smirking. "You don't have to worry about me."

Will I be careful?

No. How can I be?

Luci hugs me next, pulling me close to him. I almost grunt in surprise, not expecting anyone to physically say goodbye. That's all he does, but that's okay.

"You seem so at peace, Val," Neveah murmurs, his pale orbs staring down at me.

"Yeah," I repeat, keeping my eyes locked on the tree behind him.

Pine dangles a loose arm around my shoulder, shaking me softly. "Be safe, birdie," he chuckles, referring to my last name.

"Likewise."

Donte kisses my cheek, giving me a warm smile. "You've helped me a lot. Just be sure you never make me help you."

"Right."

Auburn hair meets my gaze, and I stare up at Ky. His eyebrows twitch into some unreadable emotion. "Listen to everyone, okay? I can't have someone else go and die."

"Yeah."

Raven's striking blue eyes rest on me, and I meet them. He by far looks the saddest about my departure, despite not technically being a squad-mate. "I'm sorry I was so hard on you, Val," he whispers, extending his arms out.

"It's okay." I wrap mine around him in turn, closing my eyes while he hugs me. I want to remember this, when my squad-mates and my chancellor still want to say goodbye. Even if their words are empty, even if they don't mean them, I don't care. I just want to hear them say it, to hug me one last time. "I-I'm..."

Raven stares down at me, waiting.

"I'm sorry too."

That note...

It's too late, I already agreed. I'll die anyway.

I feel the pressure of that marble secured to my wrist, ticking, ticking, ticking.

Ticking away the hours of my life.

I've got a feeling.

That if my brother is dead, I'll talk to him very soon.