Together Forever

My Decision.

I put Hafsa's toys in her toy box, my shoulder holding the phone to my ear as I waited for my mum to pick up.

"As salamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu, habibti." She spoke as soon as she answered and even at the sound of her soothing voice my tense shoulders relaxed and a content smile took over my face.

I greeted her back the same way and in all her motherly glory, she asked me the dreaded question before I could even say another word.

"What's wrong, habibti?"

I picked up the last teddy bear on the floor and placed it in Hafsa's toy box before closing the lid and sitting on it. "You know me so well, mama." I sighed.

I could picture her smiling as she released a small breath. "Better than you know yourself." She stated. "Now go on, tell me what's wrong."

"I spoke with baba. I told him everything."

"Was he angry?" She said and I released a small chuckle.

"Livid." I commented.

"I do recall telling you to tell him as soon as you could."

I rubbed my fingers over my forehead. "I know, I know. He's okay now though. He agrees with you." I said.

She stayed silent for a while. "About?"

"That Zaid has a right to know."

"Soon you will realise it's the best for the kids, sweetheart." She sighed. "I know it's hard for y..."

"He told me." I cut her off, not being able to keep it in any longer.

"Who told you what, sweetheart?"

I shut my eyes tightly, licking my lips and swallowing as I threw my head back onto the wall behind me, holding my phone pressed against my ear. "Zaid told me why he left." I spoke, my words sounded mumbled and my voice was barely above a whisper but from her intake of breath and her silence, I knew she had heard me.

She didn't say anything and so I took the opportunity to continue. "He had cancer." I said, feeling a few tears slide down my cheeks. I explained everything he had told me to her and she listened silently on the other end.

"He left so you could move on." She guessed.

How did my mother always know everything? Alhamdulillah. May Allah grant her and all mothers Jannah al-Firdaws. Ameen.

I nodded my head with a sigh, knowing she couldn't see me.

If there were two things I had been doing more than ever in these past weeks, it was sighing and crying.

How great did my life sound?

I almost released a laugh at my inner thoughts but held myself from doing so. This was the qadr of Allah and who was I to complain about what He chose to make of my life? Astaghfirullah. 

"He said that if he were with me when he died, I wouldn't have been able to move on. But if he left, I would eventually hate him and meet someone else and be happy." I said, wiping my cheeks dry.

My mum released a breath. "My baby," She said softly, her voice cracking. "What's going on in that little head of yours?" She asked, clearly not expecting an answer from me.

"I feel like I'm in a hole and I don't know how to get out..." I trailed off. "I'm lost, mama and I don't know which way to go."

She stayed silent and I spoke again. "What would you have done, mum?"