Together Forever

My Friend.

It had now been two weeks since we had been to the hospital and Hamza as due for a check up. He had lost 5 kilos and his mood had been down from the constant vomiting, but it had eased these last couple of days so I was glad that he seemed to be getting better.

Every time he vomited I would start crying. Seeing my poor baby in such pain and restlessness didn't sit well with me, not to mention Hafsa had also been feeling upset about Hamza's sickness.

One good thing that came from this was that Jessica had indirectly sort of apologized to me for not paying more attention to Hamza when she had let him play outside that day he first vomited which made me smile.

It was a small step, but a step forward nonetheless. Alhamdulillah.

"Can I come too, mummy? Pleaase??" Hafsa whined as she latched onto my leg while I was trying to wear my tights.

"Hafsa, let go for one second, will you? I'm trying to put my pants on." I said as I tried prying her hands away from my leg.

"Mummy, please!?" She pouted up at me.

"If you want to come, you need to ask me properly. Not by holding my leg. Let go, please." I spoke clearly. I knew better than to say okay and make her let go of my leg. All that would do is make it seem like she could get whatever she wanted once she nagged me enough for it.

Her lips began quivering and I knew she was going to have a meltdown.

"Hafsa, no." I told her, but it was to no avail. She had already began screaming at the top of her lungs, throwing herself onto the floor while I shut my eyes and pinched the bridge of my nose.

I pulled up my tights, glancing at Hamza who was lying on my bed sleepily watching his sister's meltdown in silence with a stoic expression.

After putting on my white dress and a black plain everyday abaya on, tying it with the string across my waist, I tied a cream hijab on my head, ignoring Hafsa as she continued crying and screaming.

"Hafsa, you're okay." I said once I was ready. "You don't have to cry. Calm down."

She looked up at me, her cheeks red and tears streaming down her face as she continued to wail.

I bent down to get to eye level with her and ran my hand over her cheeks. "Hafsa, calm down. When you stop, we are going to leave." I told her but she moved her hands away from her face and instead hit my hands.

I shut my eyes, sighing as I felt a built up of emotions.

I was so grateful for my life and I wouldn't change my children for the world. But being a single mother was tough as is. Being a single mother of twins was even harder, and me? I was a single mother of two, one of whom had autism.

Sometimes it was all too much. Being a parent was tough, period. Considering everything that I had to put up with, sometimes I really did feel like giving up. I did want to get away from my children. I wanted time to myself. I wanted to sleep in on the weekends.

I loved my children more than anything that this world could offer me, but I was a human and these emotions were normal.

I remember when I had just given birth. Both Hamza and Hafsa would wake up in alternating turns throughout the night and there were many, many days where I hadn't gotten a blink of sleep for 46 hours.

I looked down at Hafsa and told her to stop but she didn't listen.

I shook my head and walked to the bed instead, running a hand over Hamza's hair. "Come on, baby. Time to go doctors again."