The Nerd Who Rules The School

Chapter 34

A week before the funeral, Tom approached me in school. I was startled to see him. He looked as bad as I felt; heavy bags under his bloodshot eyes. His crumpled shirt that had once fit him perfectly now hung on his frame loosely like it was a size too big. His shoulders hunched forward as if he was carrying a ginormous weight on his back. His eyes looked so lifeless, so hopeless it scared me for a second. Do I look like him?

I hadn't looked into the mirror for a while.
Why bother with how I look anyways, what's the point.

"Hey Laura." He greeted me hoarsely, it sounded like he had been crying for a long time.

I tried to give him a small smile, but it probably looked more like a grimace.

"Will you be giving the eulogy at the funeral?" The amount of sadness in the last word was so much. I tried to ignore the squeeze it gave my heart. Once again the wound that was barely healing was reopened and someone was pouring salt in it.

I remembered it clearly when her brother, Drizel had asked me to say the eulogy for her. I didn't promise anything, I couldn't promise something I knew I couldn't do.

"I don't even think I can attend." I said quietly to him. My voice sounded so detached. It had been a while since I had spoken.

"Oh." He didn't sound surprise.

"Will you then?" I looked questionably back at him.

"I don't know. I mean it was barely three months... but... but," I could tell he was struggling a lot, he looked so defeated.

"I think I loved- love her." He whispered so quietly, I thought I misheard him.

Surprised was written all over my face. It had been a long time since my face had shown any kind of emotion and it felt strange, "It was not even three months, how are you so sure?"

A ghost smile lingered on his lips as he said softly, "I don't know, I just know. Do you know that I was her lab partner last year?"

I nodded, I remembered faintly that she told me that not long ago.

"That was when I finally noticed her, but I was too shy to say anything until now. If only I had asked her out earlier, I-I..." he trailed off, he blinked as if he just came out of a dream.

Before I could say anything, the second bell rang, he gave me a bitter smile and rushed off to class.

I had no idea should I be relieved that now I had a new thought consuming my mind; the funeral.

Should I go?

Obviously I should, it's for my best friend.

The problem is, can I get through it? The funeral? Who is going to be there? The whole damn school, everyone was just going to give me pity looks and try to talk to me and cry like they knew her. As if they knew her at all.

I could tell my parents wanted to ask me if I'm going or not. They did asked me indirectly a few times, but I deflected all of it.

The week passed uneventfully, like the calm before the storm. Every night the same question burned on my mind, am I going?

I wanted to go for Maya, I owed her at least that much. However, something was just holding me back. I had a pretty good idea of what that 'something' was but I was once again denying it. The irony.

The day of her funeral arrived sooner than I would have like. The days before I had attended her parents' funerals.

It was the perfect days for funerals; gray clouds looming over us; the air was charged with electricity; you could literally feel the icy wind even with dozens of layers on.

Everything was grim and gloomy, a typical funeral day. I sat through her parents funerals, it was harder than I thought it would be. Seeing her brother's heartbroken face reminded me of the pain that I tried so hard to keep at bay.

The pain was like a swing, no matter how hard I pushed it away, it always came back high as ever.

I avoided everyone during the funeral, especially Drizel. I couldn't reject him the second time if he asked again. That night, right after her mom's funeral, my nightmare was worse than before.

I could only remember bits and pieces of it. Me holding Maya's lifeless, cold body; the blood oozing out of her body continuously, staining my white dress that I was somehow wearing. In the nightmare, I knew I could save her, but I didn't. I chose not to.

Waking up, I could feel the guilt eating me up alive, it's greasy hands clawing at my heart that had melted over night. That was the first time I had woken up with tears streaming down my face; it had been a while since I had shed tears. My throat was on fire, my body was too, everything felt feverish. At first I thought something was strangling me, but it was just my blanket.

I tore it off me and got off my bed, jumping into the shower to wash away the stain on my skin. I scrubbed till my skin was raw and pink, and only stopped when it turned wrinkly.

It wasn't even close to dawn, but I dressed into my funeral clothing; a black hoodie and black jeans. Since I had already wore two black dresses in a row, it was the only suitable clothing available.

I was grateful that my parents were too tired to hear the ungodly amount of noises I was making. The funerals were sucking the life out of them as it had for me.

Sunlight was streaming through my curtains by the time I finished getting ready, frowning at it, I pushed them aside. If there was a God, I knew he was now looking down and laughing at the cruel joke he was playing on me.

The sun was shining brightly unlike the last few days, its sunlight made the weather no longer freezing like hell. It was the perfect weather for a happy, normal day. It definitely didn't seemed like a day for a funeral. I shut the curtains hastily, as if that could hide the fact that the weather was perfect.

I sat down on the edge of my bed and waited for time to slowly tick by. I wished time would flow slower than it had. Time had always been a sadist, when you want it to stay still, it runs; when you want it to pass by quicker, it stops.