Mina

I Wouldn't Let Him

We sat in the same vegan restaurant we had gone to the first time I brought him to Crip. He hadn't stopped talking, shoveling food into his mouth as fast as he could. This was the Owen I remembered. The Owen before his accident. Larger than life and obnoxious only I didn't find him obnoxious anymore. I found him endearing and his happiness was infectious.

That was until he asked me how Penny was. I gave him my standard answer of "she's fine".

"Good. Is she home yet?" He asked, smiling at me.

I didn't want to talk about Penny. I didn't want my thoughts to drift from this moment where I could let Owen's elation left over from the game spill over onto me, seeping into my veins.

I didn't want to think about any of it. Penny, my dad, the letters, the lies, the maybe truths, the possibilities. All the things that could have been. The fact that I still couldn't open his letter. Too afraid of what I might find written across the pages.

I looked down at my food, my fork resting in my hand but I was know longer was interested in it.

"Not yet." I mumbled to my plate.

The flood of emotions was hitting me hard, tears swelling into my eyes. I blinked hastily, trying to avoid letting any fall.

And then I felt his hand on mine, my skin erupting with warmth like someone had lit a match millimeters from my flesh. My eyes trailed up, his hand on mine.

I didn't want to think about that either. About how I had this unbelievable boy sitting across from me. And how I couldn't let myself be close to him.

Slowly, I lifted my eyes to his, wishing that he could just understand. That he could see no matter what he did or said, I was too scared. I had made up my mind, long before he fell into my life, and there was nothing that would change it.

"What's wrong?" His voice came out urgent and vulnerable, brown eyes darting between mine.

My head shook, I wasn't entirely sure what I was saying no to. I just knew I needed to say no.

"You can trust me Mina." He sounded so real, so genuine, so much so I almost believed him.

Penny had trusted my dad at one point and he left. Even if he didn't actually intend to leave me, he had intended on leaving Penny. Because people left.

I wasn't sure anyone stayed. Not forever.

Even Max and Chelsea at some point would drift away, maybe not on purpose, but life has a way of pulling people apart.

And I had to minimize my heartache. Losing Max and Chelsea would most certainly devastate me. I couldn't weather the same fate with Owen. I wouldn't become my mother.

So I pulled my hand from Owen's even though my body was telling me to stay and I sat back, looking him square in the eyes.

"No, I can't."

As soon as the words left my mouth I could see that I had hurt him. I had damn near knocked the wind out of him. The steady of his brown eyes cracked like glass, uncovering a swirl of confusion and desperation that ripped to the surface like a tornado.

I wasn't any better than Jaelyn.

"Why?"

I had to look down, shaking my head as I poked at my food.

"Mina, why can't you trust me?" The desperation in his words was almost enough to completely ruin me.

I didn't know how to fix the parts of me that were broken. The parts that Penny had broke. I honestly wasn't sure I wanted to either. Life without heartache didn't sound that terrible.