Faded Gem: A Story About Overcoming Anorexia

Chapter Fifteen

(Author's Note: Hey, everyone. I'm truly sorry that I haven't updated in such a long time. I really, really am. If you want to know what happened, please take some time to read all of this till the end. I just needed some time to grieve, but holy frick, life was a rollercoaster while I wasn't writing.

I still left some comments on stories and such, but not a whole lot of them.

In case you haven't heard, my best friend, Ryan Abara, killed himself on August 4th. I was crushed. I swear I heard my ears ringing, my world was shattered, and I just couldn't stop crying. Ryan was always such a happy guy and he helped me through my anxiety too. I wasn't ready to lose that.

I mean, the rest of my friends and I were so excited for our next school year. Some of us are going to be sophomores, some of us juniors, and some seniors. Ryan was going to be a senior and I was sure that was going to be his time to shine. Ryan was also a theater kid like me, so we had planned on auditioning for the school musical together.

Ryan left no suicide note, so he left us wondering why. I won't go into the graphic details of when his parents found his body, but he shot himself and they described it as a horrifying sight. His funeral was on August 17th, three days before school started. There wasn't a dry eye in the room.

I've been having nightmares, I've been so angry at the people who have ever said anything mean about Ryan, angry at his father for abusing him and his mother, crying for days on end, and I've even been begging a God- any God that may or may not exist- to please let it be a cruel joke. I tried to write new chapters because I felt like I was letting my followers down by not posting, but I just couldn't. Especially this chapter. I was planning this chapter before Ryan's suicide happened and now the events in it remind me of the hell me and my friends went through. No more of Ryan's witty jokes at lunch, no more of his bright, encouraging smile, no more musicals together, no more seeing his comforting, reassuring eyes when I'm having a panic attack. No more Ryan. He's gone and I can't do anything about it. That's what hurts the most is feeling so powerless and numb.

I'm not posting this for attention. I'm posting it because I want you to know that this chapter was hard for me to write and I just wanted you to understand why it was so difficult for me to get done.

I also want to tell you what I learned from losing my friend: I learned that you have to let the deceased person go or it will never stop hurting. I learned that if there is a God, He's going to take people from you sometimes, but it's because He wants us to grow. No amount of begging and pleading with Him is going to bring the one you lost back. The sooner you learn to accept that, the easier you can learn to move forward. I learned that being angry at people and blaming them is only going to make things worse and it won't help you with anything you're going through. Lastly, I learned that the pain will come back. I still think of Ryan all the time. I still dream about him, but they're not nightmares anymore. Now they're pleasant dreams and they only make me cry because of how much I miss him. But it will get easier. I promise.

If you're thinking of suicide, please, please don't do it. It will destroy someone's life. Even if you think nobody is there for you, somebody's entire life is going to be changed in your absence. My friends and I could barely function these past weeks. There's just a gaping hole in our lives we're going to have to learn to rebuild ourselves around. Don't do that to the people in your life. Please get the help you need. You do deserve to be helped. You do deserve to be happy. You are not weak. You are so beautiful. You are so talented- even though you may not see what those talents are yet. Please live with the hope that it gets easier rather than the thoughts that people would be better off without you. It's not true. Don't be the reason your friends and family are wondering why.