Caged Bird *prequel to Angel Wings and Unchained*

I'm Negan

I walk down to the familiar recreational room and take a seat at the bar. I order a couple shots and hammer them down quick.

"Rough day?" A voice asks from behind me.

"Not the easiest." I say ordering another drink as I turn to face the voice.

"Oh you're Kendall, you went on that run that found all that supplies."

"Yeah, that was me." I respond.

"I'm Mason." The guy introduces himself. He's probably ten years older than me, 28 years old if I had to guess. He's tan from working in the sun all day and he has dark hair and light eyes. He's cute, maybe just what I need to forget about Negan. "Mind if I join you?" He asks.

"Not at all." I respond as he takes a seat. He orders us both a drink. A ping of guilt shoots through my body. Maybe I can't go through with this, do I even have it in me to totally use this guy? He seems so nice and caring but I'm sure he has the same thing on his mind as I do. Maybe we'd be using each other.

His sweetness turns a bit sour and I can tell what he's doing. He's buying me more and more drinks so it'd be easier for him to get into my bed. He probably does this with all the girls, but judging by his looks I'm not sure why. He must really have a shit personality or something. Normally I'd be appalled but I am so defeated by Negan I don't even care. I throw back another drink.

"So, I always thought you and Negan were..."

"We're not. I work for him, nothing more nothing less." I inform him taking my final shot for the night. I can feel the effects fully as I begin to see blurry and begin swaying a bit.

"Interesting." He says staring into my eyes. "So, you wanna get out of here?" He asks boldly and before I can even think logically he's pulling me from my chair. Do I really want this? I'm not sure. Am I gonna go along with it? Absolutely.

I stumble out of the chair shit faced drunk, he basically has to carry me up to my room. I stumble into the empty hallway as he pushes me against a wall.

"Damn you're so hot." He says to me but his words have no effect. Not the way Negan's do. 'No Kendall, focus...'

I fumble with my keys trying to get the door open while he's basically already trying to fuck me through my clothes. The sound of a door opens right as I am opening mine. I try to peer to see who it is but I'm too drunk and distracted to see. The sound of heels clicking echo the hall so I know it's not Negan. I try to not focus on the noise and just be in the moment with this guy. I finally begin to kiss him back, but every time I do images of Negan fill my head.

"I'm not sure if I can do this." I slur.

"Come on, you can't blue ball me now." He huffs finally getting into the doorway. He throws me onto the bed and I begin to have flashbacks from the first few night I was here. I begin to feel guilty about what I'm doing. I try to push it aside as I grow really tired from all the alcohol.

"Kendall? Pull yourself together, maybe I got you too drunk for this. Or maybe I gave you too much of the... Listen, I'm doing this weather you're awake or not." Mason rolls his eyes tugging at my clothes.

"Is that so?" A dark voice says from the doorway says. Mason stands to his feet as I try to peer over his broad shoulders. I try my best to keep myself awake. I mean I know I drank a lot but I really didn't think it was possible to get this drunk that fast.

"Care to explain what it is you're doing?" Negan asks I'm finally able to see Sherry next to him with another wife. He holds Lucille tightly in his grasps.

"Well boss... I'm trying to have a good time. I mean you of all people should know about those." Mason smirks trying to charm his way out of this.

"Yeah, well I don't need date rape drugs and alcohol to have a 'good time' that's for fucking sure. I mean honestly? Come on Mason, you're a good looking guy. So what is it? Can't stay up? Your good looks making up for the lack of... something else?"

"Negan. It's fine okay? Everything is fine. It's... it's what I want."

"You don't know what the fuck you want. Look at you, you can't even look straight. You can barely keep your eyes open and you think you know what you want. Plus who says this is even about you?" He snarls. "As it turns out, Mason has been sleeping with one of my wives for a few weeks now. Guess she called it off so he went to more drastic fucking measures." He pulls out his radio "Dwight, get the iron hot and ready for me please. And send Simon my way."

"Copy that." A voice responds.

Mason jumps to his feet and tries to go past Negan but Negan grabs a hold of his collar and slams him to the floor.

"You really are a fucking pussy man." Negan says as he raises his bat and gives him a hit to the head. Not hard enough to kill him, but hard enough to knock him out. Simon arrives and takes Mason from the room as I just watch in horror, Sherry gets me a glass of water and a cup of coffee to hopefully sober me up a bit.

"Now if you will please excuse us ladies, Kendall and I have to have a little chat. Go down to the main hall, make sure everyone is awake and gathered, shows going to begin shortly."

My mind began to race with what little thought process I had left. Was I going to get the iron? Was I going to get in trouble too? I couldn't... no way. I only did exactly what he did, well I was supposed to til I chose literally one of the worst fucking men in the compound. God how could I be so stupid to think I could ever get revenge on Negan? He's untouchable. Tears begin to sting the side of my eyes, what a fucking shit show this turned into. Negan just stands there watching me and I know he is loving every single second of it. It's as if he could read my mind.

"I fucked up." Is all I can say, I can't believe I just admitted to that. A tear rolls down my cheek.

"Yeah, you sure as shit did. But I guess I did too." He says sitting next to me on the bed. "So what was the plan? Sleep with a bunch of men to hurt me and hope you don't catch a fucking disease from it?"

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCKING PLAN WAS. Okay!?" I finally snap, "I was hurt, and I tried to pretend I wasn't but the truth is I was. And I know I can't stop you from seeing all your fucking pets but when I walked in... and saw you with her... it killed me inside. I wanted you to feel the pain I felt. But then I realized I didn't but it was too late. I just, I really like you, okay? And I don't mean as your worker, or friend, or this whole 'no strings attached' thing. And I know I shouldn't but I do. And sometimes I wish I didn't, but I do."

I thought telling him the truth would ease my suffering a little, but it only made my anxiety sky rocket to a new point. I look him in the eyes and the last emotion I thought I'd see is fear.

"Kendall, you're drunk and are on some type of drug... you, you don't know what you're saying."

"Yes. I do. Okay, I know exactly what I'm saying and I mean every fucking word of it. And I just, I don't get you. It's as if you have a fucking split personality. One side of you is fun, and almost kind, confident and caring. And the other one is just cold, dark, selfish, vague, closed off, and just so... angry. You're just so confusing. I don't understand why you can't just tell me what you want Negan! Why won't you tell me what you want!"

"Because what I want is what I can't have."

"What do you mean?"

"Who are you Kendall?"

I pause for a moment staring blankly into open space, I know who I am, and I know what he wants me to say. Maybe this is the best way for me to apologize.

"I'm Negan."