"Is everything okay Bella? You seem a bit down." Calum frowned as we walked.
"I'm okay, just dealing with some stuff... I'd rather just not talk about it if that's okay."
"Yeah of course... just know if you ever need to talk about anything I'm here." He smiled.
We were walking the streets of Berkeley with coffee in hand, after studying for a few hours. I hadn't heard from Harry since I left, and I was praying that he was gone and didn't just sit in my dorm room for hours.
Cause that would have been a tad bit creepy.
I felt bad though, for just kicking him out like that. I didn't mean to be rude, and I came off more harsh than I'd liked too, but in my defence I was overloaded with information.
I'd have to apologise to him for being so aggressive when telling him to leave.
"Thank you, Calum." I spoke softly.
It felt like I was being bombarded with men coming in and out of my life, and I was getting sick and tired of it.
But it seemed like no matter how many boys came and passed, I couldn't get my mind off Harry.
I felt bad, because while Calum and I were studying today, I couldn't get my mind off him and what he said during our last conversation. Although I keep telling myself and others that there was no reason for me to see him anymore, I couldn't help but feel as if I was being pulled toward him constantly. No matter what happened, I was being drawn to him...I needed to let go of whatever hold he had on me.
"Anytime Bella." He pulled his phone out of his pocket, checking the time. "I hate to cut this short but my friend just texted me about a project I completely forgot about. Are you okay if I head out? I can walk you to your car." He smiled.
"No, no... you better go. I might walk around for a while longer anyways." I nodded.
"Thanks for today Bella. I had fun, I'll see you Monday?"
"See you on Monday." I smiled before he turned away, walking back to his car.
I let out a sigh before making my way back to my Jeep, throwing my bag in the backseat I quickly drove off.
The drive back to my dorm was only five minutes, but was filled with anxiety bubbling in my stomach. I didn't know if he'd still be there or not, and quite frankly I had no idea what to do if he was.
Opening the door, I was met with Harry sitting cross-legged on my bed. His head shot up once he heard that the door was opened, and I swallowed harshly.
Our eyes met as I stepped inside, shutting the door quietly behind me.
"I... I was going to leave but I couldn't find my phone. I'm sorry Bella." His voice cracked, and I began to have the feeling that this was about more than just his phone being dead. He gazed at me with sad eyes, and I felt myself wanting to sink into the floor.
"It's okay." I said, walking to the bed and taking a seat next to him.
"Can I use your phone to call an uber? I don't want to make you uncomfortable so I'll leave as soon as possible."
I breathed slowly, rubbing my eyes
In order to let go, I needed to let everything out. There'd be nothing tying me to him if I let go off all of the pain and suffering he put me through...
But after seeing him so often, I wasn't sure that's what I wanted anymore.
"If I talk, can you just listen?"
He nodded, his green orbs looking dull as he gazed at me.
I walked over to the bed and took a seat next to Harry, my playing with my fingers as they rested in my lap.
"I was shocked. I couldn't even speak to Cheryl... I couldn't believe what I saw Harry." He rubbed his eyes. "I loved you, and I thought you loved me... It was a slap in the face. It was like, everything we'd done meant nothing to you, like I meant nothing." I cupped my face with my hands, tears pouring out of my eyes.
Surely in the past few weeks I'd cried enough to fill an ocean.
"I went back to Michael about a month later cause I felt lonely. I ended up getting into drugs to take the pain away, because nothing could. I tried so hard to forgive you for hurting me like that... but I couldn't." I let out a breath, seeing Harry's eyes filled with tears as he stared at the ground. "I uh, attempted suicide a few times. I didn't have a scholarship anymore, I didn't have you either. I couldn't let go of it, of us, I mean. I had some of the best times of my life with you, and I really loved you Harry, I still do even after what you put me through... but I shouldn't. When I came home and you called I didn't tell anyone, not even about the night I picked up cause I felt like I was disappointing everyone, which is what led to me trying to kill myself I guess." I gulped, looking at Harry.
"I hate myself for what I did to you Bella. I hate myself so much." He sobbed.
"That was probably the worst pain I've ever felt Harry. You meant so much to me and it showed me that I meant nothing. It made me feel like I wasn't good enough for you... You said you'd never hurt me like Michael did and you were right... you hurt me so much worse than he ever could have."
I looked up at Harry, our eyes meeting. He was sad, almost broken looking.
"The day you came over I was doing shrooms early in the morning, I was never really able to sleep without you around." He spoke sadly, his words coming out barely above a whisper. "When she came over that day it was because she wanted to be with me. I told her I had a girlfriend, but she never wanted to take no for an answer. When you showed up at my door it wasn't that I wasn't excited to see you, I was just high and angry."
I nodded, wanting him to continue as he gazed at me.
"I'll never be able to forgive myself for what I did, and you shouldn't either. But I just want you to know that I never had any intentions to cheat on you. I know that doesn't excuse it, but I hope you'll be more easy on yourself... it was never because of you. Don't blame yourself for my actions." He sighed, wiping tears from under his eyes.
I reached forward, engulfing Harry in a hug. I didn't know what else to say.
But his arms around me felt like home.
My head rested in his neck and we both cried, the familiar feelings of his arms around me making me cry even more. Neither of us wanted to end up this way.
We sat like that for a few moments, enjoying the embrace. I found myself wishing that it wouldn't end, and I think that he felt the same way too.
Finally I pulled back, knowing that what I was about to say could change everything that could happen moving on from this, I assumed he would hate me.
But then again, I wouldn't blame him. I'd hate me too.
I wiped the tears from my face one last time, taking his hands and tracing small circles on his palms.
"There's something else I need to tell you Harry. Please don't hate me."
"What is it Bella?" He looked at me, concern and sadness laced in his tone.
"I had a miscarriage."
wow hi it's been a minute
i wanna start off by saying THANK YOU to everyone that commented on the last chapter, i'm feeling inspired to finish this book:)
also i wanted to apologize for taking so long to update, i got a new job and online school has been kicking my ass but we vibin LOL
anywaysss if anybody is still reading thank u for sticking around i promise i'll be better at updating hehe ily
