Old one

I woul've noticed

Since my exams are over I feel content. I feel free...not physically but mentally. This heavy feeling in my head that I had for forever isn't there anymore. I don't think that much, I don't worry that much and I have control. Control over me, the one thing I desire to have.

The wish of control reminds me of my dad which disgusts me but I always tell myself it's a different kind of control. I like to have control over me and he...does too but what I'm saying is he likes to have control over other people and I just over myself.

He's treating me like he always does but he gets easier on me. I don't know if it's because of my weight or because I'm doing 'acceptable', his words not mine, in school but he doesn't comment bad on my body anymore.

My mom always looks at me with a worried face every time I come home from the gym but when she sees the protein cup, she smiles. The protein cup is only for her to not worry, there's actually nothing in there.

Liv is acting all weird around me. She's definitely letting the situation affect our friendship which is sad since I don't even feel bad. I told her multiple times that I'm eating fine and just go to the gym because I don't have a hobby besides photographing.

I don't know why they're so worried. As I said I finally have more control again...

That's exactly what I keep telling myself for about an hour now as I'm sitting in the middle of the night on the couch, staring at the fridge, imagining what I could've eaten for dinner.

I didn't eat dinner for over a month now because lunch and an apple is definitely enough for a day. I mean my stomach tells me something different since it's growling sometimes but I got used to the hunger until three days ago where my stomach started to hurt, since then I'm actually struggling to eat because of the fear I might...loose the control I have. Tuesday I only ate lunch at school. Yesterday I ate an apple and today I ate nothing.

But don't think it's something bad, I'm actually proud. I didn't push through something like that in a long time and it makes me proud to think that I'm still able to.

If my stomach would stop bothering I would actually be satisfied. I'm just gonna have a look into the fridge and see if there's anything I could eat for my stomach to be satisfied.

I open the fridge and look at every item, analyzing and imagining how they would taste but mainly I'm counting.

146...

276...

81...

20...

The numbers are all coming back like I never forgot about them. All still perfectly memorized.

I look at the milk, eggs, juices, leftovers, vegetables, wait the leftovers look really good. I shake my head and grab some grapes and blueberries, hoping it settles my stomach.

A package of blueberries and grapes later and I'm full. I'm not hungry anymore which doesn't mean I don't have appetite. Why do I have so much appetite. These leftovers start to look better and better. Okay just one fork...

...

It wasn't just one fork.

I ate all of the delicious leftovers of the casserole my mom made for dinner today...and the salad too...and because I saw a good looking yogurt also that...and so did I eat three bowls of cereal...

All of that in not even a half an hour. What did I do. What have I done. No no no. I feel disgusting. I have to get rid of it. I can't throw it up, I can't do that, I really shouldn't do that. Should I call someone? No, forget it.