From The Bottom Of My Heart

Lockdown

Dear Beautiful Book,

I wasn't much of a reader back in 7th grade. My friends used to read these really big books while I used to be lost in these little fairytales. I was very embarrassed of myself and didn't know what to do. I remember, I was reading this one horror book during lunch and it was just me, Zia, Isa and my crush in the room (yes, I did have a crush but ofc I thought that I wasn't good enough for him). My crush came to me and asked me what I was reading and stuff, I told him about the book and he asked me why I was reading slowly. I didn't know how to reply to that, I couldn't just say that I didnt read books and I was trying to get used to it, It would make me look bad so instead, I told him that I liked to read each paragraph and analyze it, which was kind of true. 

I don't wanna go in detail about my crush and stuff cause that makes my life sound even worse, but let me tell you that he liked somebody else and that was the end of it. He was my first crush and it was kinda hard for me to lose feelings for him. That is honestly the last thing I remember from 7t grade, nothing else. I also do remember boarding the bus and hoping that my school would give us a break for a few months which did come true thanks to covid. Before I knew it, everything was under lockdown and I wasn't allowed to step out of the house. Our school informed us that we would have online exams instead of normal, but we had to write the answers on a paper, scan it and send it to the school and I took my own sweet time, googling stuff, watching youtube while also writing my exam.

I never actually cheated in my entire life before that, but lockdown kinda forced me to. 7th and 8th kinda just passed away like that... in lockdown. I didn't even study anything during lockdown and spent my time reading kpop (mostly bts) fanfictions on youtube while playing BTS world during online classes. This was when I became a HUGE kpop fan. I got a bit obssessed tbh and even decided to search up the members numbers. I came to my senses when I saw this one comment saying how the members have their own privacy and we couldn't just search for their numbers. I felt really bad and promised myself that I would never do something dumb like that again. 

Anyways, in 8th, we had checkpoint which was apparently really important, however, it was only for english, science and maths. I didn't bother to study since I thought it would be online. My parents decided that they wanted to change my school after 8th, so they took me to this school called DWPS which had a CBSE syllabus and they wanted to test my skills in english , maths and hindi. I thought CBSE would be easier than IGCSE but I was wrong. I failed Hindi and Maths and the teachers had to take a one-on-one test online and I failed that too. The school rejected me which made me feel more useless, the thing that made me feel even worse was the announcement that checkpoint will be conducted offline, in-person. 

I panicked and started to read everything 2 days before the exam, my parents gave up on me that moment. I told my friends that I would be leaving the school after 8th ended and they were sad, especially Isa and Zia. I grew very close to them during lockdown and they didnt want me to leave. Anyways, the exams were kinda hard and I got the highest in maths surprisingly and the lowest in english. I got like a 3/6 in all subjects which was like in the middle. I do remember crying because I was disappointed in myself. 

After that, I went to online classes for a while for 9th. This was when my parents started to fight. Its a very sensitive topic but a lot happened. My parents have always been arguing with each other, even when I was a child. I remember crying so much when I first saw them fighting, but then, I got used to it. Their fights got worse during lockdown, my mom even threw a knife at my dad and my dad almost called the police on my mother. All this was for money and that's why, I hate money. It ruins relationships and people. It creates a different class and it is the reason why poverty exists.

Soon, everything was back to normal, but I can never get over that. So much happened and it affected my mental health as well but my parents actually have no idea. I also remember my mom calling my uncle and complaining to him about my dad, a big mistake. My uncle accused my parents of faking their fight just so that they could get money from my aunt. My mom got mad at this and hung up after yelling at him, we broke all connections with our relatives after that. I was actually happy though, my cousins were jerks and they used to laugh at me along with bad-mouthing me. My entire family was greedy for money, except my dad and me.

I know that because my uncle re-married this woman who was a bit too proud of herself, he started listening to her and he completely stopped paying attention to my cousin. During their marriage, I was asked to dance and of course I chose a bts song. I chose Dynamite and Fire and I danced to it. Nobody clapped after my dance which made me cry... I was just a sensitive person. My dad took me outside and comforted me before going back in. All my relatives said that I did amazing, but I found them laughing at me later on, saying that my dancing skills were sloppy and I should probably quit dancing.

I got really mad that I begged my dad to leave. He agreed and we all left. I was so excited for and they just decided to ruin it... I was really disappointed and I didn't dance for two whole years. My parents were no help and continued to make me feel worse. I remember asking myself if my life could get worse or not?