From The Bottom Of My Heart

Deja vu? Definitely Not

I still remember on my first day, I sat in the first bench in maths class (which was happening when I entered) and it lasted for 15 min, but that time was enough to make me confused. CBSE maths was very different from IGCSE maths and I knew I needed to work very hard. We were learning bout graphs and stuff and I was confused. 

After class, the first thing I did was approach my friends and talk to them. It felt amazing, being surrounded by them again and not just staring at walls. I loved being included and not just being ignored by people. I was finally not an outcast. We spent a lot of time together and during our break (the last two classes) we went outside and on one of the slides. It was just me, Zia and Isa and they introduced me to the class and told me how much everybody changed, but they still looked the same to me. They told me who to hang out with and who to not hang out with and then we just sang songs, it was really peaceful and I still think about that day almost everyday. 

Imagine being hugged by people and meeting up your best friends again whom you haven't seen for ages. It feels like heaven, it makes you forget everything that's happening around you. I remember going back home after, very happy, I was smiling like an idiot and my parents could tell that it had been an amazing day for me. I didn't know my bus number yet so my dad picked me up that day. I swear I still have no idea how I remember all of this stuff. 

I remember lying down on my bed and thinking if I did make the right decision, I promised myself that I would start working very hard from that day onwards for my parents, prove them that I would do better in IGCSE, but my motivation usually only lasts for one night max and then I give up. 

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A few days went by and things were alright. I wrote my exams in Artion for the first time again after rejoining. I somehow passed even though I didn't prepare too well and had almost no notes and no textbooks. Znotes saved my life and im not even kidding. I just skimmed through those notes and I did well somehow, but I wasn't satisfied with my marks since I felt like i could've done better.

I was happy that my social life was going up, the only good thing tbh. My grades were dropping and they were horrid. In IGCSE, we have two levels, Core and Extended. Core was like the basic level and the maximum grade you could get in it was a C while Extended was in depth and the max grade you could get was an A*. I chose Maths and Phys core since those are two subjects I despise and I chose Chemistry, EVM (environmental management) and Biology extended since I was actually kinda good at those subjects.

After a few of those tests, my Biology teacher called me into her room and showed me my paper, I got a 41/80, not bad right? but she thought I wouldn't be able to keep up and asked me to switch to core, but that meant that there was no way I would be able to secure a distinction because a person would need to get A or more in 3 subjects and in the others, a C or more and I really thought I could do it, but my hopes shattered because of that one incident. I did end up changing to core and it got really easy, it was stuff I learnt back in 8th grade! 

I still have those papers with me, I saved them cause memories and now when I try to solve them, they feel so easy. Chemistry was a totally different thing and our teacher was kinda intimidating me into picking core, but I'm honestly glad I did cause I skipped Stoichiometry, I knew the basics but I wouldn't get it in the exam. That was one chapter I sucked at. 

You could tell I was struggling, but my besties were there to help, almost the entire class actually, even the guy who kinda bullied me for my artwork in 6th grade wanted to teach me chem and the thing is, I have no interest in this guy, I mean, i don't even know him that well but my friends shipped me with him cuz apparently he was nicer to me than he was to the others. Weird reason, but they're my friends, so imma ignore that.

After a few days of studying and dying and being all depressed in a happy way, but not everything was happy. We had our first MUN and I was selected to be the Chair, but my committee ended up getting cancelled and that sucks cause I worked really hard. I ended up as an IP (international press) instead which wasn't that bad honestly. 

We worked really hard for it and me, Isa and Anna were few of the people who were selected for going to other schools to invite them and we were very excited. The next day, we came in proper uniforms and we went to our principal's office to pick our schools. We had to pick a random set and we got ; Silvia Orks, Vanity national school, Merinaus branch 1 and Merinaus branch 2 and KHS

We were hoping to go to Orkrise since my online friends studied there and Isa's mother was a teacher there, but this wasn't bad. I asked Amanda and my junior, who were going to Orkrise, to say hi to my friends Eun, Machu and Hanu if she saw them and she agreed. I knew the chances were less, but we set out anyways. 

We 3 boarded the bus and we had an entire bus to ourselves! I mean, there was a chaperone of course, but she didn't care honestly. I also got my phone, just in case and we set off. Most of the time, we were taking photos, listening to music and preparing our invitation speech. We decided the order in which we would say it and we decided that Isa should go first since she's the eldest and majority wins. We had a book and a pen to note down the schools email and phone number and I was the one that did it. 

Silvia Orks was first and idk what we were expecting, but we really thought there would be tea or biscuits offered for us, so we were disappointed when they didn't even let us meet the principal. We had to give the invitation to the receptionist and leave after noting down the number and email. Next was the Merinaus big branch and the school was an amazing one. There was AC and people were so friendly to us, we loved it. 

I don't have much to say about the school, we all invited the people and ended up not going to Vanity since the road was blocked. The best part was Isa and Anna asking our bus driver and somehow convincing our teacher to stop at a store to get ice cream and a few snacks. I sat in the bus, quickly completing my lunch cuz my parents would've scolded me if I didn't. After that, I had the ice cream and saved the chips and juice for later. 

We came back around 2:45? our classes ended at 3 so we just decided to sit in our respective buses and we distributed the snacks equally. I gave mine to the people in our bus and told them bout what happened along with their daily horror story. Shannon was in my bus and that was the only reason I was talking to people honestly, or else I would just mind my own business. 

After reaching home, I texted Eun and found out that she did meet Amanda and thanks to me, they noticed each other. I spoke to Amanda in school and she told me that the principal insisted that they have lunch in the cafeteria and so they agreed and went there and that's where Amanda met Eun and Machu, sadly not Hanu though but that was fine.

My bus and Hanu's bus always crossed paths and we always tried to see each other and one time, when her bus and mine slowed down, we actually did and my mood immediately improved. See, that's what having good friends does to me, if I see them, my mood temporarily fixes itself, but that didn't mean I was happy.

I developed severe social anxiety in Radcliffee and it kept growing to a point where I thought about my future and had random panic attacks, but did I tell anybody? no. Did my parents notice? of course not. For them, it was a temporary thing, something that would pass, but it never did. I thought that it did get better, but I was wrong. I just didn't realize it until I went outside with my parents or friends. I felt like everybody was judging every move I made and I didn't like that one bit.

I wanted to escape, I wanted to end all of it at one point. I wanted a new life. I hated myself