From The Bottom Of My Heart

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"Without your presence, my colorful world faded into black and white"

After 10 ended, after my farewell, I realized how much both my parents had gone through. It's not my life to tell but their life was wayy tougher than mine which is why they have so many expectations from me. I wanted to become an archeologist and go for humanities, or an editor and take computer science, but my parents wanted me to become a doctor because of the respect that came with it. 

See here's the thing, I hate looking at human organs, blood and muscles so I could never survive med school even though I'm great at Biology. I didn't know which school to go to and I was confused on the syllabus too. 

I wanted to take A-levels with Isa, but she decided to take CBSE and Zia? She took SSE, which is state to focus more on IIT and all those important exams. That was when I knew we would be separated and I would miss them. They were like my depression pills and it was gonna be hard getting used to going to school without them. 

I finally decided to join the school most of my classmates were going to and i decided to join The Graystein School which offered CBSE and IB. A lot of my classmates were joining this school, Nikki and Amanda being two of them so I decided it would be a good choice since I wouldn't feel alone, however, the school was very far away from my house, maybe 1 hour and 30 minutes by bus and then a 15 minute additional walk from my bus stop to my house. 

We had like 3 months to prepare ourselves and I wanted to spend time with Zia and Isa, my classmates in general actually. Me, Zia and Isa played roblox almost every day and went to malls to hang out. It was so much fun and I knew... I knew I would miss all of this. 

In May, we went to Graystein for asking them for an admission and they didn't really conduct any tests or anything, it was rather like an interview and I'm pretty sure I looked dumb af. I couldn't decide whether I wanted CBSE or IB because I thought CBSE would be way ahead of me, and I didn't want to do Physics in IB, I wanted Psychology instead but my dad asked me to take Physics anyways for the Indian med exams. 

After days of thinking, I finally chose IB, with all sciences. For IB, we need to pick 3 higher level subjects (similar to extended in IGCSE) and 3 standard level subjects (similar to core in IGCSE). My dumb brain decided to pick Physics higher level and chem standard level when I suck at Physics. Other than that, I chose Biology and English for higher level and Spanish and Maths for standard level. 

I regret picking those subjects with all my heart, Im going insane. It's so hard to catch up in Physics or do well in biology, something I'm generally good at but somehow... I suck at it right now. 

The coordinator of the school told me that school would be starting in June and I was not ready for that. I enjoyed my summer vacation as much as I could, not knowing what the future held for me, but little did I know, my future would be fine, stressful, but fine. 

In June, I went to the school to get my things; uniforms, books, etc. The queue was very long and it was burning hot, I felt so dizzy I had to take a seat. It was just me and my dad so when I went to try on the uniforms, I had to choose the size myself, my mother was busy at work and I do understand, but sometimes, it feels like she doesn't care all that much about me. 

Fortunately, I met Nikki and her mother on the way to the changing area where we could pick our sizes by wearing the shirts/skirts on top of our current clothes, just a way to test it. I picked big ones and that was when I felt so insecure cuz my sizes were bigger than most of the girls in the room. It made me all insecure and I got out of there as soon as possible with my sizes. 

I went outside and my dad was waiting for me there with the books in his hand. We only had notebooks and no textbooks cause it was IB and we needed to use as many resources as possible. He bought the notebooks when I went in to try the sizes. After a while of talking to Nikki, my other classmates arrived, the ones who were with me in Artion and were gonna be with me in Graystein. 

I remember Amanda, Peter and Nikki all talking and me feeling left out. It was so weird without Zia or Isa with me. I excused myself and went with my dad to the area where we could collect our shirts and skirts. I was down for the rest of the afternoon, but see, the thing is, it's so easy to cheer me up, it worries me. You buy me an ice cream and it makes me happy, or get me a warm bowl of kichidi. 

We got our stuff and returned home, my dad did notice how down I was but he didn't question it, he ordered some momos for me to eat and that did cheer me up. That and going on Discord for a while to talk with my friends, particularly Zia and Isa or my other friends (the list is too big to list). 

After all that, it was time for my results. May 25th I believe? I don't remember the dates or the sequence that well, but I remember my teacher was calling everybody and telling them their grades, however, I didn't pay the fee completely so she just told me I passed and that made me relieved. I remember crying and being the happiest person on earth -- as of then.

That gave me the push I needed to start this book which somehow has more reads and love than I expected it to have. I found out later on that I actually passed with a Merit which was least expected since I didn't think I'd pass in the first place.

I promised myself to do better in 11th grade and make my parents proud. That was the decision I took, to be their perfect smart child that they had been asking for.