From The Bottom Of My Heart

Ah, Stress

Our boards were getting closer and time passed really quickly. The MUN went very well and I wrote many articles about it for the school and the IP was thankfully impressed. I came home that day after social night and fell asleep cause I was very tired. 

After that, I thought about my life and decided that I would need to study harder to actually pass my exams. It was too much stress for me. My friends were discussing about what school/college they would go to after 10th and here I was, worried if I'd even make it or not. When I finally started to worry bout my next school as well, Artion decided to take us to a school which was built by the same organization which started Artion. The school was Credious and we had no idea we were going until the day almost ended.

Our school actually forgot that there was going to be an orientation so our principal just called us to her cabin and explained the situation to us. We all agreed to go and we called our parents to inform them before we did go. 

That morning, my classmate asked me for my jacket since he was cold (apparently) and I actually gave it to him after kinda hesitating because I didn't want him to be cold. Ok but the actual reason is cuz I can't really say no to people and I try my best to help them. Lets call this guy Phil. Word had spread that I gave my jacket to Phil by the time we reached school and people were asking me to confirm. 

I didn't really care and just focused on the orientation where they explained what subjects we could pick in 11th and what we could become in the future. They also told us how our subjects in 11th would impact our career. After all that was done, we were asked to go to the cafeteria for snacks and thats when I felt lonely. Zia was in Credious before and she knew people, she was pretty popular actually and I loved that for her, but I felt left out. She did introduce me to people but me as an introvert just wanted to be left alone then. 

For snacks, they gave us juice and samosa, classic Indian snacks. I was done with it and I waited for my other friends to be done with it too. After that, we went outside to wait for our buses so we could go back home but we had to wait until their school ended. I was already anxious because I knew I was going to be separated from my friends and I was gonna be with people I didn't even know.

I just spoke to my friends and walked with them for like, 1 hr and 30 min? Then the management told me my new bus route and I boarded the bus, not very ready. Thankfully, the bus was empty and I sat down in the 2nd seat. That's when this guy started talking to me, I didn't remember him at all but he remembered me. How? He was in my bus during Artion's MUN. I remembered and I was glad I knew somebody. 

I kinda calmed down and stopped overthinking, but the silence was concerning. There were girls whispering and stuff and naturally I thought that they were judging me. I told the driver the directions and I was home soon. It was like 6pm or something and I had no energy to study, but my pre-boards were in a few days and I HAD to do well in them. I HAD to prove to my parents and my teachers that I could do well. 

I did study that day and I fell asleep at maybe 12am. That studying session happened everyday until our pre-boards. I was a nervous wreck. I really wanted to do well in the pre-boards and I wrote all the exams without cheating. I went from doing horrible to manageable with my best subject being Biology. I got all my revision in most subjects except Phys, a subject I just didn't get or like and Zia was thankfully there to help me. While she helped me in Phys and made me understand, Amanda helped me with English. 

I was really thankful. Apart from studies, everything else was fine. My parents were pretending to get along for my sake, we mostly had free time in Artion and during that time, we usually went to our athletics track to walk and during recess, which was my favorite memory, I went to our secret hideout (we had two, one was the parent's waiting lounge where nobody visited during school hours and the other one was on the 3rd floor, an empty room the school just forgot bout. We usually went to the PWL [parent's waiting lounge]) with Zia and Isa and we had our lunch there while talking. If it was in the 3rd floor's room, we usually just watched videos while eating.

Before I knew it, our pre-boards were over and there was one week left for our boards. I didn't go to school at all and I prepared in my home, not very well but I did. I went to school on the day of our first board exam again and I was shivering. It was just english, but I didn't know how I would do since I usually got carried away with narrative writing. We walked into the exam room and they started to check us for any cheat sheets and stuff and none of us had any. The person checking let me go without checking my pockets so I asked her to check it because of the satisfaction. 

Before the exam started, we were asked to sit in another room first. I usually grabbed a transparent bottle cuz I get nervous and start to drink water either to remember stuff or calm tf down. We had transparent pouches since our normal ones weren't allowed. I was fine with that since I wasn't planning on cheating anyways. 

The first time I entered the examination hall, my heart stopped. It was so big and had that serious vibe. All the seats were pre-assigned according to our candidate number and I got the 2nd last seat in the 2nd row from the left. I opened the paper after the teacher said we could and trust me, I've never seen my class so quiet. All I could hear were pages flipping, the AC and pens clicking. 

The paper wasn't that hard, I was just nervous. The papers are now available on past paper sites like papa cambridge. The exam started in feb and ended in march, I didn't know how I did but I felt like I messed everything up after taking each test. After the tests, I sat down with Dia, Amanda and Nikki to watch Sam and Colby in CBSE's class since their exams were done. It was really fun! I could scare them or just enjoy myself and there was a time when almost the entire class was there and we were recording ourselves with our mobiles and I later turned it into a time lapse. 

Soon enough, my boards were done. I didn't even expect it to just go by that quick. Everybody says that 11th and 12th and college are the hardest parts of education, but for me, 9th and 10th was the hardest because of our financial condition. It did get stable though, slowly. We had a break for 2 months and enjoyed a lot during that break knowing I might not have the chance to enjoy it again after results. 

I went out with friends a lot, played video games, went to movies, played with percy, daydreamed and became delulu for a few minutes. Our results would be out in May 25th so I didn't want to waste my time. I thought I would fail... I didn't know how to respond to my parents or my friends if I did. I prayed hard everyday, I didn't want a distinction or a merit, I just wanted to pass.