There is No Epic Loot Here, Only Puns

84: For Whom the Dungeon Trolls

The chewing of bones was a little disturbing as Delta watched the monster known as a troll reach through the hole like an English-accented bear trying to find some delicious honey. In this case, the honey being more of the screeching bear skeletons and mindless undead variety that were trying to pierce his grey skin with brittle weapons that did little to deter the determined troll.Pale yellow eyes squinted as the troll pulled at something and came back with what looked like green slime and a clear dripping liquid."That's flipping ectoplasm! Those spooky birds, the ghosts, should be swarming us about now!" Jack said in surprise before turning his gaze to the troll."Hero! I am in awe at the size of this lad, he looks like he eats brick shithouses for a starter meal! I could have used him back in the day!" Jack said as he scampered up the troll's back to stand on one shoulder."How goes the number crunching? Crunching being a bit more literal than these spooks are used to." Jack added. The troll blinked at him as Delta moved closer as well. The large creature smiled a stupid grin of pleasure at her."Ma! Look! I got soft crunch! I can smear it on the bones for sauce!" he showed off large yellow teeth that could crush diamonds. Delta smiled weakly but after Maestro, Bob, and even a few others... the troll was manageable.Delta put a reminder on her internal diary to cry about her desensitization to monsters and their appearances."Good! Glad you're enjoying your life already. You're... a good troll!" Delta said after a beat. Devina came up and the troll blinked before he shyly turned his gaze back to the flailing skeleton he had just grabbed and stuffed it into his mouth to pretend he was busy.Was his grey skin turning black with a blush?"You are quite strong, sir troll." Devina praised and the flush travelled all over the troll's body. Inchy eyed him."What, you got a bone to pick with Dev and Inchy?" the bird sang. Rale appeared next and on his shoulders were Numb and Billy. Numb looking pleased by the ride, Billy, less so, but the idea of a sniper's spot was keeping him still.Her monsters were goddamn fusing now.Rale being the walking fortress of muscle as Billy fired arrows from above. Numb would just rain down fists... actually it's not a bad idea... Delta shook her head as the Troll's eyes lit up with joy."Gobbos! Troll and Gobbos go together like meat on bone! Like... caves and bats! Like... LIKE... Troll and Gobbos!" the creature said finally, ignoring the hole filled with leering skulls and ghostly hatred.Goblins... trolls... spooky underground ruin filled with dead things... Delta felt like she was teetering dangerously close to being sued. If a fire demon turned up then she was going to run for the hills and hope no one served her a court day."Great, we needed a walking mass of destruction that eats everything in its path. After all, we left Bacon upstairs." Cois cackled. His staff gave off a few sparks of fire and the troll paled as if seeing something horrible."Fire is bad! Gobbo not play with fire!" the troll accused. Devina, without looking, kicked Cois hard enough to send him rolling into Delta's core with a thunk."Watch out for mother!" Devina huffed. This was enough to make the troll beam again."Pretty Devinah is best Gobbo... not-gobbo!" said the pleased looking troll. Delta was just watching this unfold, watching how this new piece of her family slotted in to the dynamics."Devina." the witch doctor corrected."Defee!""De....veeenn....nah." Devina repeated, her face growing pained."Devenha." came the confused response."Dev! And Inchy!" Inchy supplied. The troll tried to pet the bird and nearly pressed Devina's head into her torso."Devi... and Inchy!" he said proudly. The Witch Doctor frog threw her hands up in disgust."Fine, Dev. And what's your name?" she asked with a snap. Rale opened his mouth but Devina turned her glowing eyes to him."You utter one name and I will ram that trident up your nose." she warned. Rale froze then wisely shut his mouth."Meat-tank!" Jack said quickly. Cois, rubbing his chin, looked like he was going to vote for that name.Delta turned to see the hole in the door both repairing itself and being opened with weapons. The ghosts brushed against her room, and Delta's Mana repelled their forms easy enough, but it was more effort than Delta wanted to spend every second of her time here."We are not naming him that!" she said and all eyes turned to her."In fairness, one does not simply name a sentient being. One merely suggests and sees what sticks. I suggest we try some names when we're secure and have a lovely vote where we duel each other and I blow you all up with prepared traps and win!" Jack said sagely from the top of the Troll."Jack?" Delta said calmly. The Kobold tilted his head."Hero, oh lovely lady of the Dungeon?" came the response."You are banned from naming anything, short of a complete disaster and a lack of structured command where me and Nu are both offline and every monster that came before you is mute... dead... or missing." Delta said pleasantly as she rolled her neck."But what about my pet bombs? They are so fleeting!" Jack gasped and the troll calmly plucked him from his shoulder as he held the Kobold up to his eyes to examine the scaled creature."You can name them as you start throwing them through that hole. I'm losing Mana from fending these buggers off. Devina, more spirits! Cois and Billy? I'll try to make some ports for you both to fire from. These two doors are the only thing keeping us safe and everyone, save Jack and the troll, is not at full power. I want to secure a command post to mine gas from and build more pylons!" she ordered, trying to use Nu as an inspiration to rope the chaos back on track.The troll focused and there was a horrid noise that made Delta's serious pose break as Devina gagged and Inchy fell down like a dead canary bird in a mine shaft as she fled. Jack looked like he was waving an empty flask around to bottle the stench and the goblins hooted madly with laughter as they tried to take positions to wage war."Found gas!" the troll offered.Delta swallowed back her first words then forced a smile."Thank you. I'm going to call you Jebediah. It fits more than I'd like to admit." Delta said. The troll frowned hard."Jebebe..." he tried."Jeb... Just go with Jeb." Delta said quickly and the troll looked pleased as punch."Jeb! Jeb the trolly! At Ma's service!" the troll roared in approval and saluted, sending Jack, who he had still been holding, flying through the air. The attack on the door paused for a second and as he stood there Delta finally got a proper look at the troll.Most of his skin looked soft on the inside of his arms and legs but his joints, fingers, and most of his shoulders looked to be covered in a grey, crusty, rock-like shell that acted like natural armour. His head and body had little to no neck between them which likely gave him a heck of an ability to use his thick skull as a battering ram if he could pick up enough speed.Delta turned to the menu showing info on Jebediah.