The ways we lost him(completed)

22

The sun shone brightly, vivid colours splashed across the courtyard as I walked over, to where Luka, Angie and Dean were standing. And surprisingly, Karma. He offered me a small, reassuring smile and with a sigh, we all went into the church.

I liked the way they had arranged the flowers, yellow poppies and sunflowers, they might not be the traditional thing to do but it was what Sebastian would of wanted, they made it feel a little more personal.

The service was what I had expected, I stood in the second row behind his mother, who stared straight ahead into the blinding light, her lips pursed tightly. Her makeup was impeccable, her brows arched to perfection, but I knew under that facade she was falling apart. I could tell, as I was also.

I trained my eyes on everything other than the casket as the priest spoke, in a high drawling voice, as if he were irritated by everything coming out of his mouth. I could see Dean over in the corner, his head hung down, his shoulders sagging. Everyone was dressed in black, like expected, it made the atmosphere unbearable, I could feel the grief adrift in the air, I choked on it, rocking back and forth on my heels.

Sebastian's mom moved to approach the alter, her eyes followed the length of the coffin as she passed. She stood on the podium and her confidence collapsed, as she looked over the crowd in silence. Seconds passed painfully slow, and I waited for her to speak, she seemed hesitant, I would be too, it seemed impossible to me to put Sebastian into words. He was more than that, he was made of feelings and emotions, more than dull words that would always fail to show them.

Mrs Goddard rested her hands upon the podium, curling around the mic as she finally addressed the crowd.

"I'd like to thank everyone here today, normally I would've written this kind of thing out. I did try, a couple times but nothing felt right so here I am, unable to form the words to tell you what an amazing person my son was; loving and compassionate. He cared, he cared so much, maybe too much sometimes, but that was what set him apart from everybody. We spend our entire lives terrified of relying on others and opening ourselves up, but Sebastian knew what it was like to be vulnerable, and from that he loved to extents I don't think I'll ever know. I regret not being able to tell him that I love him, regardless of what he is and who he loves. I regret that I didn't know he was in pain, I wish I could've helped him get through it and come out the other side, for so long I've been unwilling to acknowledge the finality of death, Sebastian was ripped away from us in a very cruel way. But I know he's happy now, call it mother's intuition." She smiled sadly, before taking her hands off the podium, pulling something from the pocket of her black suit. I realized on closer exception, it was a yellow button, it was so bright in contrast to the darkness in the room. She held it up, in her palm.

"Sebastian kept a yellow button, it was off his raincoat when he was six years old. I never understood why, he told me once because he wanted to keep a piece of who he once was, because he didn't want to forget that person. Imagine, he valued the thoughts of a six year old?" She let out a sad sigh, looking at the button even closer.

"I hadn't even planned to bring this up here, I had it in my pocket for support but I think I've realized what it is I wanted to say. He can't remember who he was, or who he is, or who he was going to become, so we will." She looked up, her eyes glazed over. Stray sunlight flooded the room, glinting off the tainted windows and basking the area in a golden light.

-/

I put my hand on top of the coffin, and silently said my goodbyes. It almost felt surreal, the final confirmation that I would no longer see this person, they were gone.

Luka stood behind me, wearing a pretty lace black dress, I saw when she put her hand on the coffin, she had painted her fingernails yellow. I smiled, and stepped down away from the coffin. I wasn't filled with an overbearing sense of grief, it had been coming for two months, which was a bit unusual, but I did feel a bittersweet sadness flood through me, a strange sense of detachment, like I was detaching myself from the idea of him being alive anymore.

My mom stood by my side, she put her hand on my shoulder and gently squeezed it, giving me a small smile. I knew with that, the worst was over.

He was buried in the graveyard by the church, beside a large meadow that ran for miles. It felt peaceful, birds chirped happily above our heads, unaware of the grief in our hearts, and I watched the coffin disappear into the dirt and become engulfed by nature.

I stood back, as I felt a hand on the small of my back. I turned, to see cherry red hair and a somber expression. It surprised me that Karma had come, but I felt thankful he had for some reason. I gave him a small smile, and he returned it, his glossy green eyes finding mine.

Mrs Goddard Came and spoke to us briefly, thanking us for coming before it was finally time to leave. The sunlight glazed down on the earth, and the dirt looked a sparkling gold beneath it. It reassured me as I turned away from it, but the image was imprinted in my mind.

-/

I made a quick stop for groceries on the way home, to the only little supermarket in our town. The sun was beginning to set, lighting the sky in a rusted orange.

I made my way down the aisles, to where they stored the bread at the very back. I turned the aisle and ran into a hard chest, stumbling back, I apologized.

"No it was my fault." I looked up, shocked to see Jaxon standing on front of me. His steely dark eyes watched me carefully as if I would try to run away. I backed up, before I noticed what he was wearing.

"Were you there?"

I was talking about his funeral, as Jaxon wore a black suit too, his hands wrapped about a jumbo bag of marshmallows.

Very slowly, he nodded. I didn't know how to reply, so I stood there limply, and an awkward silence ensued.

"Ironic, isn't it? Going to the funeral of the guy I killed." He laughed dryly, and I lifted my eyes to meet his. I was shocked, they were rimmed red, as if he were stopping himself from crying. His jaw was slacked, his shoulders sagging in defeat.

"Why did you do it?" I whispered faintly, not knowing if he'd hear me or not but he did.

"You wouldn't understand." He said back gingerly and my eyes snapped up to his.

"I know about the drugs, I know why you targeted him, I know all that. But why.
Why why why?"

He looked down, and I felt like I was pulling on a thread that was beginning to unravel, I had never seen Jaxon like this, so honest and vulnerable, he seemed utterly downtrodden.

"They're the morals I grew up with."

I glanced at him. "Are you going to die with them?"

His gaze turned impassive and he moved to get past me but I grabbed his arm, surprising even myself.

"Kids are going missing, one is already dead. You know why. I know you feel like you can't turn in your family but if they made you do something like this, or are still making you, that's not family."

I turned, walking past him towards the bread section. He stayed frozen for a few seconds before turning to walk away.