A Sky Full of Blue

*BONUS CHAPTER*

COLLEGE ROAD-TRIP

"Courage is fear holding on a minute longer." ~General George S. Patton

Listen to "What Am I" by Why Don't We.

Someone once told me that fear lets you know that you're alive. I wonder if that's true.

"You realize that you could've called me before you made a decision like this." Toby's voice is anything but calm; in fact, he sounds quite annoyed, even a little frustrated.

"If you want me to be more independent then I'm going to have to learn how to drive my car by myself." I hear his breathing over the phone, and I know, without a doubt, that he's angry.

Toby knows that I've always had a fear of driving alone. Of getting into a crash while driving alone. Basically anything bad, I've thought of it, and it has made me shy away from driving.

I can hear the shift of the phone as he slides it from one ear to the other.

"You know what to do if you get overwhelmed, right?" I tap my fingers over my thigh. Of course I do; I've been learning so much these past few months. I've had to learn a lot more now that Theo and Toby are away at college.

"I'll pull over on the side of the road and calm myself down." I can hear his forced sigh, hear the way he's pacing across his dorm room floor. I bet that he's even rubbing at the back of his neck as we speak.

"I just wish that you would've waited one more week. I would've been home for a few days, and I could've been closer to you if something happened." I stay silent. I know that he's right, but he's not going to be by my side all the time anymore. He's an adult. I'm almost an adult.

"I'm going to be fine," I mutter. I just have to believe in myself.

Theo doesn't know that I'm coming to see him. He doesn't know that I've been planning this visit for months now, practically since the day he left. I want to show him that I'm something worth keeping.

I have to admit, there have been plenty of times that jealousy has taken over me. I am all too familiar with the green-eyed monster, and it's not that pleasant.

I sigh, pinching the bridge of my nose.

"If I don't do this now, I know I'll find a way out of it." He stays silent for a little bit, and I can hear the chatter of his other classmates, or roommates as they converse.

"Just promise me that you're not going to drive at night." He yells over his shoulder to someone, and I can hear the strain in his voice. I wonder how he's really doing so far away from home. I hug myself, trying to hold everything in. I can combust when I am alone. Not when I'm about to take a three-hour car ride.

"I miss you Toby." I take a shuddery breath, and I know that he can hear me. He hesitates, then speaks. His voice is oddly cheerful, but it's fake. I know fake when I see it; I'm the master of it after all.

"Let me know what happens, and remember, you've got this. I'm one call away if you need me." We say our goodbyes and I continue to pack, checking the weather. It seems like a slate kind of day. Or, better yet, a pitch kind of day.

My carry on bag is stuffed to the brim, filled with Theo's sweatshirts and warm clothing for the weekend. I throw on a pair of my high top Converse, the black ones. Neutral, just like my mood.

My mother and father sit in the kitchen, and I can see them in heated conversation. I bet you it's about me.

They turn their heads when they see me coming, ending their disagreement. I offer a false smile, looking over to the TV instead of at them. I still have a hard time making eye contact sometimes.