School ReYOUnion

Chapter Twelve

"You okay, love?" Mum thoughtfully enquires. "You've not said much since we left Hetty's?" It's true, I haven't said much. That stinging regret, the detachment and the guilt—they have all coated themselves to every part of my insides.

"You know I love you, don't you, Mum?" Just tumbles out of my mouth while I am driving. There's no thought taken to actually saying it, I just suddenly felt compelled to say it.

Although a little taken aback, mum answers me with a maternal warmness. "Of course I know you love me...why would you ever think that I don't?"

I'm thinking about how I can articulate how I am feeling right now. For reasons unknown, I'm doubting myself. I'm doubting how I feel about certain things, and I just don't understand why. "I know I might not show that I care and that I love both you and dad, but I want you to know that I do."

Mum reaches for my hand that's resting on the gear stick. "We both know you love us, Rebecca."

Only then, do I take my eyes off the road, to just give my mother the daughterly smile that she so deserves. "I know I get busy. That I get too wrapped up in my work. I know I tend to keep my feelings to myself, but it's not because I don't want to let you in...it's just how I am." Even though I'm already back to fully concentrating on my driving, I've not yet finished explaining. "And I know I'm not a huggy kind of a person. I know you would like me to be more open and more affectionate with you, but again, it's just the way I am. My lack of hugs and openness, doesn't mean that I don't love you. It just means that I'm taking both you and dad for granted, and for that, I really am sorry."

Mum kind of chortles, with nervous worry more than anything else. "Where has all this come from, Rebecca? What's wrong?" I know she is looking at me. In the way that concerned mothers do tend to look at their daughters when they happen to be rambling on about something that makes absolutely no sense to them whatsoever.

The truth is, I don't really know why I am prattling on about all that I now am. It's not often I question myself; my thoughts, my feelings or my actions. But that baby shower, it has unsettled me a little. I felt like the only woman there who shouldn't have actually been there.

I'm not interested in babies.

I'm not interested in baby things.

And it made me feel unusually abnormal.

There is also something that Mitch said to me the other day, that has also made me question my relationship with my mother. "You should always be thankful for the love of your mother, Rebecca. You only get one, and she has chosen to love you for the rest of her life...be sure to always love her back." The way in which he had said that, was said with such carefree casualness at the time, that I hadn't given much thought to it until I had gone to bed later that night.

Myself and Mitch have talked about a lot of things during our brief thing together. It's all been very light and not too probing. Which suits me fine. The way things are developing between us seems to be relaxed and natural, not forced and hurried. But I have noticed that Mitch is far more comfortable talking about my family, than he is talking about his own. All I know at this stage, is that he has a father who lives in South Cerney, an older brother who lives in Cheltenham, and that his mother died when he was two. I know I could Google the shit out of him, but I promised myself that anything I need, or should ever want to know about Mitch, that I find out from Mitch himself.

I honestly don't think that he is trying to be vague about his family because he doesn't want to share it with me, I think he may just find it all a little hard to share with anyone. I'm no psychologist, but that is just the vibe that I'm picking up from him at this point. On that one occasion when he mentioned his father, brother and his mum, I think I saw a glimpse of sadness in his eyes. An untold sadness. But Mitch being Mitch, he blinked it right away and quickly got it out of sight. I never said anything. I didn't react to it, but I saw it, I know I did.

It's also the way in which he encourages me to be more mindful, more thankful, for both my parents; but especially more my mum. And you know what? He has made me feel more mindful and more thankful. Which in itself, means that Mitch himself is impacting on my life. That excites me, but it also scares me a little. I've always been a one-woman show. I make my own decisions. My own choices. Then Mitch Heston struts his A list ass into my life, and I'm suddenly finding myself listening to what he has to say. I'm willingly heeding his advice. I'm actually taking on board his thoughts and his feelings. Yeah, I'm finding that all scary as hell.

I've never listened to any man.

I've never cared what they thought.

But with Mitch, I listen and I care.

Maybe that's my problem.

Maybe I care for Mitch more than I am wanting to admit?

Maybe that is why I am questioning and doubting myself?

Maybe that is why I am feeling abnormal?

God, there's so many bloody maybes!!!

"Ignore me, Mum. It's been a tiring week, that's all...but I meant what I said...I love you."

Mum's shoulders rise with the happiness that my words have given to her. "And I love you. For all that you are, both me and your father couldn't be more proud." Then, her hand reaches for my arm so she can affectionately rub it. "You may not know it yet, Rebecca, but I really think that Mitch is good for you."

Breathing in an unsaid knowingness, I can only smile to what my mum has just said. Because deep down inside of me, I already know that Mitch is good for me. I know it's early days between us. I know that our thing might not even last. But it feels good to know that a man has finally managed to reach the untouched parts of my heart and soul. If it were all to end tomorrow, I'd forever know that I had the capacity to feel that again. I would forever have that fond and warm reminder of what Mitch unknowingly has already given to me.

It's not that I'm wanting things to ever end with us, but I'm a realistic woman—Mitch and I, we might not make it.

Distance.

Fame.

Lifestyle.

They all might be what finally ends us.

I guess, what will be, will be.

For now, I like him and he likes me.

I'm attracted to him and he's attracted to me.

None of that can ever be denied.

Mitch's voice, is becoming a voice that my heart is beginning to get very used to. His charm, it radiates a tenderness that has completely bowled me over. He is funny and engaging; both highly attractive qualities to me.

Yeah, you could say that Mitch Heston has finally charmed the geeky girl who never could stand the teenage sight of him.