Dreams or Reality?

Chapter 40: Uncontollable Emotions

CHAPTER 40: Uncontrollable Emotions

I sat on the ground, pretty much not thinking about anything. I'd spent as long as I possibly could tyring to think of ideas. Anything. But I ended up with nothing. I was staring through blank eyes at a spot on the walls, just outside of the torch light. The shadows shifted with the constantly changing flame of the torch.

Nothing, nothing, nothing.

My brain repeated the word sounding like a grandfather clock chiming the hour. I'd been so sure I'd think of something. Something ALWAYS gets thought of! But my mind remained blank of decent ideas, the fact that my arm was still handcuffed to the wall was proof that I was incompetent. I blocked my mind to Demetri, not wanting him to know how dark my thoughts were and how little I had accomplished.

In truth, I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs because I was scared. There was no point in denying it. I didn't know what had happened to my friends, I didn't know where I was, my twin sister was a phycopathic murderer out for revenge, Serquin wanted to drink my blood and basically rape me, my mother was dead, I was an anomaly to everyone because I could see into the past like no one before me could except Demetri but he didn't really count and I was stuck in this cell for who knows how long. I was terrified and I wanted to cry but not a tear fell. It seemed that I was so far gone the ability to cry had disappeared.

My wrist that was bound to the wall was bloody but most of the blood was dry. The hand itself was limp. I felt like my entire body was limp with exhaustion. My thoughts scurried around my head like mice and I wanted to stop it. I wanted this all to stop. My mood switched to anger but I still didn't move, I just let it bubble up inside me. Anger at myself. It was my fault my friends were wherever they were now. Anger at Serquin. Bastard, he deserved to die. Anger at Val. I-I just don't know anymore, she seemed like such a good person for so long and then it seemed to come out of the blue that she changed into this monster, bent on revenge but she must've been that all along. Anger at Demetri, it was misdirected but I felt it anyways. Nothing weird started happening until I met him. Logically, I knew it wasn't his fault and everything would've happened anyways but the human need to blame someone kicked in and the blame was on him.

The angry mood suddenly broke and with it, I broke. The tears that wouldn't come earlier arrived and ran down my face. I brought my knees to my chest and laid my head on them.

I didn't want to cry, but who ever does? The mood swings were driving me insane. A few minutes ago I'd wanted to let the emotion break free but as soon as it broke I wanted to rebuild the damn to keep it in. I couldn't deal with any of this. I couldn't deal with knowing nothing at times and fumbling in the dark and knowing everything at other times, forced to keep it hidden.

I was falling off that cliff again, but this time it was insanity that pushed me over.

The cell seemed to be closing in on me and I welcomed it. I wanted it to close so much I couldn't breathe or crush my body until the life was gone from it. I'd had enough, I'd welcome death now with open arms. I dug the nails of my free hand into my other arm, trying to use physical pain to get a grip on the emotional pain.

Blood flowed from the four cuts on my arm but nothing else happened. The emotional over-load would kill me soon if nothing else did.

I don't know what Serquin's plan originally was, but if he intended for me to lose the will to live, he succeeded. I didn't care anymore. My life, it didn't matter to me. I couldn't live like this but it seemed like this was the only reality I'd ever known and that everything else was dreams. Lost in the wind or on the horizon. Nothing would change.

Those escape plans and hopes of living up to my grandmother had vanished. I would die here. My friends would die here. I was a failure and it was my fault, everyone's deaths would be on my head. Forever.