Jason & Darius |Craving Yours| ✔

3.Hands & Lips

Darius Dixon

"Mason always took care of everyone around him," Jason said while scraping some questionable looking food onto the waiting plates.

"Yeah, Mason used to always make sure everyone was safe and comfortable before taking care of himself," I replied remembering how most of the time I had to strong-arm him into being just a little selfish.

Jason had started coming over every night and trying to cook for me. I appreciated the gesture but I didn't really need him to take over Mason's place. But Jason seemed to need a way to connect to his lost brother so I let him come over and I let him cook weird food that didn't go down easy.

Jason did not try to make conversation after that. He just took the plates to the breakfast nook and settled on the bench. He made himself comfortable then poured two glasses of juice. I silently followed him wondering when this had become routine. I had actually forgotten the feeling of living alone. It felt as if Jason was slowly filling in the gaps Mason was supposed to be in.

We ate in a somewhat communicable silence then after doing the dishes together. We made our way to the living room. The tv was already on some cooking channel. I remembered the host because it used to be Mason's favourite. Something I was now used to watching every night like routine.

Jason spread the blue blanket that he now kept close by over both our bodies taking care to tuck me inside. This was now some sort of end of the day, daily routine. It was so normal that it didn't strike me as odd when Jason pushed himself against me. Not even when Jason let his head rest on my shoulders lazily.

I just had to keep reminding a part of me that I was not replacing Mason with his twin brother. I was simply helping him grieve. Just like he was helping me nothing more. We were the last links to Mason that we both had. They were identical but this was not the way to go. And Mason's body was not cold yet so replacing him would be rude.

"I like this show," Jason said, still facing the TV with his head on my shoulder. He did not sound convincing.

"I know. We watch it every day." I said laughing softly. Hoping he didn't like it only because it reminded him of Mason.

"It helps me not think and decompress." He answered reminding me yet again that we had both just lost someone very special to us.

"We should go to a grief support group," I said absentmindedly.

"No." He answered simply. Then he proceeded to draw his knees to his chest and curl into my side just like a house cat.

I relaxed into the couch and let his warmth soak into me. I couldn't help but feel wrong for even letting Jason sleepover at my house the way he was. And yet here I was, sitting on the couch watching cooking shows and cuddling up with my dead boyfriend's twin brother. There had to be some weird moral law about this. The hole in my chest was there for a reason. I stood up abruptly causing Jason to momentarily fall on the couch startled.

"I am just...um...going to go to bed now. Sorry," I said walking out of the living room like someone was chasing me.

I walked briskly until I reached my bedroom. My heart was beating fast and it all didn't make sense. Jason was Mason's brother. Why was I not comfortable around him? We were friends or at least acquaintances. When Mason was still alive all three of us would go places and just chill. But now it seemed wrong and intense. That did not seem to make sense. Maybe I was just overthinking and overreacting.

I walked back to the living room confused.

"Hey, you don't think this is weird right?" I said facing Jason who was blinking at me like I was speaking a foreign language. "I mean us. Hanging out every night."

"Why would it be weird?" He asked his head slightly tilted like that was the most ridiculous question ever.

"Oh okay...never mind," I said, turning to leave.

"If you want me to leave you can always tell me?" He asked more than said.

I turned to face him once more" Uh no. It's not that...I like having someone here. Stay."

In my mind, I wanted to say I like having you here but that did not sound right. So once again I made my way to my bedroom mind reeling. A part of me felt like I should have kissed Jason goodnight on the forehead or in the very least said it.

And when I finally crawled into my bed that night I was very excited for the dreamless slumber I was about to get.