Jason & Darius |Craving Yours| ✔

31. Mad & World

Darius Dixon

It's always the things you can't control that act as a catalyst into your slow descent to Madness. Failing because you did something wrong is acceptable and sometimes understandable. Failing because the world is fighting against you is terrifying and disheartening. It's the little things that rob us of our faith. Strip us bare until it's just scrappy pieces of flesh barely clinging to our bones. And even then when you are down and have nothing else to give the world always comes and takes like a greedy leech, licking your bones clean and leaving you vulnerable to whatever comes next. And whatever comes next is never peace.

That's how I felt as I found myself sitting in my silently loud car. The loudest silence I had ever heard. Like the silence was trying to scream at me but I couldn't hear it. I gripped the edges of the steering wheel and rang it between my hands. This wasn't the end. 'This is not the end,' I chanted to myself like a mantra. Maybe if I said it enough times it would become true. Maybe if I closed my eyes and screamed the words into the silent night they would be true.

But deep down a part of me knew. A part of me knew this was it. My end. No last hurrah, no encore nothing. Just silence, loud, clear and suffocating silence. A reminder of how truly alone. I was. I let my hand pat the passenger seat blindly in the hopes of finding my discarded phone. And even as I patted the passenger seat I knew. I knew that nothing good would come from it. After all, when did anything nice ever happen to me.

I swiped across my screen and used my thumb to automatically press a sequence of movements that would no doubt connect me to a familiar comforting voice. The thought did cross my mind to contact Mason. Until that familiar cold wave of sadness washed over me, the same one that usually accompanied any memories of him I had. The same feeling that reminded me that lost priceless objects were always irreplaceable. I clicked the dial and placed my phone against my ear.

Jason's voicemail message was decidedly different from Mason's. And as soon as I heard the familiar gruff, 'It's Jason, Talk.'. My mind halted. What was I even going to say? I hung up and decided immediately that I wouldn't leave a message instead I would keep calling until he answered. That way I would have time to think of something to say.

Only Jason didn't pick up. The phone rang and rang and rang for a long time and nothing.

And just like that, the suffocating silence squeezed a little harder. My phone slipped between my fingers and dropped onto the mat under my feet. This was really it. 'Darius against the world' a pathetic one-man show. Funny how even though I grew up alone and I knew I was alone my whole life I had never felt as isolated as I did sitting in the front seat of my car parked by the side of what was supposed to be a busy road.

Even the road and atmosphere seemed to be trying to prove to me that there was no place for me in this world. No herd of my own. And now no family either. Carol would never see me as a brother after failing to find Ollie. I dropped my head onto the steering wheel's edge as I felt my thoughts rattle and bang against the edges of my brain. I had finally done it, proved that I really couldn't do much.

The sound of my thoughts thrashing in my mind was deafening and for a short while, I accepted it. This was my punishment if I suffered for not being able to bring my sister home then surely that was well deserved. I watched my hands through the slit between my eyelids as they trembled with poorly held emotions. My eyes were dry but that was probably because my body had given up on me a long time ago. Soon my mind, then all that would remain would be an empty shell.

The sound of someone tapping my glass brought me crashing back to the harsh reality of what was happening. I pushed my heavy body back against the seat and peered through the harsh light that was blinding me. The person let out a mumble that sounded like 'roll down your window.' So I did.

A police officer?? The last flicker within me roared to life at the prospect that they had found my sister. This was it. Life was going to prove me wrong after all and give me back my sister. The joy in me soared and for a split second blinded me that I couldn't hear what she was saying. She was looking at me with a puzzled look as she repeated whatever she was saying. My mind was failing to process the information because all I could imagine was Olivia sassing me as she walked up to me from behind the officer in my face.

"Where is she?"

"Who? Sir, you can't park here." The officer paused as she blinded me with her torch again. Then with a sterner expression, she asked, "Are you drunk?"

"Where is she?"

"Sir, Please step out of the car." The officer continued to spew out words that were not related to my sister.

"Where is she," I whispered one last time as I felt that roaring flame of joy work against me now. It was turning into an ugly flame of distraction as it ravaged me from the inside and destroyed the minuscule hope I was still holding on to.

"Sir? Sir." Walk in a straight line, please.

I did what she asked, body moving on autopilot this was it. This was how my life turned into a discarded carcase left to decay on the roadside or in the desert. Not even good enough to be eaten by the vultures. And they eat anything. Just that sad picture of what a person shouldn't be.

"Are you listening to me?" The officer said face drawing into focus again."I am taking you to the precinct with me. You can call a tow truck and someone to come and pick you up."

"I have no one," I mumbled as I pulled out my keys and picked up my phone. "No one."