stay with me

Chapter 5

Chapter 5:

Grey:

I wake up startled this is a common occurrence though so once I gain my bearings I realize I can't remember how I got home last night. How did I get home from the party to my bed? Then it all comes back to me and I remember Hunter had brought me home. I vaguely remember him carrying me up the stairs because I was too exhausted to walk. I guess only getting about four hours of sleep a night has finally begun to take its toll on me.

I must have fallen asleep before we even entered my apartment because I can't remember anything past him carrying me up the stairs. I feel slightly embarrassed and I hope I wasn't too much trouble. He barely knows me. It would be different if we were friends and he did that for me but we are practically strangers. If I ever see him again I'll have to remember to thank him.

I look over at the clock and see that it is only 5 in the morning. Looks like I woke up right on schedule. I roll my eyes at myself and my inability to sleep for more than four to five hours at a time. I'm still exhausted but I know I won't be able to fall back asleep so instead I just lie in my bed and stare at the ceiling. I decide to try and recollect all my memories from last night and thanks to my photographic memory I remember all of them or at least all of them until I fell asleep. I look down at my body and realize I'm still in my clothes from last night and I'm thankful. At least I know Hunter didn't try anything while I was unconscious. Not that I ever thought he would. There is something about him that makes me believe I can trust him.

I lie in my bed for a few more minutes and replay Hunter's and my conversation from last night at the party. I used to love going to parties but now I hate them. I feel so out of place and socially awkward and I also get anxious sometimes. I'm always nervous people will ask me a certain question and that it will trigger a memory of that night and that I'll freak out. It's happened before and it's not fun, but last night with Hunter I felt comfortable and at ease. I didn't feel like a freak with him I felt normal. I didn't feel like I had to try so hard to be like a regular girl with regular problems I felt like I could just be Grey. I even felt some of the old Grey coming through last night. I thought every part of her had died but maybe I was wrong maybe some of her is still locked away deep down inside.

I get up and go for my morning run eventually and since it's a Saturday there is practically no one out this early in the morning but I like it this way. It's peaceful. I run 6.5 miles today. I run until my lungs feel like they are going to burst and my legs can't carry me anymore. I run because it helps me to feel alive. The pain that I feel when I'm doing it reminds me that I'm still living as opposed to the usual numbness I feel throughout the rest of my day.

Running is my escape. I feel almost free when I'm doing it. Almost. I'm still weighted down by the unbearable pain of my loss. That is always with me and I guess it always will be. When I'm running though I can hear his voice telling me to push through the pain and I guess that's the main reason I run. I feel closer to him while I'm running. If I close my eyes it's almost like he's running right along beside me.

"Keep going Grey. You can do it" he says to me encouragingly. "This pain that you feel is nothing."

I feel a tear escape down my cheek as I hear his words. He's right it is nothing. It's nothing compared to the pain I feel from losing him.

It's about 6:30 by the time I get back to the apartment and Sam is still fast asleep in her room. I wonder what time she got home last night from the party. I forgot to text her that I was home since I passed out before I could do so and I wonder if she is going to be angry with me. It's alright I'll endure her wrath if I have to.

Once I shower I get dressed and make myself some breakfast and then I get started on some of the homework I have. I had a 4.0 last semester and I would like to keep that up. If I'm doing well in school my parents worry a little less about me. School is easy for me though it's everything else that's hard.