stay with me

Chapter 3

11 days later

Grey:

Another week has come and gone and I was happy when Sam didn't force me to go out this past weekend like she had the one before. That night when we went home she grilled me about what I was talking to Hunter about. I should have known she was watching me but I was hoping she wasn't. I tell her it was nothing but part of me feels like it's a lie. Part of me feels like for some reason it was so much more. I haven't seen him since and part of me is happy about that because I know I am no good to anyone. Not anymore.

It's Tuesday and I'm feeling tired after only sleeping four hours on and off last night and then going to the three classes and the three hour lab I had today. I also tutored for another two hours today. I used to love tutoring but now I just did it mainly to keep busy and distract myself from the agonizing thoughts that plague my mind daily.

I get back to my apartment and I go to my room and lie down on my bed and stare at the ceiling. I'm so tired but I know I won't be able to sleep. Not for long at least. Not without the nightmares. After the accident my parents sent me to a therapist and she suggested that I take these sleeping pills to help me sleep. They didn't work. Nothing did.

I decide to go take a bath instead of lying on my bed unable to sleep. I hope the hot water will help me relax even if it is just for a moment. Once I'm in the tub I close my eyes and let my mind run wild. I'm taken back in time but instead of being taken back to a time before the accident when everything made sense I'm taken back to just about two months after the accident.

I'm sitting in my bathroom back in my house at home and I'm holding the razor and staring at my wrist. I don't want to die because I promised him I would live but I want to know what he felt right before he died. He seemed so at peace. He didn't seem scared or in pain and I wanted to know if that's what death really felt like or if he was just being brave for me.

I take the blade and slide it over my wrist and I cringe at the pain but I don't cry. Not one tear escapes. I watch mesmerized as the blood spills from my wrist and I'm amazed at how much blood has come out of me and yet I'm still conscious. Still alive.

I sit there on my bathroom floor for what feels like hours just waiting to bleed out or feel that peace that I hope he felt before he died but it never comes. I do begin to feel lightheaded from the blood loss and I feel myself slipping into unconsciousness and I close my eyes and when I do I can almost see his face and I smile. I'm happy. For the first time since he died I feel happy because I think I'm going to die. I think I'm going to get to be with him again and just as I'm about to reach him I feel a pair of arms pulling me back to reality.

I open my eyes and I'm back to the present. My parents never really were the same after they found me that day but how could I blame them? Their daughter slit her own wrist in order to feel closer to her dead boyfriend. I never tried to hurt myself again after that day but I know everyone close to me still worried I would. I wouldn't though because I know the true reason I didn't die that day is because I have to fulfill my promise to him. My promise to live.

I get out of the tub and when I come out of the bathroom I find Sam sitting in my room on my bed. "Hey" I say.

"Hey get dressed we are going out to eat" she says to me and I can see that she has already picked out an outfit for me.

"Sam I'm really exhausted. Can I just stay here?" I ask but I know it's useless. I know she isn't going to let me stay here alone but it was worth a try.

"You do look tired" she says to me. "Have you been having trouble sleeping?" she asks and I can tell she is really concerned.

"Yea" I say simply my voice filled with despair. She doesn't ask why because she knows it's due to the nightmares. I'm surprised she doesn't hear me wake up screaming most nights.