stay with me

Chapter 32

Hunter:

Holy shit. Grey just told me everything. Now I know why she seemed so sad when I met her. She lost someone she loved. Not only did she lose him but she watched him die. I knew what that was like and how it could fuck a person up. I don't know what to say to her now. I don't know how to make this better no matter how much I wish I could.

I'm trying to process all this information but it's nearly impossible. Now I know why she slit her wrist and how she pays for this apartment. Now I know how she got her scar and why she gave up all the things she loved. Now I know why it's hard for her to go home. Now I know everything. She was engaged. Maybe it was only for an hour but she had agreed to spend the rest of her life with this person. That was a pretty big fucking deal. She had her future planned out and it was ripped away from her. I knew what that was like too. There weren't enough words to describe what that was like. It was gut wrenching, damaging, and crippling.

When she said his name I think my heart stopped. Jason. That was the name she mumbled in her sleep the first night I brought her back here. I always wondered if he was the one who had made her so sad but I figured he just broke her heart. I didn't think he died. When I think about how some asshole hit them and then left them in the road it makes my blood boil. She had to have been so scared. Now I know why she gets that sad faraway look in her eyes sometimes. She's probably thinking about him or the accident or both.

"God Grey" I finally say as I exhale.

"You don't have to say anything" she tells me quietly. "I know it's a lot to take in."

I look over at her and I think about how detached she sounded when she told me about her past. I guess she had to be in order to get through that. I'm surprised she hasn't cried yet. I would have. I want to hold her and tell her everything is going to be okay but that's a load of shit. She'll never truly be okay again. I knew what that was like. She was so damn strong.

"I'm so sorry" I tell her as I pull her to me and hold her tightly against my side. "I know those words will never bring him back but I am sorry for what happened and for all that you've been through."

"Thanks" she sniffs.

I know right now is probably the time when I should tell her about Jess and how I understand what it's like to lose someone, but I can't. Grey was innocent in what happened to her. She was a passenger who was hit by some asshole who was driving too fast. She wasn't driving. She wasn't responsible for Jason's death. How could I tell her that I was the reason Jess, Courtney and Kurt are dead. She'd never forgive me. When I think about her looking at me with hate and disappointment in her eyes it breaks my heart. I can't have her look at me like that. I need her to look at me like she does now, like I'm someone worthy of her, like she trusts me. She'd never trust me again once she knew the truth. But I could I just lie to her forever? No, I couldn't. I love her. I love her so god damn much it hurts. I'd do anything for her and as much as the thought kills me I think I need to walk away from her. Not just to save myself but to save her. She deserves someone better. Someone she could be proud of not some loser like me. She deserved someone who would protect her not someone who was poison and would most likely be her downfall. Finding out the truth would break her and I couldn't do that to her. If I just walked away she'd be able to move on again one day. It's not like she was in love with me. Its best I end it now before her feelings grew stronger.

I stay with her for the rest of the night though. I enjoy every last moment that I get to spend with her. I do whatever I can to make her smile and to hear her giggle. I want my last memories of her to be happy ones. When she kisses me I savor every last one knowing I'll never feel this way again. Once I walk away I know that this feeling of being alive will go away and once again I'll be dead inside but I push that thought away and enjoy the last goodnight of my life. I try to memorize everything about her. The way her hair falls messily around her shoulders past the middle of her back in those gorgeous lose curls. The way she rolls her eyes at me when she knows I'm right. The way her beautiful big blue eyes shine and how incredible her smile is. I memorize the way her perfect porcelain skin feels under my touch and how I can make her shiver when I get close to her. I memorize everything. I'll never forget her and how she was able to make me feel like a person again, how she made me want to be better. I'll never forget how she was able to make me fall in love again. I'll remember and love her forever.

Eventually she falls asleep in my arms while we are lying on the couch watching a movie. I carry her to her bed and lie down with her and hold her for a few more moments before I kiss her on the forehead one last time. It takes everything in me to walk away from her but I remind myself that I'm doing this for her. Once I'm out of her apartment I do something I haven't done since I lost Jess. I cry.