stay with me

Chapter 8

Grey:

After Hunter leaves me sitting on the couch I don't get up right away. I sit there alone for a long time unable to move. What was the hell was I doing? I was getting too close to Hunter and I knew better than to do something like that. He deserved better. He deserved someone who was alive and not just living day to day because of a promise she made to someone who died. When Hunter asked me what happened to me to make me so sad a part of me wanted to tell him but I realized I couldn't. I could never lay my burden on anyone else. It was mine alone to carry. Besides how could anyone care about someone who is as broken as I am? What kind of life could I offer someone?

I realized today that I do care for Hunter in a way. I'm just not sure how much or what to do about it. He's gorgeous and sweet and he has been able to make me feel things I haven't felt in a long time but I could never be with him. It wouldn't be fair since I know I will never love anyone the way I loved Jason. It would be best if I just let him go. A clean break. Nothing has happened yet so it should be easy I mean we aren't really even friends. I should just let him go and let him live out his life far away from me because I will never be good for anyone ever again.

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It's been four days since I last saw Hunter and I remind myself it's for the best that I don't see him anymore. Sam tried to get me to go out with her last night but like usual I declined. I didn't want to risk running into Hunter at any of the bars anyway. Instead I stayed in by myself and ordered in food and watched stupid trashy TV. I was tempted to pull out the box beneath my bed and look at all the old photos and drawings and other old memories but I forced myself not to. I was only torturing myself when I did that.

It didn't matter though I was still haunted by memories at every turn and in my dreams. I woke in tears this morning as I jolted awake from the nightmare I was having. I was right at the part where I lose him forever and there is nothing I can ever do to save him. No matter how badly I wish I could.

Once I stopped crying and shaking I looked to see what time it was and it was only 4:30 am. So as per usual I got up and went for my morning run. The air is cold as I step outside and it causes me to shiver. It's the beginning of October and fall is setting in. I used to love the fall and how beautiful it is when all the leaves change. Two years ago I would have been sitting outside every chance I could get with my sketch pad drawing the beautiful landscape but I couldn't anymore. Things were less beautiful when you lost the only thing that ever truly meant anything in your life when you lost your reason for getting up in the morning.

I begin to run and as I do I feel my body begin to warm up and it feels good but the air is still cold when I breathe it into my lungs but I like the pain. Like Jason used to say pain is just a reminder that you are alive. I guess the truth of it also was that I was in emotional pain everyday so now physical pain was a welcomed distraction from the constant pain I felt in my heart.

No one is awake at this hour so I don't have to worry about cars as I cross the street or running into anyone on the sidewalk so I close my eyes for a few moments as I'm running and I soak in the pain I'm feeling in my muscles and lungs. As I'm doing that I allow myself to slip into the past of a good memory with Jason.

It's the fall of our senior year and we are walking together through one of the parks in our town. We are talking about where we want to go to college next year together. We had talked about this on multiple different occasions but since we were in the process of sending out our applications it was becoming much more real or at least for me it was. I was stressing about what if we both didn't get into Harvard or one of the many other colleges we were applying to together. I was afraid of not being with him for the next four years but he wasn't nearly as stressed as I was which was just making me stress more.