Deviant

thirteen

~ The truth ~

Jungkook's pov

I left her there as I shut the door with a thud. I leaned against it and cursed under my breath.
I am tired of trying to get closer. The more she pushes me away, the more it becomes painful.

His father: "When you love someone, you are just doing it. Only that way you can understand how much someone wants you. "

.

Jin: " I love you, baby boy. Of course, I want you. "

.

Jennie: "She doesn't want you. Why wouldn't you be with someone that truly does? "

I closed my eyes and clenched my fists.

I give up. I can't force her to want me. She doesn't love me anymore. Her body's reaction to my touch fooled me. I thought she wanted me as much as I did.

I tried to seem confident and made it seem like I knew what I was doing. But the truth was that I was scared. I had no idea where it would bring me. The idea of having her, of touching her... It's terrifying.

I was so scared. Scared that she would be disappointed.
Scared that I wasn't enough.
And scared of giving myself entirely to her.

It was the first time when I actually wanted someone.

But she didn't want me. She pushed me away every single time I tried... So easily. And I was dying to feel her more.

Why? I wasn't doing anything wrong. It's just sex. It's normal. With them it is nothing. Why can't she understand? I can't stop this. I need to... hurt them.

It became painful to breathe. The hole in my chest started to spread everywhere inside of me.
She really doesn't want me anymore.

What am I doing?

How did I become like this?

After such a long time, I finally build up my courage and approached her. I pushed my fears away and the disgust I feel towards myself. As well, as the feeling of inferiority, I have around her every time, ever since the first day. All along I was aware that I am not good enough for her and that anyone else would be better for her. Way better than me.

But when I saw Mingyu holding her hand in that way, when I thought that she gave her love to someone else and I lost her forever...I was so scared. I was afraid she would stop looking at me. And I...I wanted to take her away from him, even by force, and make her mine. The desperation took over my judgment.

I even let her... Remembering how I begged her to caress me and kiss me, I bit my lip until blood started sipping down my chin. To actually let someone take the lead and be on top of me... It was frightening. For a moment there, they came into my mind as well how they forcefully and painfully took my body and made it theirs. But that fear was there just for a moment because it was her, I tried to relax even when my heart was full of fear.

Ah... What I have become because of you?

Since when am I forcing myself on someone?

It was the right choice I made back then. I should have never woken up. I knew that these new feelings would be the end of me.

I can't believe that I said those words to her. Since when I am saying 'I love you' to someone? Ah... So stupid. So pitiful.

Have you forgotten how they see you, Jungkook? Who would... Who would want you for real after... After they took everything from you? After you remained with nothing to offer.