Rewrite the Stars (bxb)

Chapter 44 Depression is Comfy

The parents are gone on their "vacation," so it's just Collin, Cody, and I at the house. I saw Collin for a little bit yesterday, but he didn't say anything to me. We're not exactly on the best terms. Before I left, he and I got into an argument. It's been so long that I've forgotten what it was about, but I do remember him saying that he never wants to have a relationship with me. So I've respected his wishes. I don't pry or push when he's here, and when he ignores me, I don't let it get to me. Whatever he thinks I did, I can't change his opinions on it.

I also think that everything in his life is changing, so if this is his way of having control over what happens in his life, then so be it. I'd rather be the bad guy and have him happy than be the hero and have him sad.

Because of our strained relationship, he's been in his room for more time than outside of it, so it's just Cody and I on the couch in the living room. Psych is playing on the TV, but Cody is painting, and I'm only half paying attention.

I feel so stretched apart that I can't focus on any one thing.

My heart hasn't stopped hurting since getting back, and nothing I do calms the pain at all. The people I care about the most are gone, and I'll never see them again. The only space in this house I feel somewhat safe is destroyed and will never be the same. My childhood is gone without my permission. My parents hate me—are disgusted with me. Collin won't even look at me. I have to go to school without anyone. The only person who even talks to me is Cody. Which is weird in itself because for our entire lives, we have never gotten along. Mom says it's because we're both the middle children, so we fight for the superior middle child. I think it's because Cody used to get me in trouble when we were younger, and he used to copy everything I did to the point where it annoyed the fuck out of me. I also think it's because he's mom's favourite child.

Whatever it is, we've never gotten along, but something changed after Colton left. I remember Cody and I watching Titanic the night after he left, just the two of us, and we sat there and cried at the end. Like, full body crying with snot and tissues and hiccups. To make ourselves stop crying, we started making fun of Jack and Rose.

"I'll never let go, Rose!" Cody says, grabbing onto my arm.

"Yeah, sorry, Jack," I say, ripping his hand off of my arm. "Time for you to die."

He sinks off the couch onto the floor and dies.

Ever since then, we've had this bond forming that I'm glad hasn't deteriorated since I left.

I glance at Cody, focused on his painting. He doesn't know it, but he's the only reason I'm still moving forward with life.

But, then again, he's not Peter or Sam or Dev or Lincoln or Orion or Jax. I never realized I could miss somebody as much as I do them. I've moved my entire life, always leaving my friends behind, but I've never missed people. It's easier to let go than hold onto them and be sad, but I don't want to let them go. For as short of a time I've been with them, they are the only ones who actually listened to me and saw me for who I am and not someone who has all these responsibilities. I never needed to use my list of unspoken rules like I have to do here. There was no pressure, and for once, I actually wanted to get out of bed in the mornings.

Here, I struggle getting out of bed and wanting to do anything. Nothing I used to do makes me happy anymore. I love Psych, the show playing on the TV right now, but even it isn't making me smile like it always does. I don't even have the energy to sing the intro song. The jokes don't make me laugh, and honestly, I kind of just want to turn it off. (The only reason I don't is that Cody has the remote, and it's too much work to get it from him.) I'm more depressed than I've ever been. It's not even a depressing feeling. It's just a feeling of wanting to do nothing. No motivation for anything. No love for anything that you used to. I haven't played Animal Crossing in forever, and I used to play every day. I tried reading a book, but nothing could grab my attention. And it's more than that. I just have this feeling in my stomach all the time. It's heavy, and it just sits there. Nothing I do will make it go away. It feels like it's sucking everything good out of me, and there's nothing I can do to stop it or forget about it. I used to watch movies or read when something bad happened, so I could go somewhere else and forget it. But nothing captures my attention long enough to forget. And if something does, then the next second, something else happens that reminds me of the thing I was trying to forget. It won't leave my mind.