the book tour

♥︎ 𝑐ℎ𝑎𝑝𝑡𝑒𝑟 𝑡𝑤𝑒𝑛𝑡𝑦 𝑡ℎ𝑟𝑒𝑒

°˖✧✿✧˖° lia °˖✧✿✧˖°

As much as Kennedy didn't want me to, I cancelled the rest of my shows in England and we headed back put to Scotland as soon as we could. I loved my baby girl and it was what she needed. She wouldn't come out of her headspace and that was hard. I wanted to talk to her and let her get her anger and frustration and grief out in a healthy way but I couldn't address it when she was small. Not this small. 
"Is she okay ?" Blair asked me, helping me put a bottle in her travel bag. She was currently curled up in my chest, fast asleep. She had hardly left my side since she realised I had found out. 
"I think so, I just want to get her home," I sighed. Blair and Addie had been nothing but helpful the last few days. They were coming home with us but then staying back in their house. I wasn't sure where Kennedy was staying yet- with me or at home with Annie but I didn't mind, either way, she was welcome with me- as is Annie. 
I had spoken to Annie quite a lot over the last few days in order to make sure she was doing okay. She was holding her father's body in a funeral home near her and then when Kennedy and I get there, we were going to hold a small funeral ceremony and wake to help. They didn't have much family, nobody else to really invite or tell which was bittersweet in a way. Although now they just had each other, their bond was as strong as anything. Annie was struggling, she wasn't sleeping and honestly, she just wanted her little sister. 
I wasn't sure why Ken had been so little over the last few days. Obviously, I knew that her dad had passed and the emotions are so unbelievably strong. I'd never lost someone so I couldn't even compare the pain she is feeling. It hurt me to see her sad little eyes, they were so empty. My guess on her headspace was that she no longer felt safe. Her dad took her away from the most toxic environment she knew- he gave her a new life and hundreds of incredible opportunities she never would have gotten with staying with her mum and stepdad so now that he's gone... Although she hasn't lived with him in a long while and in essence, she lost his support from Alzheimer's, he was still alive. She still believed he'd be there to help when she needed it and to an extent, on his healthy days, he was. Now, she's never going to get that again and that is so hard. 

"Are you ready to go?" Addie asked, coming out of the bathroom. 
"Yeah," I told her, standing up. I was carrying Ken bridal style and I had no intentions of letting her go. Even in the car. 

I set her down in the seat next to me and Addie helped me get her seat belt on. She was still fast asleep after the sleepless night she had yesterday. I got my own belt on and then let her slide back into my arms. It was a bit uncomfortable for me with the belt but I didn't mind at all. 

A few hours in and Kennedy woke up, gasping for air. Instantly she saw me and grabbed hold of me. I held her close, playing with her hair and comforting her as much as I could. When she was relatively calm, Blair reached across the seats tenderly, holding out a teddy. 
"I got dis for you in the last stop," she whispered. When we stopped last, Kennedy was still fast asleep so I went in for a wee with Blair as Addie was okay and then Blair saw it. It was a tiny JellyCat lamb and it was white and soft and Blair immediately wanted to get it for Kennedy. I obviously allowed her to. She got herself one also. 
"What it?" Kennedy asked, taking it. 
"It lamb cus woo ittwe wamb," Blair giggled and blushed. Kennedy let out a little smile and rubbed the fur across her cheek. 
"Tank 'ou," she muttered, snuggling back into me. "'Ook ma." She held it up and showed me, smiling slightly. 
"It's as cute as you," I smiled and booped her nose. She snuggled into my chest and I knew what she wanted. I leaned my seat back a little and got out my boob for her. She was hungry because she instantly latched on, drinking up. Addie smiled at me and I smiled back, running my hand through Kennedy's hair. 

Three days later and we stood around a grave. Kennedy stood in the middle, Annie at one side, holding her hand and me at the other. Both of them were crying and it was hard for me not to. My little's hand was trembling and I could see her shoulders shaking as her father was steadied into the ground. I let go of her hand and put an arm around her shoulder, she instantly put her head in my neck, getting closer to me. She stayed hold of Annie's hand and I rubbed Annie's arm too. It wasn't long until the three of us were in a huddle, cuddled together. Kennedy was sobbing, heavily and Annie wasn't far behind. I couldn't do anything but love them. The cemetery workers set the coffin into the grave. When they first threw the dirt on, you could hear the earth scattering across the wood and I knew it would be a sound I would hear forever.

Ken broke away from us then, dropping to her knees by the hole. 
"Daddy," she whispered in her coarse, worn-out voice. She reached a trembling hand out to the coffin but the men threw more earth on top of it. She was letting out these awful cries, cries of someone truly heartbroken. I went to kneel beside her but Annie grabbed me, holding my hand. She shook her head and I knew what I needed to let Ken do- let it out. 

Half an hour later, we sat around the coffee table at my house all with cups in our hands. Kennedy was young, not too young but not in her normal headspace. She was hurting and distant and it was breaking my heart in half. We were all silent until Annie's cries broke it. I moved from my spot next to Kennedy and sat beside Annie. I took her drink off her, setting it on the table and pulling her into my arms. I held her as tight as I could as she cried and soon, Kennedy joined, curling up at Annie's feet, putting her head on her sister's lap. 
"Oh Kenny," Annie cried, holding her sister's head and kissing it, over and over again.

I'd never, ever seen so much heartbreak and it was slowly killing me.