Architect and Mrs Dantata

26: AMAL

Sadiyah and I sit on both sides of the dining table. Mama is somewhere in the house with Zayn. From time to time, we hear his loud and hearty laugh. It's painful and beautiful at the same time.

In front of me, Sadiyah sighs. She puts her hands on the table. "I think the last time we were this awkward around each other, it was the day Imran introduced me as the woman he was dating."

I smile a little at the memory. "Dinner that day was so tense until you mentioned that you watch Scandal which was a big favourite in this house."

"Then we found out that we liked similar stuff and that the age gap between us was just mere numbers because we acted so alike."

I nod. "Then you got married to Kawu Imran."

"And you were a bridesmaid of mine."

"When we took you to Kaduna and everyone was so smitten. Don't get me started on Grandma Inayah." I roll my eyes. "She was the worst."

Sadiyah laughs. "It was the best thing..." Her expression changes slowly. "And then I got pregnant for Zayn."

I nod once. "Then you got pregnant with Zayn...And we nearly lost you."

"And you got scarred."

"I did."

None of us speaks until a minute passes. Sadiyah exhales slowly. "How long have you and Zayd been in this situation?"

"A month. Maybe more now." I shrug. "We spoke earlier today though. Around 3AM."

That interests her. "And are you guys better?"

"No." We're even worse. "He sent a text before I broke down yesterday and came clean to Mama, Baba and Mahmud. I didn't reply him. When I was going to reply your messages, he sent new ones. He thought I had his number blocked before he realized I didn't and that I was reading his messages. I called him without thinking much of it and before I could end the call, he picked up."

"I'm sorry, Amal."

"The call didn't really do much for us though. I think it only made it clear that there's still so much to think about." A middle ground especially. "All this time, I slowly accepted the gravity of our situation and I likened it to being on the edge of a cliff. I've known that we either save our relationship or we end up going separate ways but my mind doesn't want to get the memo that we need to come up with a solution if we want this to work."

"Oh Amal."

My tears return and I waste no time in wiping them away. "I know I said I don't want to birth kids and that's all I can focus on. This morning he asked if I would be willing to consider adoption and I couldn't give him an answer. I don't know what I want. I don't know what I don't want. I'm not even sure I want to keep that promise anymore. Wallahi I'm just tired. All I know is that all of this is my fault but..." I sniffle. "I can't even believe anyone that says it isn't. And then Zayd's still being the best person."

Sadiyah reaches across the table to take my hand in both of hers. There are tears in her eyes. "I'm really sorry, Amal. I'm sorry you being there for me when I went into labour caused all this."

"It's not your fault."

"It kind of is."

What is she even going on about? "Why do you even say that? Now that I think of it, why is everyone saying I should listen to what you have to say? What's there that I don't know about? I was with you that night, Sadiyah, and –"

"When they told me I was pregnant with Zayn, the doctors told Imran and I there was a high chance our baby wasn't going to make it. I didn't tell this to anyone until after I regained consciousness. You were already in Stanford then and when I called you so you could be rest assured that I'm okay, I couldn't bring myself to tell you that piece of information. You were over the moon, Amal, and I didn't want to change that."