Choosing to say out of the Alliance, the Cinders are isolated in their own conflicts, and when Helia Cinder reaches to the void for answers, she inadvertently draws a creature out. Expecting to be eaten alive, she is instead left with a man with no...
Rivin Sol is great with Agni and Alev. I have never seen a vampire so gentle with children, but he takes such good care of them that they flock to him as much as they do me. It helps sometimes when I need a break. I'm still suffering from the loss of Helia, and it's hard to lie down to sleep without Pyre by my side. The boys keep me tired enough that I don't find much spare time for the depression to sink in, but in those quiet moments when they sleep and I have yet to join them, it eats away at me. Rivin has noticed, but he says nothing, merely sits at my side when I'm sinking into a despair he can never understand.
No man can.
To carry life within the body, to bring them forth through pain and love, and to hold them in shaking hands and without breath enough to even stay awake. It forms an unbreakable connection, one that I severed the moment I chose Agni and Alev over Helia. Every day I wonder if Pyre is feeding her enough, carrying her right, and giving her enough attention, even though I know my mate was wonderful with my first born. Horus was a trial though, crying frequently and quite needy for my attention. I hope Helia doesn't cry too much from the loss of her mother.
The boys develop in a month as fast as a human would in a year, and each moment reminds me that my baby is still so small and vulnerable. They used to share my bed as smaller boys, but they've gotten so big that they have their own room in the small adobe we now share together. The village is mostly abandoned so it is just us and a few nomads who provide Agni with blood. It makes the night so silent and deafening as I lay alone in my bed, the boys slumbering a wall away. I have stopped sleeping, spending most nights weeping so that Agni and Alev don't suffer my grief in their waking hours.
Journal Entry 4:
Rivin came to me the night before last.
I was so lost in my nightmares that I didn't realize how loud I was crying out in my sleep. The man scared me near to death, leaning over me in the dark with his red eyes glowing just above, but his finger on my lips reminded me that the boys were in the other room. I'd almost woken them, but Rivin told me with a shake of his head that they were still asleep.
I sat there for a while in silence, my head bowed to the sheets and unable to catch my breath. It could have been minutes or hours. I do not know. Time has been skipping for me, sometimes my eyes drifting off until I have forgotten that I am playing with the boys. I find both of them at my feet, staring up at me with question, and I don't know what to tell them. That I am grieving for the child I left behind in order that they might live. That is too much for boys to know, so I merely tell them I'm tired and play more energetically for them. That excuse isn't convincing them much as they grow bigger, and in the dark, I wonder if I might just fade away.
Last night, a cool hand touched my face, and I turned to Riven sitting on the bed next to me, his glowing eyes peering deeply into mine. I didn't know what to say to him, but I understood the way his hand was pulling my body closer and closing the gap between us. I let Rivin hold me, touch me, and soothe me through my suffering, and when he laid me down on the bed and brought his lips to mine, I did not deny him.
Rivin was quite gentle with me, warming his cool skin to mine before he ran his fingers over near all of my skin. Stroking, massaging, easing my pain and distracting me with the promise of something I had not felt in ages. Pleasure. In using all the time to look after the boy's, I'd neglected who would look after me, but Rivin had not. Each day, he'd watched, waited, keeping the distance I wanted but knowing I needed more. I needed touch, comfort, relief, and he'd offered all of it as he removed the mage robes I'd so stubbornly clung to all these months.
Bare below him, I felt shame knowing what it would do to Pyre, but I could not continue on and care for the needs of another when I myself was withering. Rivin touched me softly, carefully, testing to make sure I wasn't afraid, but he kissed hungrily, like any dark creature. His lips on mine possessed me, claiming me as his as he slid his hand down my thighs and opened my legs like a gift wrapped just for him.
I have felt love in my life, the purest form with Pyre, but I had never felt such passion. Rivin was no mage, and he took me like I was the most beautiful woman alive, desperate to be inside of me and serving my every desire. His fingers pressed and caressed between my legs, his lips and fangs kneaded me like dough, and when I was ready, he dropped my body straight into the oven to rise. Rivin took me with urgency and power, filling and completing me as my sweat slicked his skin and his mouth tasted mine. I held him closer, needed him deeper, until he filled me with pleasure like I'd never felt in my life.
The surge of dark magic was so powerful that it soaked into my body and dropped it into the bed like it was weighing me down. All while Rivin's body lay against mine, my hips locked up on his as he held us together, and his fangs sunk deep into my throat, drinking me like fine wine. When we separated and I fell onto the bed, I couldn't catch my breath, not until Rivin wrapped me in his arms, shoved my face into his chest, and held me for the first peaceful sleep I'd had in months.
I'm so sorry, Pyre.
Journal Entry 5:
Life has gotten better since I've allowed Rivin close. I was isolated without him, and he has offered much needed support through my emotional hardships. Having a hand to squeeze when I'm feeling overwhelmed and a shoulder to lean on when the boys run me into exhaustion was what I needed to have the energy to face my grief. It helps that Rivin is not interested in any sort of emotional commitment. What we share is mere physical comfort, and while he cares for me, he doesn't love me. I see it in Rivin's eyes, the wild untamable soul of a man and a creature of the night who is not one for settling down in any respect.
My heart belongs to another who will never forgive me for what I've done just to get by.
Helia will be safe without me. As an heiress to a powerful line, she will have the entire Cinder family caring for her, raising her, and showing her the path to becoming strong. It's not a mother, but it's a life. I have to accept that in exchange for giving Agni and Alev a fraction of that. They will live in hiding, fearing others knowing what they truly are, and I do not know how to prepare them for that. It will be near impossible for them to find love, that of friends or of a mate, unable to bare their souls to another without the threat of mortal danger.
It is my hope that Rivin's gentleness and my love will teach them to live without violence, but only time can tell who they will become. The blood of the Cinders flows within their veins, and my people are not known for their patience and prudence. Neither are creatures of the dark.
Journal Entry 6:
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