Sanity

Chapter Thirteen: Juxtaposition Part Two

I walked the halls searching for him, but he wasn't in the building anymore. I walked the east end of the school and into the stairwell. There was an exit that Mitch and I knew well. Many of our friends used it to ditch.

I looked behind me before sneaking out the door. Sure enough I found Mitch sitting in an in cove in the side of the building where the meters were. It was blocked off from passersby and a great place to hide out. His dark eyes looked up at me pleading.

"Mitch, I'm sorry." I said at a loss for the right words.

"Sammy, it isn't your fault." He looked at the ground as we stood in awkward silence. "I love you, Sammy, I felt it even more when you were gone." He paused. "And I know you don't feel the same way. It's okay. I just..." He started to tear up again. "I just can't tell you how much I missed you Sam."

I closed the space between us and wrapped my arms around him. I felt him let out a deep sigh as he hugged me tight. I laid my head on his chest. In this time when my friend needed me most, the boy who loved me, all I could think about were Brett's arms around me, the sound of his heart beat, and the rise and fall of his chest with each breath. I let go even though I knew Mitch didn't want me to.

"I'm sorry. I wish we could go back. It's just when you," I didn't want to say it; I didn't want him to know, but I had to. "It's just it makes me think of him." I looked at the ground.

"I wish I could be him for you."

"No, Mitch. I don't want you to be someone else. It is just going to take time. Someday I might be able to get past this to see how I feel about you, but right now..." I didn't know how to explain the wall that I felt in my mind. I loved Brett, still, and that kept me from feeling anything for anyone else.

"I get it. When you sent me that letter, I tried Sammy, to get over you, to do what you said, but all I could think of was you. You love him, so you can't love me."

"I'm sorry, I know how stupid it sounds, loving someone that doesn't exist."

"Don't apologies Sammy. It isn't stupid, to you he was everything I get that. I can wait. I have been." He looked at the ground.

Mitch was still the same weird, nervous guy. He hated closeness, he was awkward, and if he told you his feeling he meant it because it took all his courage to say them. We sat there a bit longer before going back inside the school. We walked down the hall as I joked and laughed with him like old time. I almost felt normal again, but Brett was still on my mind.

***

Each of my friends had stopped by at least once since I came back to school, but none of them stuck around for long. We were different people and sure they cared for me, but it wasn't the same; we all knew that.

Eventually the only ones that still came by were Wit and Mitch. Wit tried; she really did, but it seemed everything we had talked about before was a touchy subject: drugs, boys, parties, etc. so often times we just did homework and listened to music because there was nothing to talk about.

Mitch on the other hand talked about everything he could think of trying to get my mind off Brett, but our talks never got us anywhere. I realized he really was a good friend, but I couldn't get past this feeling that I was using him. He loved me and would do anything for me, but I just wanted Brett.

My dad was getting a little better. He could at least talk to me even if it was about the weather and school, and that made my mom happy. She kept near me, and honestly I couldn't ever remember a time where my mom and I were this close. I couldn't imagine a life without her whereas before she was simply someone I avoided.

Finally my doctor told us that I could be left alone for short times again. After almost three months of being monitored first at the hospital and then at home, I was ready for a bit of alone time. I had been back to school for almost a month, and so my parents and doctor decided I could ride the bus. For now my alone time would consist of walking to and from the bus stop, but I would take that.