LGBT+ True Coming Out Stories

Not Ready Yet

Sexuality: bisexual
Gender: female
Age: 15

As a kid and throughout growing up, I never really understood the concept of being gay. I don't mean that in a bad way, like I wasn't opposing it, but obviously when you are young, you aren't very social or I guess exposed to more mature things. I watched princess movies when the man always saved a women, and I didn't know anything else. I have a very very significant memory from one of my first times going into the Main Street of my city, and seeing 2 girls kissing, and I asked my mum about what I was seeing because I was so intrigued, honestly at the time I didn't know why I was (lol I do now) but she explained to me that girls can like girls and boys can like boys. Both my parents have always been for same sex marriage and extremely accepting, so I felt very comfortable talking/ asking them questions about it, and they are always happy to talk. When I was in primary school I would always have crushes on boys, but when I got to grade 5 or 6 ish I started being attracted to girls, which made me extremely confused because I still found boys attractive as well. I had barely just been taught about gay men and lesbian women, and knew absolutely nothing about any other types of sexuality. For the rest of primary school, I ignored the thought that I was attracted to girls, because I was scared, so I tried forcing myself into only liking boys. I told myself I was being ridiculous and I was way to young to be thinking this. It wasn't until grade 8 until I met a girl who told me she was bisexual. Because I didn't want her to think I was an idiot, I went home and looked up the definition when it all clicked. I used to force my self into only liking one gender, and telling myself to make up my mind, because I never knew that it was not just me who had thoughts about both, and that it even had a name. As much as I tried to ignore it and wanted it to go away, the thoughts couldn't escape my mind. I started to become obsessed with it and as much as I hated it, it was the only thing I could think about. I really really didn't want to accept myself, and I was still attempting to push the thought of girls out of my mind. I still wouldn't accept myself, because I couldn't bring my self to admit it to myself. This is where the anxiety came in. Even though I hadn't told anyone, I always felt awkward at school, like every knew and they were all judging me. I felt like they were all staring at my disgustingly, when in reality they actually didn't know anything. But that is also when the self harm came. I only ever cut 3 times, but my eating habits got worse and worse. When I got packed a lunch for school I would throw it away, and at dinner I would say I was full from afternoon tea. I honestly thought starving myself would make me feel more confident in my body, but if anything it made me more self conscious. I was going to be comfortable and confident with myself, because I didn't choose to be bisexual, I can't help who I'm attracted to and as much as I try to ignore or change it, in reality it is never going to go away, so I may as well accept it. 2015 was long, tiring and stressful. This is the year I have finally accepted myself. I haven't come out yet, I'm going to give it more time. Some people would disagree and say as soon as you have accepted it, you are ready. So yeah, I've accepted it, but I'm still not confident with it. It still feels like a giant weight I'm carrying around. I will continue to look up to the brave people everyday who take the step and come out, they are bringing me closer, but I'm just not ready yet. I've promised myself I will be one day.