Paranoia (Zayn Malik) (editing)

Chapter 38: The Storm After The Calm

LUNA

"Luna."

He looks smaller somehow, curled into himself. He's pale, tired, movements sluggish as his eyes scan over me. He takes a step towards me, and I don't mean it, it's involuntary, an instinct, my brain overriding my heart but I-

"You flinched." He picks up on it, of course he does, he picks up on everything, and his face twists with pain "He found you last night, didn't he?"

Hearing him address the elephant in the room brings a chill to my body, he knows of this evil he has. My silence seems to be enough confirmation for him as he doubles over, leaning on the kitchen island, heaving a deep breath out and running a hand through his hair. 

"Fuck." He curses under his breath, taking a few moments.

His breath picks up again, and I think he's panicking. It's weird to see a man like him out of control. His knuckles tighten around tufts of his hair and he tugs. He tries to slow his breathing, but I'm not sure it's working, random puffs and hitches flying from his throat.

"Zayn." I say quietly and he looks up at me.

"Luna, I," He can barely push the words out, I've never seen him look scared before, so initially I doubt it, but fear has glazed his eyes "did I bite you?" 

I want to laugh, but it's not funny. I wish he had bitten me, it would've been violent, painful, but it would've been so much easier to forgive. A man simply succumbing to his carnal desires, not his alter ego purposefully, painstakingly planning to make me suffer just under the surface of his subconscious.

"No." I answer quietly.

He looks relieved, only for a second, and I wish I had the luxury of not remembering what he did to me too. 

"I don't know what happened, but I'm so sorry, Luna, I don't want to hurt you, ever." He moves closer to me and this time I don't react "Whatever he - I did, please, Luna, please I can't..."

He loses his thread, and the panic rises again. I want to be furious with him, so angry that I scream, but I'm not angry at all. I am scared of him. Nearly as scared of him as he seems to be of himself, and in this, I find some urge to comfort him like I want him to comfort me.

I put a hand on his chest, slightly to the left, over where I imagine his heart sits under muscle and bone and I feel it thud. I've tried to listen into his heart a few times while I'm lying on his chest, and he always reminds me it doesn't beat until something happens, something intense forces it to. 

"I know that it wasn't you, not really." I am crying softly before I have the chance to compose myself "But it still happened. It was... horrible." 

"What happened, doll?" He raises his fingers to my face, and after flinching at him a second time, I think he catches the hint, and lowers his hand "Please, Luna, let me fix this, tell me what happened."

My voice catches in my throat, and my tears come harder, raw as he asks me to relive the image of my dad dead in front of me.

"I can't." I choke out, dropping my hand from his chest, but he catches it in his own.

"Where's your bracelet?" He asks, turning my bare wrist in his cold hand.

"You took it." 

His eyes close and he sighs, and his lip trembles before he talks again "Can I see, what I did? Please?"

I am hesitant to let him in my mind again, given what last happened, but I can feel the urgency radiating from him. For a second, I worry that this is really the same man tricking me again, wanting passage into my head so he can torment me a second time, but this Zayn is different, he's my Zayn. There is something strangely different about the two, like I have some divine discernment to recognise the man I love.