FOUR QUARTERS

Chapter 83

Jonah

{Three days later}

During the lunch period I wasn't hungry I was walking and ended up on the bleachers in front of the football field. Just staring at field thinking about how my life has changed and is still changing while trying to adapt to all these new things and trying to find and learn who I am. When a voice disrupted my thoughts. "The food is inside. I mean it's not momma P but it will suffice for now." Steve said. Then he looked at me again. "What's wrong." "Gavin asked me if I wanted to change my last name." "Well before you do that you might want to start working on calling him, dad." I tensed up at the thought.

"Jonah, why hold on to something that is toxic? You say you're trying and you want our parents together right." "Yes, I want them happy." "That's not what I said. You want them together." "Steve, no matter how anybody looks at it or says it or puts it I made momma fall and when she loss the baby that was on me. I killed their baby, my sibling." Steve gave me a look.

"Our sibling." "Much better. It was an accident. Why do you feel you have to carry all this weight on you." "I'm not trying to but," "Jonah looks around you. You have a mom and a dad you have two uncles, an aunt, grandparents, and me. When you came here what and who did you really have." "Just momma." "And you're so used to it you don't know what to do. All you have was anger and resentment toward our dad. Break that wall down, let go of all that toxic shit it's not unhealthy."

"I don't want to play in the NFL" "I'm sorry what" "I don't want to play" "Why" "I've always said I didn't want to play." "What's the real reason" "I remember hearing momma cry at night when I was little. She never watched it I guess for fear she would see Gavin. One day I was at a friend and he was talking about how great this quarterback was I couldn't pronounce his name clearly. It wasn't Gavin though she smiled and was happy, but I could hear her heartbreaking while she cried. From that point, I said when college was over so was my football career. I never want to hear her cry like that again." "Damn" was all Steve could manage to say.

"You're having second thoughts aren't you." I took a deep breath. Running my hands down my face. "Change is change. I don't think Momma P will cry like that again unless you don't follow your dreams. Jonah, he wasn't their then but he is now, he's not the same person that told Momma P." "Steve that's not my focus." "Then what is your focus." "I'm terrified." "About" Another voice interjected, "Steve where should be?" Steve looked up and ran over to Gavin "Daddyyyyyyy" He said hugging Gavin. He looked at Steve. "I'm going to eat coach. Jonah, her cries are only going to more heartbreaking when you walk away from what you want." He said then left. As Gavin sat down beside me."

"What are you terrified of Jonah," Gavin asked me looking at the gridiron. "Were you eavesdropping?" "Kind of yes and no. I was coming back from the office and heard you and Steve talking." "How much did you hear." "Enough to know your terrified. So why." He said looking at me in my eyes. Closed my eyes "I don't want to be like you." He nodded in understanding. "Which me. High school me, a boy or me now, a man. I'm not the same." "That's just it. I don't know. I don't even know me. I'm trying to figure all of this out everybody telling me what do, how to feel, that they understand, but in reality, nobody knows. I don't even know. I don't even think it's a word for how I'm feeling."

"Tell me the best you can. In your own words." "It's always just been me and momma for so long I don't know how to let anyone else in. I don't know how to reciprocate that love and openness. I never had a family I don't know what it is. Just like I don't know why my grandmother chose me to spend her last hours with. I don't know why when I'm trying to move past all of this the past haunts my mind and I go to worse." "You mean when I told your mom to kill you." I nodded.

"Maybe this will help." He said, "Face me, Jonah, look at me in my eyes." I turn to him. "I wanted you dead out of me being terrified. I caused you and your mom an obscene amount of pain. I can't undo it the past but I can't undo what's going on now." I wanted to leave and Gavin must have realized it. "You're not leaving. We are facing this together." I sat back down looking at him. "Even though your mom said yes I still feel guilty of everything. The bitter taste of the words I said to Simone I can never take them back." "Why did you ask my mom to marry you."