Her

12

PHOENIX

What have I done?

Why did I do that? Why did I kiss her? Does she even like me? What if she doesn't? What if I read all the signs wrong? What if she's into guys? But what if she's into girls? Could she be into me? Why would she be into me? Why would anyone be into me? But what if she is into me? Should I ask her out? Would she say yes? Or would she say no? Am I going to ask her out? Or should I stay away from her? Should I have not kissed her? Did I scare her? Did I sexually assault her? Does she hate me?

Fuck.

"What's wrong, princess?"

I turn around. My heartbeat quickens. "Aza."

"Phoenix." Her brown eyes smile at me. "So what's wrong?"

"Nothing is wrong."

"So," she says, leaning against her locker, "you just like to randomly say 'fuck'?"

Fuck. Her lips smile at me. Wait, did I do it again?

"So, um," I say, "are we still meeting after school?"

"Why wouldn't we be?"

"I don't know. I just - I don't know."

"I'll meet you at your car. Is that okay?"

"Yeah, totally okay. Great. Really great."

She raises her eyebrows.

"Because, well, I don't want to get an F for that project, you know."

"Yeah. Right."

"Right."

"I'll see you around, princess."

I don't like this. I don't like that she can make me all nervous, silly and awkward. I don't like it. Or do I like it?

_____

PHOENIX

4pm. The parking lot.

"You're late."

"And you're early," Aza says.

I'm wearing sunglasses, with the purpose of hiding emotions. Right now it's working. We get in my car. I ask her where she lives, and she tells me.

"It's Greenwood's trailer park," she says. "But I guess you don't know that."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing. You just don't look like the type of person that spends their time at trailer parks."

I'm not sure what she's trying to say; is she insulting me? I type the address into my phone.

"So how come you live there? What about your parents?"

"They're dead."

I take off the sunglasses and look at her. "I'm sorry," I say.

Aza nods, shrugs. It's not a I-don't-care-shrug, but a I-don't-know-what-to-say-shrug. "They died when I was five," she says. "I barely remember them." A pause. "It was a car accident," she adds.

I don't know what to say. Maybe she realises. She says, "I like it though, living in the trailer park. Cass and Ky live there too. And their relatives; her dad and his brother. We're all very close."

It's the first time Aza has shared something personal with me. I wonder why she did it. And does she expect me to share something too? Does she expect me to talk about Xander? Do I want to talk about him?