Her

55

PHOENIX

Saturday. 7am. I'm standing in Aza's kitchen, making coffee. I check my phone for what must be the tenth time. No new messages.

"Why are you up this early?"

I quickly put my phone away. I feel familiar, warm arms wrapping around me from behind. I close my eyes. I feel my body relaxing.

"Morning, babe," Aza murmurs, kissing me.

"Morning," I say.

My eyes are still closed. I feel Aza's fingers gently moving over my skin.

"She hasn't called or anything?"

I shake my head.

"Whatever," I say, opening my eyes and turning around. "Let's have breakfast, okay?"

Aza looks at me for a moment.

"Okay," she says.

We have breakfast in bed.

"So," Aza says, "I thought we could do something nice today."

"Yeah," I say. "Why not?"

I try not to think that less than 24 hours ago, my mother said she wanted to do something with me today. But, unfortunately, it is hard to control one's thoughts.

"We could go roller skating, with Cass and Ky. And Eli. If you want to."

"Yeah, that sounds good."

I sip at my coffee.

"Phoenix..."

"Hm?"

"She'll call. It might take some time, but I'm sure she'll call. She won't be mad at you forever. She can't be."

I look at my cup, swirling it around.

"You know," I say, "I'm really sorry, Aza. I wish things were easier, that being with me wasn't this complicated - that I wasn't this complicated. But, well... I'm sorry, Aza."

"Don't."

I look up.

"Don't ever be sorry for being who you are."

I look at her for a moment. I open my mouth, but Aza's words come out sooner than mine.

"Remember when we went swimming?" she says. "When you told me about... what you almost did?"

I nod.

"And do you remember what I told you after you told me?"

I want to see every part of you.

I nod.

"That hasn't changed," Aza says. "And it won't."

She touches my face with both her hands. Her brown eyes look directly into my green eyes. It's more than eye contact. It's like soul contact.

"Phoenix," she says, "I love you. All of you."

My heart beats faster, yet every second beat hurts. I didn't think you could feel sadness and happiness at the same time. Looks like you can. I look at Aza. Then, I kiss her, trying to make the sadness go away, trying to give her all of me. Every third beat of my heart hurts. Then, it's every fourth. And then, it's every fifth. I kiss her; kiss her mouth, kiss her skin, kiss her body. I kiss all of her.