Her

25

AZA

I walk towards the table where Sean is sitting. He looks up, he smiles, then gets up. Blond, tall, good-looking. I think, He could be Melissa's brother. I think, He's how you're hurting Phoenix. I think, Earth, please swallow me up, then bring me up where I want to be, where Phoenix is. I think, Stop whining and grow some balls, drama queen, which is what Ky would say, which makes me smile, which makes me want to slap myself because I'm now smiling at Sean, who thinks I'm smiling because of him, which I'm not.

He hugs me hello, his hand touching my hip, almost ass. I have to think of what Ky said, which makes me something like snort and laugh, which makes me want to slap myself again because Sean now thinks I'm enjoying this. I quickly get out of the hug and sit down. Sean sits down too. He looks at me, up and down. I stare at him, looking serious and - at least I hope so - intimidating.

"Were you running late?" he says.

"Kind of," I say.

"Huh."

I pick up the menu, using it as some sort of shield between Sean and me. I flick through it, not actually taking any of it in. I have to think of Phoenix, who told me I looked very pretty when I basically looked like now, which is basically like a hobo. I try to imagine what she'd say if it was her sitting here with me right now. She wouldn't have asked me that question; she would have said something like, "You're late. I was already hoping you wouldn't come, but then, sadly, you did." And I would have answered, "Happy to see you too, princess."

And if she had asked me if I was running late, like Sean did, she wouldn't have answered with a 'huh'. She would have said, "Oh, so that is why you look like literal shit." And I would have answered, "Exactly. And what's your explanation for looking like literal shit?" Clearly, having a conversation with Phoenix is a lot more fun. Maybe I should have gone on a date with Phoenix - but then, I wouldn't go on a date with Phoenix; I can't. Because she likes boys.

"You okay?"

"What?" I take my eyes off the menu, look at Sean, frown at him.

"You're kind of gripping the menu."

"Just testing the material," I say. "Seems all right."

"Um... I see."

"So, are we gonna order or what?"

"Uh, yeah. Sure."

We order food, we eat it, we talk. Or actually, we don't talk - Sean talks. He talks a lot, and I pretend to listen, while thinking about Phoenix. It's not like I want to think about her, it's more like it just happens. Like some girl walks into the room, wearing boyfriend jeans, a sweater and a coat, something Phoenix would wear, expect Phoenix wouldn't wear a pink sweater but maybe a beige one, and she would also put on some cool sunglasses. Or someone has a similar walk as Phoenix, expect Phoenix's is more elegant, but also more casual and cool.

"...So I hope we'll win, and I think we have a pretty great chance, but I'm not, like, 100% sure. Luke is sick, so he can't play, Adams can't play, and Xander, well, also can't play. Man, I wish he could, I really miss him. But we still have Jackson, and well, me, so I think -"

"Xander?" I look at Sean, actually look at him instead of just keeping my eyes open and focused on him. "Isn't he Phoenix's brother?"