Her

47

PHOENIX

Thursday. The morning. The rain is gone; the sun is shining. I flip a pancake. I hear some rustling.

"Good morning, Aze."

"Morning," she yawns. "Nix." She sits up. "Wait..." She rubs her eyes. "Are you making pancakes?"

"I am."

She gets up, hugs me from behind and kisses me.

"And coffee?" she says.

"And coffee," I say.

"Gosh," she mumbles, into my shoulder, "I love you."

Three seconds pass. I feel that weird feeling inside my stomach. Aza is still holding me. What? I can't tell whether I say the word out loud. I hear Aza repeating the three words, her voice clearer. I turn around. We look at each other.

"I love you," Aza says, her voice very clear and very soft. "Phoenix Océane LeFlore."

I stare at her. I want to tell her the same three words, but somehow, they come out as three different words. "Are you sure?"

Aza stares at me, frowns.

"I mean..." I swallow. "I..." Just say it. "I..." Say it, moron. I take a breath. "I..."

"It's okay," Aza says, looking away, then at me, then away. "You don't have to say it back."

She laughs, but I sense something like disappointment inside her laugh and face. I want to make it go away, and I know what I have to say to do it. But I can't do it. The words won't come out.

"Shit," Aza says. "Think we burned the pancakes."

We eat the pancakes which can be eaten. There's something awkward in the air, but both of us ignore it. Aza jokes around, I joke around, we talk a little. We don't mention what she said and what I didn't say. Eventually, we get ready, leave her trailer, walk to my car and wait for the others.

"Morning, lovebirds," Ky greets us, a grin on his face.

I mumble a morning, hand Ky my keys, then slip into my car. Aza, as usual, sits down next to me. She looks at me, then out of the window.

"Man," Ky says, "I fucking love your car."

"I know."

"And you. I fucking love you, Phoenix."

I look at Aza; she looks back at me. I look out of the window. Again, I get this feeling inside my stomach.

The drive to school is rather quiet, the person talking the most being Ky. I don't say much, but I think a lot. I think about what Aza said. I love you. Why couldn't I say it back? It's possible for me to say 'I', it's possible for me to say 'love', and it's possible for me to say 'you'. Yet it seems impossible for me to string all the three words together. I love you. They're just three simple words - words which no one has ever said to me, and which I have never said to anyone. There are Xander, Maisie and Josh, and my parents, but I don't feel like they count. They're my family, and family are people you have to love.

Aza, on the other hand, isn't my family. She might feel like my family, but she isn't my family. She chooses to love me. So why can't I choose to love her back? Or do I actually do? Just because I can't tell her I love her, it doesn't mean I don't love her, or does it?

"Phoenix? I'm talking to you."

"What? Sorry, what?"

"I said are you going to stay at Aza's today?"