SMILE ✔︎

F U C K

F U C K

Koa's here ;)

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J U L Y 1 9 9 8

"Damn." I mumble and Royce sighs, "You never know what's going on in somebody's head... She's right."

I wait a second to reply, biting my lip and wondering whether I should ask about what he's thinking. But what will go wrong? We are reading a journal on a bench on the beach, covered in pink light and sand and salt water.... I have never been happier.

"Well what are you thinking Jewwly?" I ask, closing my eyes for a second as I listen to his cleansing voice.

"I guess I'll never tell you will I?"

"Oh how bad could it possibly be Royce! What can you not tell me!" I ask, giggling and poking his stomach jokingly.

"I don't know... just.. just how pretty I think you are.." he mumbles, looking up and running his free hand over my cheek.

I bite my lip, a blush rising on my cheek.

"Out of everything we just learned you're still thinking of how pretty I am?" I ask sweetly, smiling lightly.

"Well I was thinking of.. other things too-" he starts with a wink. I gasp.

"Okay okay! Well... I think you're really handsome, Jewwly." I mumble and he smirks devilishly. "I know Sweetheart."

I roll my eyes, bringing my hand to turn his head toward the book I hold.

"Back again, I know it's only been a few hours, but I'm scared. My brother has only been gone a few days, but it's frightening when you know he's in another country right now dropping supplies from aircrafts. I hope he does well.."

I finish another paragraph, flipping a couple a head.

"He's still gone. He's been gone for two months.. He hasn't sent letters back in a week. I'm awfully scared... my friends have suggested we go to a popular tourist spot, mostly because she wants to go somewhere since her boyfriend broke up with her. Don't think she's doing this for me because god.. I can only seem to find friends who care about themselves. I wish I had one of those best friends you met at birth and travel the world with. Either way she said it's beautiful and I'll have fun. I don't know if I can have fun right now... but we will be going in a month. Maybe that's when I'll drop this. I'm sorry it's not been much information, but hopefully I can update you on my brother by then. Or you'll be left in suspense just like me, knowing he's missing from your life."

Royce wraps his arms around me and flips over on his stomach, "I know what it's like losing a sibling.." he mumbles.

He digs his face in my chest and sighs, "it feels like death is holding you by the throat, as though it were a warning you were gonna come next. Or that it should've been you. Or even worse that you were the reason... You grew up with them, they told you things your parents wouldn't, they protected you. Of course you get in fights but god damn I wish I could replace all the times I punched Flynn or all the times I said things I didn't mean with really loud 'I love you's' that everybody can hear. Just because I never got to say it to him."

I kiss the top of his head, "I'm so sorry Royce."

He sighs, shaking his head, "I don't want 'sorry's anymore, I want people to not judge me. I want people to look at me and not care what I've gone through but only the fact that I'm still here. Because there have been times when I've questioned whether or not I should be."