SMILE ✔︎

F E A R I S J U S T A P A R T O F L O V E

F E A R I S J U S T A P A R T O F L O V E

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SONG-
FREAKIN' OUT ON THE INTERSTATE BY BRISTON MARONEY

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please please please listen to the song while reading, it makes it so much better :) thank you all for reading... sorry this book had to be a sad ending...

Love you all

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A U G U S T 2 1 , 1 9 9 8

I lay flat on my bed, no blanket on.. people had came to take off the board on my windows since I didn't have the energy..

And I had to use blinds to cover the light, because it was just too bright for me.

I had read Kelca's journal from front to back over and over, looking at her handwriting and every word. Occasionally I would spray her perfume on the pillow next to mine, just to feel like she was there.

And sometimes I see her... I see her laying next to me and whispering to me "I'll see you again, know that Jewwly.."

I paid attention to every detail of the journal, trying to make sense of every single word. And I looked at the scratchy and quick signature at the bottom of the last note, it was slightly dragged out since it was soaked in water, but it was adorable.

Her last note was on August 16, and scratched in black pen is "I'm coming Royce.. we'll be together again. Love, Kelca Kellinoals"

And sometimes I would look at the ring I had bought her from the day she was thrown in the attic, a little silver ring with a small Diamond in the middle.

I knew what she wanted.. I saw her looking at ring magazines while I was getting a tattoo. And I saw her gawk over the exact ring I got her.

I slowly put it on my ring finger, and slowly mutter to myself what I would've muttered to her. "Will you marry me Kelca Ciara Kellinoals..."'

I run my finger along the ring, my face empty and my heart pumping.

I don't wanna cry again.. my eyes hurt and my throat hurts and my nose is stuffy..

I'm so done...

I keep the ring on as I flip over, holding the stupid stuffed animal she won me and holding it close.

It felt like nothing except wishing there was a body somewhere there wasn't.

And sometimes I wish that I would've admitted it sooner... then I wouldn't have done any of this because I would trust her more and believe in myself more, I would've been able to feel her more... I would've been able to memorize the things she would say or the way she would look at me or the way she would feel me..

God I just wanted her back...

I haven't seen anybody in a few days, my house had two people here and yet it was incredibly silent.

Every once in a while Bev would bring me food she made.

But it never tasted like the lunches Kel had made despite the fact that they were her recipes.

And for the first time in a while I get out of my bed, spraying my wrist with her perfume.

I'll never get over her... and I know that's foolish of me to say but I was stuck on Koa who was terrible for years.. you think I wouldn't be stuck on the only thing to make me happy? Because I will be..