Scared To Love

Crush

She likes me ?..nah whatever . don't care .

What was that warm feeling inside ? Happiness? No no I can't be happy...nope. I'm not gonna like her too...uh uh no way .

I thought this Jennifer thing would be over soon enough but I guess not . Everybody thought  we were couples .
School days just passed by and I wasn't making any friends(girls) like I promised .

" What ? Why are you asking me ? " I shrugged then squinted . " What isn't she your..." " my what ? " I frowned .

" it's okay nothing " Joshua smiled .

I know he wanted to say girlfriend . He also thinks Jenny is my girlfriend .
How did he even find that out ?!

Not that she is my girlfriend... She's not , obviously but Josh is not even in my Class so how ?

I guess everybody thinks Jenny and I were made for each other ... Or maybe...

"No Peter ! Don't even go there . Stop thinking about her" My inside voice warned me .

My friends , mates , seniors , everything they say about Jenny liking me seems so convincing .

I...I think it's true . The way she speaks to me...totally different from how she speaks . I don't remember the last time she looked directly at me for more than five  seconds .

Even I'm not able to look at her . Somehow I look for her when she's not around but when I find her...I turn away .

OH SHIT ! Could it be ?...could it be ?
No...I can't like her...no not again .

" you promised , remember ? No girls at all " I whispered to myself .

Some time ago I fell in love . well...I think I did . From what I've heard and seen , falling in love is supposed to be the best thing that happens to you...it wasn't for me . In fact , it was the most hurtful experience ever . 

Maybe love isn't for me . To be alone . That's all I am .

Fred , Thomas , Jenny , Philip and I  got caught up in a conversation in the classroom.

We were talking just fine. Even I was talking with Jenny till everything changed when the boys left...leaving just Jenny and I all alone .

This just got awkward.

Now what ? My words just disappeared . Like my ability to speak got snatched away from me or something .

Silence... No one's talking . Just the two of us .

OK this is stupid . I have to get out of this . Someone please help me . " so...see you tomorrow ? " she finally said .

" yeah " was all that came out of my mouth . I feel  so stupid. That was embarrassing .

I looked at her as she picked up her back pack and exited the class .
Another school . Another crush...maybe it's a second chance . Or am I making a mistake ?

I must tell her how I feel . This time , I won't make the same mistake . I have to find a way to tell her .

Joshua sat with me in the empty dinning hall . His hands all busy with chips and his jaws moving up and down as he munched .

" I heard you talked to your girlfriend today " Joshua scoffed . " what ? No ! "

He's brought that topic up again . Ah seriously...why ?
" her name's Jenny and she's not my girlfriend . I denied .

Joshua grinned then pointed at me " Aha ! So she is your girlfriend . how did you know she was the one I was talking about ? "  " it's not true . Everybody just thinks that . Don't mind them " I rolled my eyes then shook my head .

Joshua stopped chewing and made that serious face again . Putting aside all the jokes , he asked again , demanding detailed answers .

" Do you like her , Peter ? Tell me . I won't tell anyone else " . His stare so tempting made it hard for me to not say anything .

Should I tell him ? Maybe I should tell him . He's my friend . I trust him . He looks so serious now . I can't keep lying to him anymore .

I want to say yes but something is making it so hard for me . Why can't I just say yes ? What's going on with me ?

Instead of saying yes...I suddenly felt the need to tell him something more personal . " do you know why I don't want to like any girl or even get close to em anymore ? " I began .

He nodded . Waiting for me to tell him everything .

I'm about to replay my past once again . Something I chose to forget .
I've not started talking yet and my eyes already feel wet . My heart is racing real fast now . Talking about my feelings is big deal for me .

" back in basic school I used to sit with a girl . We seemed to have a lot in common . Friends began to tease us . Started calling us couples  till I actually started liking her , eventually falling in love with her . I fell in love with that girl and everything changed . I spent years thinking of how to tell her...." I paused and took a breath.

" I only loved her and no one else . I loved her so much that I didn't realize someone also liked me . I didn't give anyone else a chance because I was waiting for her....and that was stupid . I graduated without telling her...what a waste ."

Joshua squeezed his face and raised a brow .
He's confused . " anyway...what I'm trying to say is that what happened there was not my fault . I didn't fall in love with her on my own...it happened because my mates started it " I explained .

Joshua remained quiet and listened . " and that's it...sometimes your friends make you think you love someone but it's not real...you have to ignore it " I said to Joshua , realizing I was advising myself here .

Oh no...it's happening again .  I've started crushing on Jenny only because of my friends . But she's so pretty .

" I won't fall for it again " I told myself . I have to ignore everything and stay away from her .

" that doesn't explain why you don't wanna like any girl " Joshua said . I shrugged .

I can't tell him everything . I'm not going to o tell him that somehow I found out she didn't feel the same way about me . I hurts too much to tell anyone that part if the story .

I won't risk crying in front of Joshua .

I've finally come to my senses . I almost made the same mistake again . " no girl at all " the words rang in my head .

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