Reborn

It's okay

After spending the day helping various people in the Village, Tamlin and I return to his castle, after the sun had long since set, in a comfortable silence. We are both obviously exhausted.

He leads me into a dining room, where a large feast is already laid upon the table – as if by magic elves. Without turning around he stomps over to the head of the table and plonks himself, not so gracefully, down. I slowly pull out the chair closest to where I was standing and sit down. Tamlin acts much as Cassian normally does, grabbing as much food as possible and scarfing it down, as though he hadn't eaten in days. Though I suppose we hadn't eaten since I had arrived – or at least I haven't.

He seems to notice that I'm not picking up any of the food and he motions to me with his mouth full to grab whatever I want. After I ignore him he swallows loudly and begins to speak. "Are you not hungry?"

"I am."

"Then why do you not eat? Does sitting with me disgust you so much?" He asks rhetorically.

I shake my head.

Of course he would think it stupid so there was no point in mentioning my fear of eating something I didn't make or see being made myself. It's just another one of those things that I have to get used to. It's not like I trust the High Lord, I just want him to get better.

"Things went well today." I say, trying to change the topic. "We shall continue tomorrow, until that village has been helped."

"Thank you. For today." He looks over to me and smiles. I nod in response, giving him a small smile of my own.

"I told you, it may be a long process but it can be easy. Just remember that once the buildings have been re-built and everything seems right you still have to go and offer help – and actually help. Otherwise you will quickly lose their new-found trust in you."

He nods, and I just hope that he understands that I speak the truth. I don't want to have to come back here. Being in this house, this room, with him, his blonde hair and tanned skin and green eyes. I just. I just don't think I can deal with this for too long.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Time skip – two days later)

After helping again with the Village yesterday Tamlin was exhausted. Or at least I presume he was as he still was not up. I am walking around the gardens, people now present after word having spread of Tamlin being kind and helpful to his people.

I smile in the sunlight, still not used to how nice it is to feel the warm sun on my face and the fresh breeze against my cheeks.

"Good morning." A deep voice says from behind me, making me jump slightly as I turn ready to attack. Tamlin stands with a smile on his face, brighter than any I had seen him give previously, his hands held up in surrender.

"Hi."

"So, what are we to do today?" He asks, probably wondering what my plan is for the Spring Court.

I pause for a moment, pondering what my answer will be. I look away from him and continue on my walk.

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"How are you?" I ask him, not answering his question.

"Fine" he answers roughly.

I look back over my shoulder to him, raising a brow.

He sighs. "Of course I am fine."

"I am fine. You are fine. Your people are fine. Everyone is just FINE." I say calmly, but emphasise the last word I say. Waiting to see if he falls for the bait. He doesn't.

I roll my eyes, knowing he can't see my face. "Being fine is okay. But you should be better than fine. We all should be. But we're not. And that's okay." I see that he has caught up to me. "But I'm not okay. And neither are you."

I see him in the corner of my eye close his eyes at my truth and give a slight nod.

"You're right. I'm not okay. But I don't know how to be okay."

I stop and look at him properly, "that's okay" I smirk at my use of the word, "neither do I but I'd like to think that I'm doing okay."

He lets out a bark of a laugh.

"Laughing helps. So does smiling. And so does not blaming yourself, or others, for anything."

"I guess I deserve that, huh?" I don't reply, letting him continue on.

"How have you not attacked me? Or killed me? Why?"

"Because you did not cut off my wings. Nor did you cut off my head."

"But I didn't stop him." He responds, blame obvious in his tone. I stop and turn to face him.

"No. But he was your father, and you were a child. I had the power to stop him, and I didn't. And I blame myself for my mother's death for this reason. But I was a child. And I was scared."

"I was scared too."

"I know."

We continue to walk through his gardens, no longer paying attention to the things around us but just on what one another is saying. I think I'm finally getting through to him. That I'm truly helping him fix his Court and maybe himself too.

"Take it from someone who has lost everything, coming back from nothing is hard. I lost myself – I couldn't remember who I was and I was glad for it, glad for the ignorance that meant I didn't constantly worry for everyone's well-being whilst I was being tortured and caged away like an animal. But, it is not impossible. You just need your friends and family to help you."

"I have no family. I have no one." He looks down to the floor and I know that he is blaming himself for this too, for driving away the only family he had left, for driving even Feyre, the woman he loved too much, away.

Just then I feel someone appear from the clearing ahead and nod my head to them.

"You have me."

Startled Tamlin looks up and stares at them in shock. He seems frozen, as though not sure what to do or say.

"I thought you might need him." I say nudging Tamlin forward, a smirk making its way onto my face.

"Lucien."

"Brother." Lucien responds. Because despite not being biological brothers they were one another's family, by each others sides when they needed one another. 

Tamlin is once again frozen, not sure how to respond.

"I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry." Tamlin chokes out as he stumbles toward the fiery haired Fae.

Lucien embraces him. "As am I. But you were not the Tamlin who helped me. That Tamlin was gone."

I glance at Lucien and he nods toward me, miming a thank you. I nod my head and smile back, motioning that I'll be wandering the grounds, giving them a moment or two without me. As I begin to walk away I look over my shoulder and see the two men talking. They may not be brothers through blood, but Lucien was right. They were brothers. Just like Sandy, Az and Cass were. 

Tamlin didn't need me, or he did but not in the way he needed Lucien. He needed me so that he knew I forgave him, so he could learn to move past our family's betrayal, but he needed Lucien, his brother through everything, to support him once again. To make the Spring Court home for him as it was before the War, before even Amarantha.

I look up to the clear light blue sky and wish, with a heavy heart, that I was home.