"You're Alone Kokichi, And You Always Will Be" // A Saiouma Angst Story

Chapter 14 - Built Up Anger

(Quick A/N: Just a reminder that Kokichi doesn't know Shuichi and Kaede broke up, this is important information for this chapter so keep it in mind!)

Kokichi's POV

When I got to my dorm, I immediately ran to my bathroom and pulled out the box. I aggressively pulled out my boxcutter and began leaving horizontal cuts all over my left arm.

I didn't want to keep self harming. I wanted to get help and stop doing it for Shuichi, but it was my only coping mechanism.. and it helped me a lot for some reason.

Speaking of Shuichi, I still couldn't believe he told Kaito. I mean, what did he think was gonna happen? Did he really think Kaito of all people would've kept my secret?

All of a sudden I felt a sharp pain in my arm, I looked down at it to see what was causing it and saw more cuts than I had thought I did.

I examined the cuts, confused. Did I do these..? I asked myself in my mind. I guess I had zoned out while thinking.

I sadly sighed, put away the box and got up from crouching. I pulled out bandages from the cabinet and began applying then to my damaged arm.

Suddenly, I heard my phone notification from the other room, I jumped up and ran to answer it. It was a text from Shuichi.
________________________________________
Hey.. so about today.. I only said that stuff because I was mad you were accusing me, but its understandable for you to accuse me since I was the only one you told. Once again I really am sorry.. please forgive me.

Of course I will Shumai! Don't worry about it, did you really think I was affected by that stuff??

well I mean yeah.. sorta.

Well I'm not! So haha! You just apologized for nothing and embarrassed yourself!

Ahaha, yeah I guess so. Shoot sorry I have to go now Kokichi Bye!

Bye idiot!

________________________________________

I put my phone down. Of course I lied about it not affecting me. I'm so dumb. Why can't I just say my honest feelings?

Because then they'll judge you. And then they'll know you're weak, you don't want that do you?

I drowned out the voice in my head, ignoring the fact that it was right. I did fear being judged. I just didn't want to admit it.

After calming myself down, I went to bed, still thinking about Shuichi and my feelings for him. I felt myself tear up, knowing Shuichi was still dating Kaede. But after a few minutes of crying, I had already fallen asleep.

The next day at school, I got bullied as I always do everyday. It was starting to become normalized for me in my mind because it was just something I had to go through and no one ever did anything about it, even when I told adults.

It was the usual, name calling, hitting, punching, and more. And I just let them do it everytime, it was like my facade subconsciously dropped and I would never realize it until afterwards.

The bullies would usually hurt me until my face was covered with bruises, that was when they felt the most satisfied. It got so bad to the point where I had to keep makeup in my bag so I could cover up the bruises when they were done.

After my daily torture, I was walking in the halls when I spotted Shuichi. I ran up behind him and yelled, "BOO!". He jumped in fear before becoming flustered and embarrassed.

I pointed and laughed at him, in which he just continued walking off, leaving me. I ran to catch up with him.

"Heyyy don't be rude Shumai!!! I'm just trying to be funny and cheer ya up!" I whined. He looked at me, obvious hints of annoyance were visible on his face.

"Ouma, go bother someone else, I have to get to class." I laughed at him when he said that and responded, "Silly Saihara! We have all of our classes together, remember?"

He paused for a second before looking back at me. "Fine, you can walk with me... I guess.." My heart happily skipped a beat when he said that.

I cheerfully jumped up and down, giggling. But then I remembered Kaede and Shuichi's relationship, and all of that joy evaporated. It was like a mood swing. A really really bad mood swing.

It was like all of the anger I've kept built up was starting to leak through my facade. I couldn't calm it down. The feeling was similar to the one in Gonta's trial.

Shivers racked through my body when I thought of that moment again. Memories flashed through my mind. When I realized I had to let go of my only friend, I started to yell and scream at him out of guilt.

It was terrible, because Gonta just kept on saying he didn't know he was the killer. In reality I just wanted him to stick up for himself, but it never happened.

"Ouma? You ok? You seem awfully quiet." I blinked a few times before jumping out of my thoughts. "Yeah I'm just.. th-thinking.." Shuichi looked at me with surprise when he heard me stutter.

"Wow, I would've never thought I'd hear you of all people stu-" As Shuichi spoke, the feeling of anger started to come back again.

The thoughts of him and Kaede in a relationship; The thoughts of me never being understood; Thoughts of everything just started to come wandering back in my mind.

The anger was becoming too overwhelming. I wanted to yell and scream. My nerves and limbs were starting to tense up. I just wanted to let out all of my emotions.

"Shuichi." I said in a firm tone. He jumped at my sudden change of emotion. "You and Kaede are still in a relationship, right?"

He opened his mouth to speak, but before any noise could come out, I cut him off. "You know what? It doesn't matter! I don't care at this point! Because in the end, YOU PREFERRED HER OVER ME!"

Shuichi looked at me with fear in his eyes, even though I'd already yelled at him before. I decided to let him speak this time.

"No no! Kokichi, you have it a-all wrong! I don't love Kaede! I love you but you... you're just.. you're.."

"I'm what, Shuichi?" My voice was laced with anger, I didn't even realize until after the words came out of my mouth.

"you're.. well... I don't know how to say this but-" His stuttering was starting to piss me off. "SPIT IT OUT ALREADY!" I yelled.

"You're... you're just you!" I was taken aback by those words. Taking about a millisecond before piecing them all together like a puzzle. "I'm.. just me?! What does that mean!?"

"Take a look at yourself right now! You're out of control! You started to yell at me for no reason! You're rude and always think you're better than everyone!"

My facade had fully shattered at that point. Tears filled my eyes at a rapid speed. I began crying right there in front of Shuichi. I tried playing it off as fake crying but I couldn't.

I just turned around and said nothing before walking off.

1305 words! Ok so I know this chapter is rlly confusing and written a bit badly so I'll explain it: Basically when Kokichi was with Shuichi he remembered that Shuichi was still dating Kaede and instead of getting upset he started to become mad because all of his built up anger started to break his facade very slowly and Kokichi didn't realize until after it finally became too overwhelming and released itself. I hope that clears some stuff up and makes sense!