Blue's Healing (HIATUS)

Chapter 21

Present day
Therapy was going good for me and there wasn't much I could complain about, yet I felt just a little empty. There was this numbing sensation that wouldn't go away; no matter how many things I fill my day up with useless things-there is something I haven't done yet.
I still have haunting dreams, though they have lessened.
I am tempted to speak out into the frigid December air but I remember I am waiting for Rosie and she could come at any moment. We had been going home together the past few weeks, either alone or with Zane and the others; today we were alone. I don't know what I feel about everything yet, but I didn't want the happy feelings I have to go away. Rosie has this way of seeing through me; so deeply that I feel her gaze all the way through to my bones. I cant help but welcome her caressing gaze even if I don't know how to come to terms with other feelings in order to fully embrace being with her.
I don't think I am worthy of love; which proves hard to continuously tell myself that I am. But I told myself that we need to try my hand at it even if I have to go to war with myself.
    The old metal doors creak open slightly as Rosie slips out between the doors with a knee-length mute yellow coat and a beige knitted hat covering her head and ears. Standing up, I wait for her to make her way over to me as I stuff my hands in my beige sweatpants. I don't mind the frigid air even though the tips of my fingers are slowly going numb. Simple beige sweats with a thermal socks, along with insulated crocs. My hair had grown considerably since last month as it now rested a little below my collarbone and it servers it purpose of keeping my ears and head warm.
"Ugh, winter is coming or rather it seems to be already here... unfortunately. But, I don't see how you are not freezing in just a pair of sweats, honey-bunch," Rosie grumbles before shooting me a smile as she shoulder bumps me.
I smile at the nickname I have come to appreciate, "I have thermal wear underneath 'just a pair of sweats', Rosie. Plus, I told you flowers need extra help in the winter to survive," before laughing at the pout that takes over her face.
    Rosie started complaining of the cold once the weather dipped below 75 degrees; which would be reasonable if she didn't act like the world was ending along with the the temperature.
"Haha, very funny, Miles. Now, lets get into your warm car, shall we?" Rosie loops her arm in mine as she drags me around the school to my car.
I smile down at her as the feeling of emptiness is smothered for a minute. I didn't mind the subtle touches of her anymore but there was just one thing that I hadn't quite come to terms with myself that made me hesitant. The shrink keeps saying that the emptiness wouldn't go away in a matter of a few months or even years but Ill slowly begin to get better at knowing how to feel certain emotions and know how to deal with them. I had a lot of progress yet I hadn't taken the first step yet. To say I was scared would be an understatement; I just didn't want to have to admit it to myself nor to Rosie.
Chilled fingertips touch my equally chilled cheeks dragging my attention back to reality. I blink slowly before shaking my head to clear the fuzzy feeling that was beginning to surface at my thoughts taking a slightly emotional turn.
"Sorry...Got a little caught up in my head," I mumble running my hands through my fluffed up hair. Most days, Rosie would've brushed it and put it up for me but today she didn't have much time.
"It's okay, honey-bunch. Can I drive today? If that is good with you?"
"Yeah... Go ahead," I say trailing off as feel the heavy feeling of the fog begin to cloud my mind but I push it away as I hand Rosie the keys and climb into the passenger seat .
    I didn't want the change in mind set. I didn't want to be...like this. Even if I know Zane also is like me; I can't seem to find myself to be like him. So, instead of confronting it, I chose to be a coward until I had no choice but to face it head on. That day hasn't come yet, so I push away the fog and talk to Rosie about my ceramics teacher that couldn't stop farting every time they squatted.
    The drive was as calm as my mind would allow it to be; the thought of caving in front of Rosie wasn't on my to do list today. Or ever for the matter. I felt her gaze often on me throughout the remainder of the drive but I couldn't bring myself to look at her. I was never shown what love is like nor how to love or like someone; so I want to show my best self to someone who barbers feelings for me. I want to look my best towards Rosie since I've only shown her sides of me that I didn't want to show anyone.
The hum of the car comes to a subtle stop waking me from my stupor and I begin to unbuckle myself. I lean my head on my hands as I try to push away the fuzzy feeling creeping into my mind. Silence ensues as minutes pass by until I hear the clinking of a seatbelt and soft fingertips brushing through my hair. I sit up leaning against the head rest to turn and look at Rosie. A smile that caresses the worries on my mind and heart graces her face with eyes that tell me it's going to be okay.
"You don't have to pretend to be okay, Miles. There is sadness, grief, apprehension, anxiety and depression in all of our hearts. I have anxiety, apprehension, guilt, sadness, anger, and self-doubt. Now, before you can truly begin to heal you have to understand what is in your heart add come to terms with it and yourself; no matter how scary it may seem."
I was afraid to talk since I knew my speech was going to be messed up but I wanted to listen to her.
"W-what am I? I wanna be like everybody," I say as II choose my words carefully as to get what I mean across in as few words as possible.
Rosie reaches across the console tucking my hair behind my ear before pinching my nose tightly.
"Ahh! What was that for?!" I sit up straight startled as I look at her with wide eyes.
"What is everybody like, Miles? Aren't I everybody? Everybody means everyone outside of yourself." She looks at me sternly for the first time ever and I look down away from her accessing eyes.
My chin is tilted up and pulled towards her, "There is not a single person on this Earth that is like everybody else. There is no such thing as being like everybody else. I for one would absolutely hate to be apart of one being. 'Being like everyone else' is saying there is a normal person in this universe that we all want to be like. You are many things just like everyone else. I want to be many good things just like everyone else. So, next time I hear that you want to be like everyone else I will be tempted to make you write lines saying, 'I want to be many good things. I want to be myself.' Do you understand me, Miles."
I sigh sagging heavily in my chair before grabbing her hands and putting my forehead on them.
"You are right, Rosie. I was being silly and know that everything happens and is happening just the way it was meant to be. It is hard being weak after I had been strong for so many years; or at least I thought I was," I say feeling the weight of everything slowly melting off of my shoulders.
"It's not silly at all to have moments that you don't feel your best or don't feel worthy of healing. We often compare ourselves to being strong or weak but in all aspects of life we are strong; whether it was protecting yourself from harm until you could get the help you desperately need or if you are still protecting yourself by being cautious. In all accounts of your life, you were and still are so strong. The ability to bear the life that was handed to you is strong in it's self, so yes, you have always been strong but never weak. All I see is a strong honey bunch wanting to heal and learn to love."
Silent tears made there way onto Rosie palms as I gave her everything that was hiding in my heart the moment. The self-doubt, anger, frustration, sadness, and something else. I wasn't sure what it was but it filled my heart instead of grief. Soft thumb pads bushed off the heavy tears from my now warm cheeks as the globes to my world gazed at me with I could only assume was something closes to love. It's warmth welcomed me into arms but I couldn't join that world...at least not yet.
                        ~~~
"Now, lets get something to eat, Miles!" Rosie twirled around the kitchen as she kissed Grammy on the cheeks. Grammy began to ask me to invite her over consistently as the school year continued. If I didn't know better I would have thought Grammy and Rosie were long lost best friends. I hadn't seen Grammy smile as much as she does when she is teaching Rosie different recipes; how to preserve fruits, baking, and all kinds of different things. I don't mind having Rosie over seeing as it is great to talk to her and just spending time with her is amazing.
Though there was one thing I had noticed about Grammy lately that I hadn't been able to notice with everything going in my mind.
"Grammy, how has your blood pressure and anemia been doing?" The past few months have been hard for the both of us and I hadn't even noticed how much weight it looks like she has lost and the luster that was in her face is gone.
"It's doing fine. Why do you ask, Miles?" Grammy squints at me as she doesn't have her glasses on. 
"Nothing, you just looked a little pale and lost a bit of weight. I need you to stay with me for a long time so your health is my top priority, Grammy," I say softly as lean against the counter next to her.
She gazes at me for a minutes before swatting my away with cloth saying, "I will be here until you can stand on your own two feet and have enough people around you to fill my shoes. So, until that happens, I won't be going anywhere. I will fight Death himself to be here until that happens. Understand, worry wart?"
Smiling softly, "Understood, my guardian angel." Kissing her on the cheek before helping to prepare dinner.
The night came quickly as the moon came out brightly and it was time for Rosie to go home. We had watched Matrix after dinner and dessert; though we ended up needing snacks after just 20 minutes into the movie. Rosie definitely can hold her own weight in food. No wonder we get along so well.
"I thought I was going to have to rethink our friendship if you were the type of girl to order a salad. I was holding my breath before dinner," I say jokingly as we sit on the set outside the front door. 
"Oho! I mean, I'm surely not 'that' type of girl but it seems like I have an empty pit when period comes. I normally don't even eat this much; you know that. But, my today I could've kept eating some more of that baked chicken. I had to leave so more for the rest of y'all," Rosie says with a hand on her stomach as she leans back against the door.
I had been very awkward when Rosie had spoken freely of her being on her period; not because I think periods are gross but because I felt a bit helpless at not know how to help.
"Do you wan't me to pack you more to go? We have plenty plus, ever since everyone has been coming over frequently Grammy has started to buy a lot more meat that she used to," I question as I wasn't sure if she was actually hungry still.
I don't like the thought of Rosie restricting herself when she is around me....Though it is because of me.
"Don't do that, Miles." My head snaps towards her as she sits up slowly putting her hands on her temples.
Scrunching my face in confusing, I begin to question her but she shakes her head. "I am not like this because of you. You say a lot with your body," she reaches up between my brows and smooths it out with the pads of her thumb, "I like to think I am considerate when I do things like this. I don't like being selfish; I want to be selfless. Kind of like in the Divergent books."
She laughs slightly before continuing, "Yes, I limit myself a lot but it has everything to do with what I choose. It has nothing to do with you or anyone else."
"I want you to be selfish, though. You ask about me and love mother everyone in the group but you decide these limits for yourself that don't do any good. There is no harm in eating more food if you're hungry especially if there is plenty which there is. Even if you can eat your own weight in food; eat more if you are hungry. Regardless, if there is something you are restricting yourself from that isn't going to cause harm to yourself or others then do your best to take it, Rosie. I want to also try my hand in taking care of you," I say frustrated at her way of thinking.
"There is no need for you to take care of me, Miles. I do that for myself; I have no need for help like that." She clicks her tongue before standing up sticking her hands in her coat pockets. Her back remains towards me, as I stare up at her through the cold breaths that leave my parted mouth.
"So I can't even take care of the person that is trying to taking care of me? That's kind of one sided, don't you think?"
"Miles, you can't take care of me. You're just now learning how to take care of yourself. How are you going to take care of me?" Rosie laughs bitterly at the end of her statement causing my eyes to go wide.
What?
    Oh. Right, I forgot...
A few minutes of silence pass by before, Rosie turns around sighing but I am already on my way to my car. My movements become like a ghost of myself as I seem to watch myself tell Rosie that its fine and I understood.
I understood?
"That was wrong of me to say, Miles. I let my emotions runaway from me there. I was caught up in my head. I was out of line," Rosie says as we ride down the road.
I grip the steering wheel as I struggle to understand. "It was a little silly of me to say that to you, too. It wasn't my business to want you to be selfish. I hadn't meant to upset you, Rosie. I was also out of line."
"No, you had-
"Let's drop it, Rosie. Can we put it past us, now? It's silly to apologize for something like this," I say smiling slightly before cracking my window to let in some air. My chest felt restricted and there was still a 15 minute drive to her house.
"You don't mind what I said, Miles? It doesn't seem like it should be put past us, so I won't. I will leave it for tonight though since it was my fault after all. I really am sorry, Miles."
"Do you mind the window being open? I know you don't like the cold but I need a bit of the night air," I ask watching the road closely.
Silence follows for a few seconds, until Rosie's low voice out saying, "No, I don't mind. Thank you."
I hum out a response as I continue to watch the road. That night ended with Rosie in her bed and me outside staring at the moon. I was looking for an answer that I couldn't find. I was searching the roads on the way back from her house. I stopped by a 24/7 gym before heading home to try to get the feeling out of my chest but it wouldn't budge. The night sky, the gym, the job sights, even tried to get Lemon to talk to me but I just couldn't understand.