The Pearl Of Great Price

Chapter 26: Surprise

The week of Christmas arrived at Hapus House. And the house has lived up to its name. It is a very happy house. All of the spectacular decorations, and displays, add to the festive atmosphere. Along with the lively atmosphere are the twins. They have brought joy to all, especially the servants who adore the babes. Lady Enid has said on more than one occasion, "It has been so long since this old place has truly been happy. The babies have brought much-needed joy indeed."

The season saw the whole house evoke a spirit of kindness and giving. Everyone inside it feels the same way. The fruit baskets had been delivered to all the needy families of Wales. The "Christmas Footmen," as Mary called them, handed out every basket all over the territory. It took a whole week and a half, but they did it. The footmen said it was worth seeing the tears and the smiles on people's faces. Naturally, the "Christmas Footmen" got a special bonus for their hard work.

The Christmas season is Mary's favorite time of year. "It's the spirit of giving without a thought of getting in return. It's the happiness we see in others knowing that you can do something for them to lift their spirits." She loves that. And she has not forsaken the practice of selling soaps all year long in the market. That still happened while pregnant and birthing two babies. Dot delivered the soap money to the foundling house in Cardiff, and the nuns cried. It's truly the most wonderful time of the year!

It is until it isn't, at nighttime. In the night, when the happy house is fast asleep, Her Ladyship tiptoes out of bed, lost in unlighted thought. She wanders into the upstairs music room, shuts the door, sits on the floor, and cries. She made a decision to handle this on her own. In truth, Mary hasn't taken Mrs. Nevitt's advice, thinking the melancholia would go away on its own. But the thing is, it hasn't gone away. It still lingers and lurks around like some shadow waiting to overtake her.

It's SO frustrating! Especially when Charles wants to resume their nighttime activities, and she doesn't, not yet. So here she is, sitting on the floor again, crying... alone.

An oil lamp turned on, brightening the space. Mary is not as alone as she thought. Her head poked up from between her knees and the crown of hair that cocooned her face. Her shoulders still shaking. The outline of her husband's face shone through. He lit another oil lamp and sat beside her on the floor. Not saying anything, he just sat and waited for her to talk.

With a strangled voice, she asked, "How did you find me?"

Charles explained, "I followed you. Three nights ago, I heard you get up. I knew you had been doing so with the twins, so I thought I'd help. Except you didn't go to the twins. You came here. The door wasn't closed all the way, so I peeked inside. I saw you sit on the floor and cry. A lot. It broke my heart. I hoped you would tell me what was wrong, but you didn't. Then each night, at about the same time, you would get up and come here and cry. Finally, I decided to wait for you."

Mary pressed her head to her knees and wept more. What a pathetic creature she is. Charles rubbed her back and spoke. "I can't help you if you don't tell me. Is this about intimacy? I want to understand Mary. Please don't shut me out." He doesn't know what to do and just wants to understand.

"I'm a bad mother and wife," she sobbed. He kept whispering the word no over and over again. But Mary disagrees. "Yes, I am. What kind of mother cries at her own children when they won't stop crying? And what kind of wife refuses to be intimate with her handsome husband? Me! That's who!" Then, unable to stand it any longer, she made a decision. The decision to tell him everything she's been feeling, like Mrs. Nevitt and Lady Flora, encouraged her to do in the first place.

She told him about her body problems. "I just really dislike me. I look gross. When I see me, it's like I'm some stranger." She told him about not wanting to be intimate because of it. "If I got pregnant, I would just die right now." She told him about all the things Mrs. Nevitt told her. "Plus, she told me the names of herbs to take to miscarry, and I told her no thank you. A baby is a gift; I just couldn't do that to you. It would damage our relationship. But she told me there might be things you could do. I don't know what they are." Her hands went over her eyes.