It Was Always You / Style Southpark

Coward - Stan

It's been 2 weeks since Butters and Kenny started dating. A lot of kids were shocked (including me). I had no clue in the slightest that Kenny was bi. After I found out I asked him if he was gay or bi. He told me that he's known that he's bi for a while. Cartman cracked a few dumbass jokes and made a few snide comments but wasn't as awful as I'd imagined.

Anyway though I've been sort of avoiding Kyle. Which is kinda fucked up. Avoiding your super best friend is rough. I've been "busy" when he wanted to hang out and "forced" to sit by Cartman on the bus.

I feel awful about it. I can only imagine that he thinks I hate him. Every time I think about him I both smile and want to scream. More than anything I want to not like him. But I do and the thought of him makes my heart flutter.

I just don't wanna be around him because I think he likes me too. This sounds like a stupid reason to avoid someone but what if we date and then break up and everything is awkward as hell?

Dating your friends is an awful idea because it's likely to ruin your friendship and make things weird for the rest of your friends depending on the situation.

I wanna curl up in a ball and die. I thought maybe I'd crush on some other girl or guy if I ignored him. That was a stupid thought though. I've had a subconscious crush on him for like... forever... why would it stop now?

Also, how do you just stop ignoring someone? Like "Hey sorry I've been avoiding you for 2 weeks! Wanna go to the arcade tomorrow?"

why am I so stupid?

OH SHIT. I think when I look at the clock. I was supposed to be at the bus stop 30 seconds ago. I practically sprint down the stairs to my shoes and bag. I sloppily pull my hat over my head as I sprint out my door and down the street. 

I make it to the stop as the bus is pulling up and I walk onto the bus panting. Unfortunately, Cartman is already sitting next to an angry Heidi. I awkwardly walk back to my old spot, right next to Kyle. He scoots in to make room and I sit down next to him hesitantly.

"You almost missed the bus today," he comments once the bus starts back up. I nod, he's not wrong I did almost miss the bus. "Yeah I kinda just... spaced out..." I mumble awkwardly.

We ride silently to school. When we get there it isn't any less awkward.

We end up on the wall again, well minus Cartman who's trying to talk to Heidi I'd imagine. I decide to sit on the end, mostly cause I don't have anything to say, I'm very in my head right now. The chatter of Kenny, Butters, and Kyle makes some nice background noise.

After a while the bell rings and I stand up shakily and start to walk to class. I sit in my assigned seat. I hate math so much. Why does math even exist? I look up at the ceiling. I wonder who the lights would fall on if they fell off the roof. I begin to decide who'd get hit when a paper ball lands on my desk right in front of me.

Curiously I grab it and I un-wad the paper ball. It's from Kyle, written on some old assignment it says

Why are you ignoring me?

I feel a tight and uncomfortable ball form in my stomach when I read it. I can't ignore this he just watched me read it, and he knows I don't give a damn about algebra unless I'm failing, I hate being grounded. I pick my pencil up off my desk and ponder what to say. I scribble down:

It's difficult to explain.

I write back. I crumple it and toss it to his feet.

( Stan, Kyle)

Try

I can't

Why not? We're super best friends

Can we talk after school instead of right now?

Fine, meet out front after school

Ok, sorry dude.

He doesn't reply to that. I slump into my seat and hide my face in my arms. I'm a dumbass.

After what feels like forever later class ends. The day goes about usual and I'm beyond relieved when the bell rings for lunch. Lucky me, right before lunch I have class with Butters and Kenny.  They hold hands as we walk down to the lunch room.

"I saw Craig and Tweeks hamster once, is cute," Kenny says. I'm assuming that's on topic to whatever they were talking about but I wasn't paying attention. "I had a Guinea pig once but it got out of its cage and got caught in a mouse trap," Butters tells us (really he's mostly just talking to Kenny. don't you love third-wheeling?).

We sit at our normal table at lunch. I sit next to Kyle as usual but it doesn't feel usual at all. I feel like an absolute wreck. I have to tell him. I know I do but I'm dreading it. Dreading it so much that I feel sick.

"Did you hear that a freshman girl slept with the math teacher for a better grade? What a whore," Cartman states. Kyle glares at him "Like you wouldn't do the same thing if you weren't fat and ugly." I nod in agreement with Kyle's statement.

"How do you even know that what you heard is true?" I question. He rolls his eyes at me and Kyle. "For your information lovebirds, I know because Tolkien's friend's younger sister who's friends with a friend of the girl who slept with the teacher told me so!" We look at him for a second, curious if he is joking or serious. "Ok, whatever dumbass," Kyle eventually mumbles and goes back to eating.

I swear I blink and lunch is over. I blink again and somehow it's the end of the day (aka me the writer is pushing the plot along).

I linger in the halls longer than I should. I know I'm meeting Ky out front so I should go there but I'm sick to my stomach thinking about it. I can't do this. I just can't. I lean against a wall and sink to the floor. I'm such a coward. I bury my head in my knees and squeeze my eyes shut.

I sit there for a bit, maybe five minutes later I take a deep breath. I pick my head up and stare at the wall opposite of me. I still can't. No matter what I do it's likely it'll fuck with me and Kyle's friendship. Not that avoiding him is helping it I guess. Maybe I'm overthinking this but the knot in my throat and the tingling in the tip of my nose tells me that I can't talk right now. I start to stand, with tears forming in the corners of my eyes when I hear a familiar voice. A voice I could recognize out of a trillion people says "Stan?"