It Was Always You / Style Southpark

Thinking About Him - Kyle

He pulls away after a moment and is clearly blushing a bright red now. "Fuck... I don't know why I did that... sorry," he mumbles while swinging his leg over me so he's just sitting next to me. I sit up cause laying in the snow is cold and awkward. 

I don't know what I should say to tell him that it's ok other than to confess. I think I I knew I'd do it at some point; should I just suck it up and do it now? What if it goes bad? Well I better say something! I can feel the tension build in the chilly air between us. Here it goes.

"I have to tell you something." "Can I tell you something?" we blurt in unison. This causes us to both laugh a little despite the tension that's looming above our heads. "Your first?" Stan suggests. I nod, take a big shaky breath and begin.

"I uh... I didn't not like it. The kiss."  I continue without looking to see his reaction, "I didn't not like it any of the times dude. Uhm... also I think the fact that we've kissed multiple times says something... doesn't matter though what I wanted to say is..." I take a deep breath, "I like you."  it feels good to finally spit it out, like a weight was lifted off my chest.

Finally I look up to see what he thinks of what I just said. He's crying? "Whats wrong dude?" I ask.

"I know..." he mumbles and I patiently wait for him to continue. "I know that you like me and I like you too! It's just like..." he explains while wipping a few tears away. "I'm scared if we date or whatever it'll ruin our friendship. Sorry if it's cheesy but I can't imagine not being friends with you and what if us liking each other goes terribly wrong!"

I smile, I can't help it because even when he was just crying he still looks adorable. "Stan, call me crazy but what if it doesn't go terribly wrong? I think we should try, even if it could be a mistake. We'll never know unless we try," I smile. He looks at his feet, not saying anything. "I mean you said it... were only this young once."

I wait for him to say something but after a minute goes by where still sitting in silence. "Say something dude... please?" I mumble. I feel stupid sitting here in silence after pleading my case as to why we should give us a try. Really fucking stupid.

"What should I say?" he asks me but doesn't look up. "Your reply? Like what do you think?" I suggest. "What if I don't know what I think?" he sighs.

Fair enough, emotions are confusing as hell. I can think for hours and not understand what I'm feeling or why I'm feeling it.

"Then... think about it, tell me later?" I smile. "Sure. Thanks for being so chill," he tells me. I nod to say no problem.

Well what do I do now. Ugh this is really awkward. Sledding? "Wanna sled some more?" I ask but I'm already standing up and grabbing my lid as I ask it.

...

I wake up to sun shining through my window. Ugh... fucking sun. Why is it so bright? I sit up, still dazed and tired. I grab my phone from my night stand and open it. I see message from Stan and don't hesitate in opening the message.

Stan - Hey dude :)

Kyle - Hey!

Stan - wanna talk about last night??

Kyle - yea, ig

Stan - yea
Stan - I'm busy today but hang out tmr and talk about it?
Stan - At Starks Pond

Kyle - yea that's fine, cya then :)

Stan - yup :)

Tommorw seems like forever away. Especially when your anxiously waiting to see if your crush likes you back. I think I'm gonna explode before tommorow comes.

"KYLE!" My mom calls from downstairs. "YEAH?" ... damn it. I hop off my bed and trudge down the stairs "Good morning Bubbie!" She sings as I reach the bottom of the stairs. "Morning mom. What's up?" I say with a tired smile. "Well a few things. Can you please take the trash out and also do the dishes while me and your father are out?" she asks buts its more of a command. I give her a questioning look. "Sharon, Randy, your father and I are going out for breakfast. Remember? I told you a few days ago," she explains.

I think for a moment. Did she tell me? ... oh yeah... I remember that now. I smile and nod to tell her I remember and she smiles back at me. "After that your father and I are gonna get some groceries before we come home. That's all bubbie, love you," She tells me. Just then, my dad comes downstairs "love you too mom, have fun."

...

Chores done, Ike fed and I even picked up my room. I sit down on the couch and flip on the TV. I wonder what Stan's doing today. He said he's busy but with what? I need to stop thinking about him or its gonna make me crazy. Why can't I just stop thinking about him?!

After a moment of trying to focus on some random TV channel I accept that I'm not gonna stop thinking about Stan. So I let myself think about him. Having a crush feels like your standing on the ends of a cliff; it's terrifying and exhilarating at the same time.

Might as well enjoy having a crush now 'cause tomorrow I'll probably be rejected.

My thoughts flash back to kissing him last night and I feel myself blush intensely. He is seriously a good kisser. I felt like I was floating when be was kissing me. When the kiss ended I was kinda hoping he'd kiss me again (clearly didn't happen). Also he has a perfect smile. So perfect that it shines brighter than the sun itself. Also the way he isn't afraid. He lives so freely that it's inspiring. Just him. How he is.

OhMyGodHeIsJustToFuckingAmazing. 

If someone could read my thoughts they'd think I'm such a fucking dork.

Suddeny my phone buzzes next to me and I jump a little. The noise is successful in pulling me out of my head. I grab it and its Stan? I didn't think I'd hear from him until tomorrow. What's up with him?

Stan - can you come over?
Stan - now? please?
Stan - it's serious