Pained

Color from an author

As I begin to write this, I contemplate many things. I think of the structure I want to put into my book. I think of what will make it enjoyable for me to right as others are able to read it and relate to it. All of my writings in the series of Drained have been about my personal pain. I've told the world about it through my journey of falling, sinking and swimming.

Though it seems as if I'm alone, this series has truly been about getting through my relationship with the girl I love.

She has shown me that it's okay to be vulnerable, and that it's okay to let somebody care for you. She's let me know since the day I met her that she loves me as much as I love her. I haven't shared our story to all of my friends and definitely not my family, but that's okay with me. I hope she's okay with that, and I hope to be able to open up to others one day. However, right now, I enjoy writing about her. Us. She's inspirational to me.

She's power before me, and at her feet, I'd willingly kneel.

She's like fire in a storm, never backing down with her determination. She's a warrior. She's been through so much betrayal and usage, yet here she stands, refusing to go down without a fight. In the dark, she's my light.

Recently, I spoke to her about something very important to me. Something involved with the endless amounts of atomic molecules and chemicals in our world. Something that pleases the eye, giving to the ugly, a disguise. Color.

It comes in many shades and tones. It has become a way to identify objects, places and organisms. It's everywhere, surrounding us in all forms.

It's made me believe that the way a person sees color depends on the way they see the rest of the globe's interior and exterior.

In my world, I'd been used, and the sad thing about being betrayed is that it always comes from those you happen to be closest to. It brings you to see others as bitter. It can even make you forget that other people are safe. It may make you think that nothing and nobody is safe.

I began to become dark. Everything I saw around me was black. If not, I'd imagine what it looked like in black. I would picture black grass, black trees, black leaves, black houses, black couches, black hair, black eyes, black skin, black walls.

I felt like I'd lost it all. I wasn't even at rock bottom anymore. It had gone far worse. The ground disappeared from beneath.

I was falling into nothingness, and I was going into nobody.

I could only see my fears and feel my death coming for me. After my mom chose to leave the world, I truly believed in taking after her. I was so young, I grew up with a habit of beating myself up. My father being the strict man he is only made me question how much longer I wanted to live even more.

The self harming was no one's fault other than my own, for I always knew it was my choice.

The pain, however, was something I could never explain.

I was on the edge when I met her. I learned that she was pretty close too, so I hid everything bad. I don't even remember when I told her about the things that had happened before we introduced ourselves to be honest.

I fucking fell for this girl. I fell so deep. It was like I had entered a brand new life as a brand new person with the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen standing right in front of me. All I wanted to do was be there for her and make her smile because her brightness reflected off to me. I didn't even know her for as long as a week before I asked her to be mine. I couldn't help it.

Knowing her has probably been the best experience in my life. I remember when she first talked to me. I looked around the room.

It was the first time since I was 9 that I didn't search for the darkness. I noticed the gray paint on the wall and how it was a lighter shade than normal. I looked at my white quilt and admired the bright turquoise, reminding me of the sea in that moment. I looked at the copper colored doorknob, noticing how even in its not so pretty color, it shined and reflected light, also allowing anybody who chose to, to open the door it was attached to.

My love brought color into my world that I had never seen before.

I hope that one day, I can do the same for
her.

I love you babygirl...

-A