Fighting for love

Chapter 56

Sitting on the balcony, staring at the sunrise over the hills, Clytia was so lost in her thoughts that she was missing the marvellous rosy painting that was the sky at the moment. Her eyes were puffy and red from crying too much and from the lack of sleep. She couldn't remember when was the last time she had a proper night of sleep, but she didn't care.

She had spent the last few weeks going over what happened in her life. The first days after Nolam had left her apartment, Clytia barely left her bed.

She missed her husband so much. His eyes, his laugh, his touch, his presence, everything.

She wanted to make things work. She tried to call him, leaving him message and emails. She really hoped that he would find the strength to forgive her and give her another chance.
But he never answered. It was only after five weeks that she gave up and realized that she had lost her man for good. Nothing she could have said or done, would have brought him back.

She was heartbroken. She had never felt so bad in her entire life. Nolam was gone and he had taken a piece of her heart with him. She felt worthless. She went from sleeping too much to insomnia. Her nights were filled with guilt and self-loath, while her days were spent crying over and over again.

At the moment, she felt so tired. She just wanted to fall asleep and never wake up.

Sleep and never wake up.

Sleep and never wake up.

Her eyes drifted to the bottle of sleeping pills on her bed. She went from one pill to two pills over the last days. However, she couldn't stay asleep for more than two hours. It was driving her crazy.

Slowly, she got up and dragged her feets towards her bed. She felt like the bottle was calling her. Maybe she just needed to take three or four pills. Five It could do the trick.

Sleep and never wake up.

She took the bottle and looked inside. Six pills. She smiled. Yeah! It will definitely do the trick.

Suddenly, her phone started to ring beside her. She looked at the screen: Janice. Her mother in law was the last person she wanted to talk to at the moment. The woman had call her few days ago to invite her over for thanksgiving. Even though Clytia would have love to go and have a chance to at least see Nolam, she couldn't go. It was just to much for her.

Clytia kept looking at the screen till the phone stopped ringing. Her eyes went back to the pills in her hand. But the phone started ringing one more time, disturbing her peace. Janice wouldn't stop calling her. She knew it. She just had to talk to her and be done with it. Then, she would be able to sleep for good.

"Hi Janice. How are you?" She said, trying to sound cheerful.

"Hey Beauty! I am good. Thanks. You?"

"I am fine Janice."

"Great. Do you mind coming over today? I need to talk to you."

"I don't think..."

"Nolam is not here today. Please... You are family to me, a daughter. I really need to talk to you." Janice said interrupting her.

"..."

"Cly? Are you here?"

"Yeah. Huh... Okay. Let me shower and I'll be there."

*********

"I'm glad you came Cly. It's really good to see you. I was worried about you." Janice said smiling to her.

They were in her living room, two cups of coffee in front of them. Clytia took hers to hide her shaking hands. She was wearing makeup to make sure she looked a little alive. But her fingers wouldn't stop trembling. Maybe she should have stay in bed and avoid Janice.

Being in this house was a pure torture. She could almost feel the presence of Nolam everywhere. She took a deep breath and look at the older woman who seemed genuinely worried.

"Sorry to say that but you look like shit. You've lost so much weight and you're so pale. Sweety you have to take care of yourself. When was the last time you ate something?"

Clytia had a bitter laugh. "Yesterday?" It sounded more like a question.

"Don't play with me Cly. When was the last time you ate?"

"Two days ago, ... I... I don't know Janice."

"Oh my gosh! What are you thinking? Wait here, I'll bring you something right away."

"Janice, no. You don't have to..."

But it was to late. She was already in the kitchen. She came back few minutes later with a soup and forced Clytia to eat at least half of it. When she was done with the food, Janice dragged her in her bedroom to make sure they wouldn't be interrupted.

"This is a safe space Cly. No matter what is happening between you and Nolam, I want you to know that I love you like my own daughter. You can talk to me. Please. What is happening? Talk to me. I hate seeing you so ... so lost." She said gently as she took the hand of Clytia.

Clytia felt something cracked and the tears rolling down her cheeks."I.. I'm tired Janice. I just want to sleep. I am so tired."

"Oh sweety!" Janice took her in her arms and cradled her. "You have to let it go."

"I don't know how. I screwed up. It is all my fault. I know it. I took him for granted. And now I lost him. I am so stupid."

"Listen to me Cly. I cheated on my husband."

Clytia got out of her embrace and looked at her, her eyebrows furrowed.

"It happened years ago, before the kids. There was this guy, funny, caring, great abs. At first I was flattered. You know it was like he was perfect and he arrived at a moment my husband and I kept arguing about everything. Long story short, I was young and dumb. We had an affair for four months before Gordon caught us. The drama! You have no idea. Any other person would have broke up with me. But Gordon didn't."

"How... ?"

"How we got back together? Therapy. Somehow, Gordon has been able to find the strength to forgive me. But the most important thing is that I have been able to find the strength to forgive myself. Clytia, none of my kids know this story. I am telling you this because You need to let go of all that guilt you're carrying on your shoulders. It is slowly but surely killing you."

"I don't know how."

"Find a way. Go talk to a psy if you have to."

Clytia took a deep breath and ask: "With everything you went through, do you think love is enough?"

"No." She said without any hesitation.

"Love is not enough. You must work on your relationship. There is no such thing as a perfect marriage. We fight, we curse at each other. Conflict is normal. But you need to have the maturity to understand that and accept it. You need to find what works best for you, for your couple. Dinner, date, counselling. Whatever it is. Your generation is so used to having it easy with technology and everything, that you guys are lazy."

Clytia looked at Janice with round eyes. "Do you think there is still a chance for Nolam and I?"

Janice seemed uncomfortable. She got up and walked to her bedside table. She took out of the drawer an envelope and went back to Clytia, a rictus on her face.

"I don't know. Nolam has not been his usual self lately. I don't really know what is happening in his head. But, you need to make yourself a priority. Don't let whatever happened defines who you are."

Janice handed her the envelope. Clytia looked at the envelope in the hands of her mother-in-law. Her curiosity perked up, an uneasiness lurking in the corner.

"What is it?"

"I want you to take it home. But do not open it, unless you feel like you're ready."

"What is it Janice? You're scaring me."

"Divorce papers."