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Chapter 2: An Unexpected Headline

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The Daily Ramen, September 25

OUR DUMB WORLD - Tiresome things that are going on in other places that you couldn't care less about. Weekly column by Nara Shikamaru

Italy has finally found a way to engage voters in politics: elect porn stars into office. In a recent landslide election, the adult film star celebrated her victory by baring her breasts to her supporters. There was some concern whether this constituted bribing of the electorate in a literal "tit" for tat exchange, but no formal complaint has been lodged. Rumor has it that the rest of parliament, regardless of party, is looking forward to working quite closely with their new colleague.

IN OTHER NEWS - If you think you didn't care about Nara's stuff, you REALLY won't care about this. Weekly column by Uzumaki Naruto

There has been tremendous interest in the arrival into Kohona of Uchiha Financial Holdings, an operation run by the sons of its founder, Uchiha Fugaku. We were unable to obtain an interview with either of these two highly-sought-after brothers to ask about their initial impression of our city, but we have heard from one source that while the Uchihas are happy overall with their new home in Konoha, Uchiha Itachi thinks the new Konoha government policy for randomly searching passengers on the high speed rail is "a little bit gay."

While many Konoha residents are pleased at the arrival of the Uchiha brothers on the elite social scene, an inside source says there is at least one malcontent. The Uchiha brothers' house cat is reportedly disgruntled because of the presence of so many other pussies in his residence most evenings, as socialites scramble to secure their financial futures by trying to gain marital alliance with the Uchiha empire. We have been unable to reach either brother for comment on this issue. They are most likely 'getting busy'.

I SAW WHAT YOU DID THERE - Seriously, people. If you don't know what you're doing sexually, can you please just keep it in your own bedrooms? Weekly column by Hyuuga Hinata

I like to watch. But that doesn't mean that you get to watch back. To the couple that lives down the hall from me, here is a message. If you are trying to invite me to join in by creepily staring at me while you make out with each other in my hallway, you are going about it the wrong way. Threesomes sometimes can start spontaneously, but not generally in the middle of a public space. Unless it is Mardi Gras, but that is an entirely different story. If you are just so bored with each other that you are constantly scanning your surroundings for a new partner, then please stop these lame PDA moments until you find someone who can actually capture your attention properly. No one gets off on boring or half-hearted PDA. You're wasting everyone's time. Just stop.

DUMBASS OF THE DAY - Because some people are just so dumb, they really do deserve an award for it. Weekly award by Inuzuka Kiba

So I get that concert ticket prices have been going up. I really do. But how dumb do you have to be to try to climb over a razor wire fence while drunk off your ass and high? I guess that question sort of answers itself, but an unfortunate group of college students found themselves on the wrong end of this stick - literally - when they put it to the test. I don't know about you, but I'd rather pay the ninety bucks for the price of the ticket than have a stick surgically removed from my ass after falling on an upturned dead branch.

BAD SHIT'S GOING TO HAPPEN TO YOU - But at least now you know. Weekly horoscope by Aburame Shino

I am sorry to say that a plague of locusts will be descending on all year of the rat, ox and snake within the next 24 hours. Run. Run like the wind. Try not to trip on all the year of the rabbit bastards screwing in the streets. There is a small chance that year of the monkeys are getting laid as well. Make the most of it. The rest of you are safe for the week.